


Those You've Left Behind

by Little_oblivion



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Abduction, Abuse, Angst, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Heath Family - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kidnapping, Manipulative Relationship, Non-Graphic Smut, Press Family, Slow Burn, Statutory Rape, Then and Now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 49,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_oblivion/pseuds/Little_oblivion
Summary: Life can change in a moment. One afternoon, Tobin and Christen were your typical eighth graders, best friends who were trying to navigate growing up while dealing with pressures of attending their Los Angeles private school. The next day, Tobin was gone without a trace. Four years later, she's found in Arizona, but she comes back a different girl than she left. How will they all adapt to the changes that have happened in her absence? And is she truly back for good?
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press, Tobin Heath/Original Character(s)
Comments: 225
Kudos: 367





	1. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin asks Christen for a favor and Christen agrees, not knowing that she'll regret it for the rest of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> Now that The Halloween Chronicles are done, I'm excited to post my new Preath chapter fic. It's going to be my typical slow burn angst, and I hope you all enjoy! :)

It seems like everyone is always bracing for the moment their life will change. They talk about going to college, about landing their dream job, about meeting ‘The One’. They think that when it happens, they’ll know.

But often, that’s just not the case. A man is walking down the road, headed back to the office for another boring day when suddenly a car appears out of nowhere, hitting him and leaving him paralyzed. A woman walks into a coffee shop for the eighteenth Monday in a row and unknowingly gets in line behind her future husband and love of her life.

Life happens. It happens fast. And most of the time, it’s irreversible.

“Hey!” Fourteen year old Christen Press dropped into her seat and turned around to look at her best friend. “Did you already finish the worksheet?”

Tobin gave her a wide smile. Her braces had just come off a few weeks ago and every smile seemed eager to show off her newly straight teeth. “Nah.”

Christen have her a look. “Toby...”

“I know, I know. I’ll do it this weekend. But look!” She turned her sketchbook around. “I started sketching the fountain in the courtyard.”

Christen smiled, tracing her fingers over the patches of flowers on the page. “It’s beautiful, Tobin.”

“Thanks.” The bell rang and they gathered up their books, sliding them into their bags.

As they walked to their lockers, Tobin put her hand on Christen’s arm. “Hey I have a favor to ask.”

“Anything!” Christen pulled her math book from her locker.

“Samuel invited me over to his apartment tonight.” Tobin’s voice was filled with barely restrained excitement.

Christen kept her head facing her locker, pretending to search for the library book she knew was already in her bag. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! He um... he actually asked if I wanted to stay the night.”

Christen turned to look at her, her eyebrows raised. “And you told him no, right?”

“Um...”

Christen laughed, slamming her locker shut and swinging her backpack onto her shoulders. She yanked her French braids out from between the straps and her blazer. “Tobin how exactly are you going to convince your very strict parents to let you stay overnight with your boyfriend, your boyfriend who has already graduated from high school, the boyfriend you’re not even allowed to have?” They began walking towards the front doors, their shoes scuffing against the polished stone floors.

“They’ll be fine! I’ll just... tell them I’m at your house.”

“What?”

“Please?!” Tobin gave Christen her best puppy dog eyes. “I never get to hang out with Samuel, not like this. Can you cover for me?”

Christen groaned. She, like Tobin, was a good girl. Good grades, polite, didn’t exactly make a habit of lying to her parents or any other adults for that matter. “Toby...”

“Cmon, just this once! No one will even know, I’ll have him drop me off at the bus stop in the morning and I’ll walk back to my house! Everything will be fine, I promise.”

Christen sighed. “Pinky promise?”

Tobin held out her pinky and Christen wrapped her own around it. They both leaned forward and kissed their thumbs, sealing the promise.

“Fine. Where is he going to pick you up?”

Tobin gave her another wide grin. “By the soccer fields in just a few minutes. We can drive you to your house if you want?”

“Sure.”

They trudged around the side of the building, bypassing where they normally lined up to catch the bus to their neighborhood. “So what will you like... do?”

Tobin shrugged. “I don’t know! Maybe go to dinner? That’s a normal date thing, right?”

“I guess.” She glanced over at her. “Are you guys, like, having sex?”

Tobin wrinkles her nose, laughing. “What? No! We’ve only been dating for a couple of months.”

“Yeah, but... he’s so old.”

“He’s not that old,” Tobin argued, rolling her eyes. Christen gave her a look. “He’s not!”

“He’s eight years older than us!”

Tobin kicked at a rock on the sidewalk. “I mean, my dad is eight years older than my mom.”

“Yeah, but...” Christen shook her head. “So you don’t think you guys will?”

“Nope. Not until we’re married, or at least engaged.”

Right as they arrived at the gate, a black car pulled up. The passenger side window rolled down to reveal Samuel’s smiling face.

“Well aren’t I the lucky guy? Not one but two beautiful ladies.” Tobin giggled and Christen forced a smile. It wasn’t that he wasn’t attractive, he really was. Tall, brown hair, bright blue eyes, he was the whole package. But Christen just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right with him. She knew that Tobin was great, she was her best friend after all. But what did a 21 year old want with her?

“Can we give Christen a ride?”

“Sure! Hop in.”

None of them really said anything as he drove, Christen watching as he took Tobin’s hand in his own. She felt a weird heaviness in her stomach that she couldn’t quite shake or explain. She was glad when Samuel pulled up in front of her house. She climbed out of the backseat and leaned through Tobin’s window.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Don’t mention it,” Samuel smiled.

“Thank you for covering for me,” Tobin said.

Christen gave her a look. “Make sure you keep your phone on, okay? That way I can call if your mom shows up or something.”

“I will. Wanna go rollerblading at the plaza tomorrow afternoon?”

“Sure! Just text me.”

Tobin smiled and waved. “Will do. See you tomorrow!”

“Bye!”

Samuel drove away, and Christen couldn’t help but stare after them. When she turned to go in the house, she found Channing sitting on the front step, waiting to be let in. “Who was that? Why weren’t you on the bus?”

Christen rolled her eyes. “No one.” She pulled the house key out of her pocket, letting them inside.

“Who drove you home?” Channing repeated.

Christen knew she wouldn’t drop it. “Ashlyn’s older brother, Chris.”

Channing followed her upstairs. “Why did he bring you home?”

Christen turned around in the doorway to her room. “He was just being nice. Any more questions?” Channing shook her head. “Great. Bye.” She shut her door and dropped her backpack to the ground. She flopped back on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. If she was being honest with herself, her feelings were kind of hurt that Tobin wasn’t actually hanging out with her. They were best friends, they spent almost every weekend together. She told herself she was being silly. They would hang out tomorrow. This must just be part of growing up, having to share your friends with their boyfriends. She just needed to get over it. Everything would be fine.

X

Stacy Press had just finished loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher when the phone rang. She picked it up, cradling it between her ear and her shoulder. “Hello?”

“Hi Stace! It’s Cindy Heath.”

She dried her hands on a dish towel. “Hi Cindy, how are you?”

“I’m good, thank you. Oh, before I forget, are you coming to the PTA meeting next week?”

Stacy consulted the big wall calendar by the pantry. “Let’s see... oh shoot, no because Tyler has a dentist appointment.”

Cindy laughed. “Well then I’m glad I called. Do you want to be the parent sponsor for the junior high spring formal?”

“Me?”

“You’re so good at that kind of thing! I remember Christen’s tenth birthday party, your decorations were so cute.”

“Well... sure! Go ahead and put me down. What day is it?”

“March 4th.”

Stacy jotted that down. “Alright! I guess if you could just have Kelley’s mom send me the notes from the meeting.”

“Of course! Thank you so much, really.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Oh, and if you could go ahead and send Tobin home, I guess her phone must have died,” Cindy laughed. “I don’t know what the point is of getting her a phone if she never bothers to plug it in.”

Stacy laughed too, but more hesitantly. “What do you mean, send Tobin home?”

“Oh, did she already leave?”

“Tobin hasn’t been here. Not since... well since last weekend I guess.”

Cindy was silent in the phone for a moment. “What... no. She spent the night over there last night.”

“No...”

“But, but she must have.” Cindy’s voice was confused and upset.

“Here why don’t you go ahead and call Tobin again, I’ll go talk to Christen. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure.”

“Let me know when you get ahold of her.” Stacy hung up and went upstairs to Christen’s room, pushing the door open without warning.

“Mom! What happened to knocking?” Her middle child demanded, sitting up on her bed.

“Was Tobin supposed to be spending the night here last night?”

She saw the guilt flash across Christen’s face. “Um...”

“Christen,” she said, the warning clear in her tone.

“She... um, yeah. She told her mom she was spending the night.”

Stacy crossed her arms. “And so where exactly is she, then?” It was out of character for both Christen and Tobin to pull a stupid stunt like this.

Christen mumbled something under her breath.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Christen swallowed nervously. “Um... she’s... she’s at her boyfriend’s.”

“Her what?”

Christen sighed. “Her boyfriend, Samuel.”

Stacy pressed her lips together. “Go wait downstairs in the living room. We’re about to have a talk, missy.”

X

Christen curled her fingers underneath her legs, not wanting to look at anyone. She had already sat through this with her parents, but now she was sitting on Tobin’s couch, opposite Cindy and Big Jeff. Her mom was sitting next to her, a hand on her back.

“Boyfriend?” Jeff spluttered. “She doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

Cindy glanced up at where Cody was standing behind Christen. “None of the kids are allowed to date until they’re sixteen.” She looked back at Christen. “She knows that.”

“I know. She knew you guys would be mad so, so she just... didn’t say anything.”

Big Jeff stood up. “Well who is this little punk? We’ll go to his house and pick her up, and then I’m having a word with this kid, AND his parents! I mean what parents let their thirteen year old’s girlfriend spend the night?!”

“He’s, um... he’s...” It wasn’t fair! Christen wasn’t the one who had lied to her parents! So why was she the one getting yelled at and having to face all of their disappointment?

“He’s what?” Cindy asked.

Christen looked to her mom and Stacy sighed, taking pity on her. “Apparently he’s not a thirteen year old. Apparently, he’s twenty one.”

Cindy went white. “Twenty one?!”

Christen nodded.

“How... what? How did she even meet a twenty one year old? And what would he want... Oh god.” Cindy began to cry in earnest, burying her face in her hands.

Big Jeff pointed at Christen. “No. You’re confused. Tobin wouldn’t... she knows better! This is, this is stupid!”

Cindy shook her head. “When she gets home, she is going to be grounded until she goes to college!” She raised her head to look at Christen. “Did she say what time she would be home?”

“She said he would bring her to the bus stop in the morning and then she would walk home like she was coming from my house. When they dropped me off, we made plans to go to the plaza today.”

“Wait, you got in a car with this man?” Cody asked, and Christen tried to shrink back into the couch cushions.

“I didn’t- he’s Tobin’s boyfriend, he was just driving me home!”

“What is this guy’s name?” Big Jeff demanded.

“Samuel,” Christen whispered.

“Samuel what?”

“I- I don’t know!”

“You don’t even know this man’s name, Christen?” She could feel the anger and disbelief rolling off of her dad in waves. “How could you be so stupid?”

“Cody,” her mom murmured. “This isn’t the time.”

“Well I’m calling the police,” Cindy announced, standing up from the couch.

Jeff gave her a look. “And what are you going to tell them?”

“That I don’t know where my thirteen year old daughter is!” Cindy snapped back.

“But what are they going to do?”

“I don’t know, Jeff! Maybe they can search in their stupid database for some sicko named Samuel that has a habit of preying on girls in junior high!”

“Let’s all calm down,” Stacy said. “And... I think Cindy is right. I think we should call the police. If nothing else, they can be here when Tobin gets home to talk to her.”

“Mom?” They all turned to see Tobin’s eleven year old brother, Jeffrey, on the stairs. “What’s wrong?” Cindy walked over to him, while Jeff pulled out his cell phone, stepping away to call.

Christen turned to her mom. “I’m sorry.”

Stacy smoothed her hair back. “Everyone’s just really worried right now,”

“I told her it wasn’t a good idea.”

Stacy pulled her into a tight hug, as if scared that Christen would vanish from sight next. “It’s alright, baby. Tobin will be home soon and then we’ll all be able to breathe easy, okay? She’ll be home soon.”

None of them could have possibly guessed that their lives had just changed forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love to hear your thoughts! Leave me a comment or come chat on tumblr, you can find me @thetheatrelady


	2. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nearly four years later, Christen comes home from soccer practice to shocking news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! As we all wait for more concrete news (I see you Georgia!!! I see you Pennsylvania!!!!) please enjoy the next chapter and first Found Friday.

Seventeen year old Christen Press climbed out of her car with a groan. Her soccer team had lost Saturday’s game, and Coach Ellis had apparently decided that the just punishment was to make them run until they wanted to die. It’s not even that Christen minded running, she didn’t. But the soreness was already settling into her muscles, making every movement an effort.

She grabbed her backpack and duffle bag out of the backseat and pulled out her phone. She had a text from Tyler, so she began typing out a reply as she walked into the house.

“Hi Dad!” She yelled out without looking up from her phone. She went directly into the laundry room and began unloading her gym clothes into the washer. Once that was done, she began to head up the stairs. She glanced up from her phone as she walked though the living room, and finally spotted her dad standing in the middle of the kitchen.

“I started a load of laundry, just a little one.”

He turned around and she saw his face for the first time. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows furrowed together. He lowered his cell phone to the counter and she noticed his hands were shaking.

Fear snaked through Christen’s chest. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“She’s home.” His voice had an odd, distant quality to it.

“What? Who? Tyler? Tyler came home from college?” She turned to dash up the stairs to her sister’s room.

“Tobin.”

She slowly turned around. “...What did you say?”

He swallowed, his eyes still seeming dazed. “Tobin... Jeff called this afternoon. She was found yesterday in, in Arizona. This morning she was discharged from the hospital and they brought her home. She’s home, she’s... she’s alive.”

Christen knew what he meant. Even though a body had never been found, as the days turned to months turned to years, everyone had slowly accepted that Tobin was almost certainly dead. For nearly four years, Christen had been carrying the guilt of being the last person to ever see Tobin alive. She’d suffered nightmares where all of the people around her screamed, asking why she didn’t stop Tobin, telling her what Christen already knew, which was that this was all her fault.

But now, she was home. Tobin was home.

Christen turned without another word, and took off running. She ripped the front door open not caring as it slammed into the wall. She heard her dad calling her name but she ignored him.

She could no longer feel her aching body. She couldn’t feel anything. Everything was numb.

Tobin was alive.

Tobin was home.

Tobin was alive.

Tobin was home.

Her feet slapped the pavement and she pumped her arms, willing herself to go faster, to be better, to get there in time. She wasn’t exactly dressed to be sprinting like this, having changed back into her jeans and flats after practice, but it didn’t matter.

Tobin was alive.

She came to an abrupt stop in front of the Heath house, staring up at it. It still looked exactly as it had the morning her parents had brought her over here.

She clambered onto the porch, tripping over her own feet. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She lifted her hand to knock but hesitated. What would be on the other side of this door? _Who_ would be on the other side of the door? Fear seized her body.

The door swung open to reveal Little Jeff. Of course, he wasn’t so little anymore. Gone was the unsure eleven year old whose sister had gone missing without a trace. Now he was fifteen and angry. Angry at what his life was. Angry at all the things taken from him.

He rolled his eyes. “Of course you’re here.”

“Is she- she’s really-“

Katie appeared behind his shoulder. “Christen.” She gave her a quick hug. “Come in.”

“She’s-“

“Tobin’s home. Yeah.” Katie smiled. “I know.”

She guided her into the living room, and Christen’s breath caught hard in her chest. She was sitting on the couch next to her mom, as if she had never left. Her hair was longer now, past her shoulders, and she was no longer wearing a school uniform, but it was Tobin. When Christen came in the room, she lifted her head slightly off of her mom’s shoulder, her mouth opening as if to say something.

Christen got there first. “Tobs!” She threw herself forward, practically landing on top of her, and threw her arms around her. She was so caught up in the euphoria of having her home that she didn’t even notice the way Tobin had gone as stiff as a board, not saying anything or moving to hug her back. Katie gently pried her off, pulling her away.

“I can’t believe that you’re finally home.”

Tobin seemed almost dazed, looking from her mom, to her dad, to her siblings, to the police officers that Christen was just now spotting on the opposite couch. She looked overwhelmed, unsure of what to do or say.

Big Jeff laid a hand on Christen’s shoulder. “Maybe you should come back tomorrow.”

“But…” No! She had been waiting just as long as they had to see Tobin, why should she not get to be here? Tobin might be their daughter but she was Christen’s best friend, and she needed to convince herself that this wasn’t all an elaborate dream.

There was a knock on the door behind her but Christen didn’t pay it any mind. “Tobin! I… I’m so sorry. I should have said something sooner, I shouldn’t have let you go with him. I should have realized he was a total creep.”

Tobin’s eyes narrowed and she slid out of her mom’s grasp, coming to her feet. “He’s not a creep! You don’t know him.”

Christen stared at her, her mouth hanging open in disbelief. “Tobin, he kidnapped you-”

“Just shut up! You don’t anything about it, so stop running your mouth!” She turned and dashed up the stairs, her mom quickly following. Two large hands on her shoulders turned her around and steered her from the house. She didn’t even realize it was her dad until he put her in the front seat of his car.

She finally found her tongue as they came back into their house. “Why?” she asked simply.

Cody sighed heavily. “Christen… baby you have to remember that Tobin has lived through something very hard. You, you remember what it was like after your mom died? How we were all feeling big emotions that didn’t always make sense? And sometimes they would come exploding out at the wrong time?” Christen nodded uncertainly. “It’s a lot like that. Except… longer. And probably more complicated.”

“But, but where has she been? I don’t understand. Why is she mad at me? Why isn’t she mad at him, he’s the one who took her away!”

He sat in his old leather recliner and pulled her to sit on his lap. “Ask me your questions one at a time baby. I’ll answer what I can.”

She swallowed, trying to organize her thoughts in some sort of sensical order. “Where was she?”

“Phoenix, Arizona. Or at least, that’s where she was found.”

“Found?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “Yes. She was picked up by the police. Shoplifting. Someone recognized her and called the LAPD.”

“Was she with Samuel this whole time?”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure, honey.”

She sighed. “Why is she mad at me?”

He kissed her temple and patted her knee. “I don’t think she is, Chris. I think… Well I think she’s just awfully confused right now. And it might take some time to straighten things out, but we’ll all just have to be patient, okay? That’s what she needs. Time and love.”

X

That night as Christen was trying to go to sleep, her door cracked open and Channing slipped inside. She padded over and slipped in next to Christen, wiggling into her until their heads were side by side on the pillow.

“What did she look like?”

Christen breathed out slowly. “I don’t know. Kind of like the Tobin I’ve kept in my head all of these years. I mean, she’s older, obviously. She’s slimmed down a bit. And also… I’ve always pictured her in our old soccer uniforms, the red ones. I guess part of me was surprised to see her in jeans and a sweatshirt.” She breathed out a tiny laugh. “Isn’t that stupid?”

“She must be happy to be home.”

“You would think so.”

“She must have missed her mom.”

Christen took her hand. “Yeah. She must have.”

“And you.”

Christen chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Maybe.”

“Is the old guy in jail?”

Christen squeezed her hand with a sad smile. “Not yet. I don’t think they know where he is.”

“Tobin wasn’t with him?”

Christen turned on her side. “I guess not.”

“So maybe she escaped! Maybe this whole time she’s been fighting to come back home where she belongs.”

“Maybe.”

Channing’s voice dropped to nearly a whisper. “I’m so glad she wasn’t dead.”

“Me too.” Christen sniffed hard. “Did you know… when Mom was in the hospital, I asked her to tell Tobin hello when she got to heaven. Hello, and that I was sorry.” The tears finally hit, and her little sister pulled her close.

“She came back,” Channing whispered. “She’s here. You don’t have to be sorry anymore.”

“I hope so,” she answered evasively. Because the truth was, she couldn’t help but think that she had just begun apologizing for all of the ways that she had failed her best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Tobin's back, but not without a few bumps in the road. What do you think? How are we feeling?


	3. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While waiting for Christen at the movies, Tobin meets a cute stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Found Friday!!!

Tobin sighed, glancing around the movie theatre lobby. Christen must be running late, she should have been there fifteen minutes ago. If she didn’t get there soon, they would miss the chance to make fun of and rate the previews, one of Tobin’s favorite parts.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled it out, hoping it was Chris. Instead it was just Tamera, the leader of her youth group. She felt the slight ache in her stomach intensify. Her entire life, church had been a place of comfort, of solace. Her family went every Sunday and every Wednesday, and while she definitely wasn’t a fan of the frilly, uncomfortable dresses her mom used to make her wear, she generally enjoyed Sunday school and the services. But since coming back from the New Year, the youth group had split up into boys and girls in order to focus on “special subjects.” Tamera had explained that since they would be going to high school next year, she wanted to give them the space to ask questions and feel adequately prepared.

The special subjects turned out to be almost exclusively sex.

There had been some discussion of alcohol as well, of the morality of going to parties even if you weren’t drinking. But it seemed like all of the girls in her group were obsessed with talking about sex, and specifically, sex with boys.

The whole thing made Tobin uncomfortable. She didn’t see why they had to continue bringing it up, time and time again. They all seemed to be on the same page, sex before marriage was bad, and if you didn’t feel comfortable telling your parents about it, then you shouldn’t do it. But it seemed to be the only thing on her friends’ minds.

It’s not that Tobin hadn’t thought about it.

She’d had crushes before. In second grade she’d held hands with Ty Brinkley on the bus. In fifth grade she’d even had her first nerve wracking kiss during a game of spin the bottle. Boys were… they were fine.

Boys weren’t the problem.

Girls were.

She’d noticed lately that when she was watching TV with her family that her eyes were riveted to the female actresses, silencing the sighs that she usually heard when her sisters were discussing one of the Hemsworths. She was worried that… that she might not feel the same way her sisters and classmates did.

She was worried she might be gay.

But she couldn’t be! That much had been made clear during youth group two weeks ago, when same sex attraction had come up. She’d sat, frozen on her cold metal folding chair, as the girls she considered to be her friends had been unable to conceal the disgust in their voices when talking about “those people.” She hadn’t missed the way that Tamera had danced around the subject, not wanting to outright condemn anyone, while also making it clear what the church’s position was. Had Tobin been imagining her looking at her more than normal?

She’d gone home that night and cried, terrified that she was wrong, that she was defective. She didn’t want to embarrass her family, she didn’t want God to hate her. She knew what was expected of her and she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to deliver. She’d ended up pulling out her bible and flipping around randomly, landing on the story of Hannah. She’d never felt more seen than reading about Hannah feeling broken, and begging God to make her whole. He’d heard her prayers and given her a baby. Tobin felt like the only thing she could do was keep praying, and hope that one day He answered.

“Someone sitting here?” She glanced up to find a tall man standing in front of her, smiling at her.

“Uh…” her brain seemed to short circuit for a moment, looking up at him then back down, awkwardly clutching her and Christen’s tickets in her hand.

“Are you here all alone?” he asked, concerned.

“Oh, no! Well, kind of. I’m meeting up with a friend. They’re just running late.”

He gave her a little grin. “Ah. Boyfriend?”

Her cheeks flushed. “No! Definitely no. My friend who’s a girl. But we, we’re not dating either! Just a friend. Obviously.”

“Oh alright. I was about to say, any boy who leaves a pretty girl like you waiting around on him isn’t worth your time.”

Her flush deepened. She didn’t know what to say, so she just smiled, keeping her lips firmly together to hide her braces.

“Is it alright if I keep you company while you wait for this friend who’s a girl who’s definitely just a friend? There are a lot of creepers out there.”

“Sure.” She shuffled over and he sat beside her.

“Popcorn?” He offered her his large tub and she shook her head.

“Thanks but… it’s not worth trying to get it out of my braces later.”

“Ah I remember the braces days. Get them recently?”

She shook her head. “Last year. I get them off in a few weeks.”

“You must be really excited.”

“I am,” she admitted. “They’re embarrassing.”

“Nah, don’t be embarrassed,” he said, nudging his shoulder against hers. “Almost everyone has braces at some point.”

“Did you?”

“Once upon a time,” he grinned, leaning into her a bit. “Why, can’t you tell from my pearly whites?”

“Yeah, you have… you have a nice smile.”

“Thank you. You know, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“Tobin.” She stuck out her hand and he took it, his fingers lingering against her skin.

“Tobin,” he repeated. “That’s an interesting name. Must have a great story behind it.”

“It’s… a family name. Usually given to boys, but my parents didn’t think they would have any, so… but then they had my brother, Little Jeff.”

He laughed. “Well at least they didn’t name you that.”

“Right,” she giggled along with him.

“Well even if it is normally meant for boys, I think it suits you. Tobin. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

There it was again. Pretty, beautiful… words she normally heard applied to her sisters, words she applied to some of her classmates. Never about her though.

Until now.

“Do you go to high school in the area?”

She shook her head, biting her lip. “No. I’m in eighth grade at Griffith Academy. It’s um, a private school? Over near Brentwood?”

“Wait, eighth grade?” She nodded and he gave her an impressed look. “I never would have guessed. You’re so mature for your age.”

Pride bloomed in her chest. “I’ll be fourteen in May.”

“Wow. Oh to be thirteen again, and have your whole future ahead of you.”

“How… how old are you?”

He chuckled, throwing a piece of popcorn into the air and catching it in his mouth. “How old do you think I am?”

“Um…” She looked him up and down, really trying to size him up. “Seven… teen?”

“Not quite. I’ll be twenty one at the beginning of June.”

“Oh wow.”

“Wow?”

She shrugged, scuffing her shoe against the ground. “I don’t know. Twenty one feels so old.”

“Old?” He put a hand to his chest. “Tobin, you’re killing me!”

“No! I didn’t say that _you_ are old, I just meant that it seems old. Since I’m thirteen. Y’know?”

“I guess. But I think people put way too much stock in age.”

“You do?”

He nodded. “I do. Take us for example: You are a thirteen year old who is wise beyond her years. I know we just met, but I can tell! It’s the air that you give off. I on the other hand, am twenty years old but I have the spirit of a kid.” He placed a hand on her knee. “But doesn’t that mean we should meet up in the middle?”

“I guess so.”

“So tell me Tobin, what movie are you here to see?”

“Moana.”

“Oh.”

His short answer made her feel embarrassed. “Oh?”

He smiled slightly, shrugging. “I don’t know. That seems like such a little kid movie. I assumed you were here to see the Fantastic Beasts movie.”

She sighed. “I wish. I watched all the Harry Potter movies at my friend Allie’s house, I love them! But my mom doesn’t really like for us to watch stuff about magic. So I guess I’ll just have to wait for it to come out on DVD.”

He hummed. “Well… maybe you and I could go see it?”

She laughed nervously. “What?”

He squeezed her knee slightly. “C’mon, doesn’t that sound like fun?”

“Well yeah, but… but I don’t even know your name!”

He smiled, his blue eyes crinkling at the corners. “That’s because you never asked.”

“Oh. Well… what’s your name?”

“Samuel,” he replied.

Tobin had to keep herself from gasping out loud. _Samuel._ She couldn’t help but think back to the bible story she had read, about Hannah begging God to change the way he made her, and when he did and gave her a baby, she named him Samuel saying, ‘because I asked the Lord for him.’ _Samuel._ She couldn’t help but feel like maybe the answer to her prayers, her tearful begging for God to make her straight, had been answered as well.

“Really, no pressure. I just thought that since we seem to get along so well and it’s a movie you want to see, that we could go.” He shrugged. “But if you don’t want to…”

“I do! I mean… that could be fun.” Tobin tried to give him her most confident smile.

“Awesome.”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Why don’t you put your number in my phone and then I can shoot you a text? And we can figure out a time to hang out.”

She bit her lip the entire time she typed it in, feeling like her stomach was full of butterflies. She saved it under ‘Tobin (from the movies)’ and handed it back. He laughed and shook his head.

“Oh that won’t do at all.” He typed for a second and showed her the screen.

‘Tobin (the prettiest girl in California)’

“Oh my GOD! I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to- Oh. Hi.” Christen had run up to Tobin, skidding to a stop, but was now staring back forth between her and Samuel. “Sorry to… interrupt?”

“I should really be going, Doctor Strange will be starting soon.” Samuel stood up and Tobin did too, trying to be casual about the way she smoothed out her shirt. “It was really nice to meet you, Tobin. I’m glad I could keep you company while you waited.”

“It was nice to meet you, too.”

He smiled at Christen then threw Tobin a wink before walking quickly away.

“Who was that?” Christen demanded breathlessly.

“I…” Tobin sucked in a deep breath, trying to process everything that had happened. “That’s Samuel.”

“Do you know him?”

Tobin began walking towards their theatre, Christen following. “No, he came up and started talking to me while I was sitting there waiting for you- which, what the hell? We said six!”

Christen gave a dramatic eye roll. “I know. And I’m so sorry! But my mom said that Tyler had to drive me, and she was being so dumb! She was talking to her boyfriend and I told her we needed to go but she wouldn’t listen to me, so I tried to take the phone away, and she got mad and hit me in the stomach, and long story short I’m lucky my mom even let me come. But so he just, came up to you?”

“Yeah! We… I don’t know. He saw that I was alone and so we were talking.” She handed the attendant their tickets.

“What did you even talk about?” Christen giggled. “Taxes? Insurance? He was like… an adult.”

“No!” Tobin laughed as she held the door open for her. “Braces. And Harry Potter.”

Christen gave her a look as they started down the darkened hallway to the auditorium. “A hot guy came up to you and you talked about your braces?” she asked in a confused whisper.

“He was pretty hot, wasn’t he?” Tobin asked.

“Duh.”

They arrived at their seats right as the movie began, but Tobin was too distracted to even be mad about missing the previews. Samuel was hot. Christen said so, it was objectively true. And he had approached Tobin. He thought she was pretty. The thought made her smile.

Moana turned out to be awesome, and when Tyler came to pick them up they stole phone cord, much to her annoyance, blasting Moana’s solo song on repeat and rolling down the windows, screaming out the lyrics to the people on Hollywood Blvd.

There’s no telling how far I’ll go, Tobin smiled to herself. Maybe even on a date with a cute guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!!! @thetheatrelady


	4. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen tries to see Tobin, but it proves harder than she expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo my loves. Happy Found Friday!!

Her dad gently shook her shoulder, rousing her from sleep. Christen kept her eyes squinted shut, groaning.

“What?” she asked groggily, trying to burrow further beneath her blankets.

“Good morning to you to, darling,” he teased. “C’mon, it’s 6:30. You need to get up.”

She finally squinted her eyes open. “What are you talking about?”

“You need to get up and get ready, or you’ll be late.” He began to retreat from her room and Christen sat up, her mind working furiously to catch up.

“But… Dad, Tobin came home.”

He gave her a smile. “That’s right.”

“But, but Dad she’s home. I can’t, I need to go and see her-”

“Chris,” he interrupted with a sad smile. “You have to go to school.”

He left the room and she flopped down next to the still snoring Channing. What did he mean? Ho could she possible be expected to still go to school? Didn’t he realize that Tobin needed her, that _she_ needed _Tobin_?

She pushed the blankets back, and her little sister gave a whine. “Cold!”

“Get up, Chan.” She crossed the hallway into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Had yesterday really happened? Was Tobin really alive, really home? But angry, so upset, why was she upset? Christen’s still half asleep mind was sturggling to make sense of the day before. Why did it seem like Tobin hadn’t been happy to see her?

She pushed the thought from her mind. It must have all been too much for Tobin. After all, she had been waiting four years to see everyone again. To have it happen must be overwhelming.

She slowly went through the motions of getting ready, eating breakfast, and driving her and Channing to school as if in a fog. As she walked down the hallway, the lights felt too bright, the other students too loud. She went to her locker and began to rummage through it.

Suddenly someone slumped against the locker next to hers. “I literally can’t believe that I started my period this morning. This morning, of all mornings! I feel like garbage.”

“Uh… what’s this morning?” Christen asked.

Becky turned to give her a skeptical look. “Uh… the calculus quiz? Remember, the one that’s like 25% of this quarter’s grade?”

“Fuck.” No, she hadn’t remembered. How could she have forgotten something so major? If she bombed this test it could drag down her grade in the class, affecting her entire GPA. “Fuck!”

“Yeah, dude.” Becky looked at her closer. “Are you alright? You seem… off.”

“Yeah, yeah I just…” Christen gave her head a shake. She had to focus. “Just didn’t sleep well.”

“Well you better down a coffee or something, because you’re completely out of it,” Becky teased.

“Right. Yeah,” she answered lamely. She shut her locker and followed Becky to the cafeteria.

* * *

The moment they were dismissed from soccer practice, Christen threw her clothes on and headed for her car, not stopping to talk with anyone. She got caught in traffic on the way home but was too distracted to even be mad about it. By the time she reached Tobin’s house, her body was thrumming with a strange electricity, excited to see her friend again, to prove to herself that it hadn’t all been some weird hallucination.

She rang the doorbell and after several moments, Cindy pulled it open. “Christen! Hi honey, come in.” Christen stepped across the threshold and immediately was pulled into a tight hug, one that she thought she would probably always associate with a soul crushing sadness. It was the hug Cindy had given her the day Tobin didn’t come, the hug she had given her at her eighth grade graduation, the one where they’d saved a chair for Tobin even though everyone had begun to suspect she’d never come home, and the hug she’d given her at her mom’s funeral.

“Hi Cindy.”

She pulled back and cupped Christen’s face. “How are you, honey?”

“I’m good, I… can I see her?”

The woman smiled. “Let me go upstairs and see if she’s awake.”

Christen waited in the living room, her eyes playing over the row of four school pictures: Katie, Perry, Tobin, and Jeff. Katie and Perry’s were the senior portraits in the velvet wraps, and Jeff’s was from this year. Would Tobin get to take a senior picture? she wondered. Would she get to come back to school at all?

She turned when she heard Cindy come back downstairs. “Uh… Toby’s actually taking a little nap.” She smiled in that too bright way that adults do when they're lying.

“Oh.”

“She’s just tired a lot, you know, with the shock of everything.” She cleared her throat. “But I’ll tell her you came by, I’m sure she’ll be sad that she missed you. And you can come back another day, okay?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

Cindy gave her another too tight hug. “I’ve missed you, honey.”

She didn’t know what to say so she just nodded. “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

“That’ll be great.” Cindy walked her to the door, waving as she walked back to her car.

The next day of school turned out to be even more difficult, because the news of Tobin’s return had slowly begun to spread. Christen could see it in the way students were leaning in close to talk, showing each other their phones, glancing up at Christen as she walked by. She also saw Jeff in the hallway, and was able to gather from his surly expression and hostile stance that he had noticed the flurrying of the rumor mill as well.

When she sat down in World Religions, she pulled out her phone to see a notification from Ashlyn. They had promised to stay in touch when Ashlyn had moved upstate to live with her grandparents but that’s always easier said than done. She opened it to find a tiktok of a cute dog. It made her smile and open up her text messages.

Chris: Yes hi I would DIE for Mocha the Pomeranian

Ash: SAME

Ash: How are you doing?

Christen took a deep breath

Chris: Fine ig. Tired. Annoyed with people. I just want to see her

Ash: Yeah I get that

Chris: Uggghhhhh

Chris: Distract me pls

Ash: Well, did I tell you I met someone?

Chris: NO?

Ash: Haha. Yeah her name is Ali. She… Idk dude. Sometimes I think she likes me. Other times I think she hates me.

Chris: Ash nooooo

Chris: Stop dating girls you think you can fix

Ash: Excuse me ma’am?!

Chris: You only date girls who are emotionally fucked up!

Ash: Uh I dated you?

Chris: Exactly :)

The teacher stepped into the room and Christen slid her phone back into her bag, trying to turn her mind to where her textbook was open to the units on Eastern Religions and Philosophy, but failing. She missed Ashlyn. Sure they had dated for something like six months before she moved, but even before that she had been a good friend, helping her get through the hard days after her mom died.

And then Ashlyn had gone away.

Just like her mom.

Just like Tobin.

She pushed the thought from her mind. They were completely different situations, Ashlyn had moved, her mom had gotten sick, Tobin had been abducted. The three things were completely separate apart from the fact that Christen had endured them. She knew that logically, but it didn’t help the sore spot deep within her that whispered that someday, everyone else would abandon her too.

* * *

That afternoon it was Big Jeff who answered the door. “Uh, hi.”

“Hi. I’m here to see Tobin.”

He glanced uncomfortably behind him then back at Christen. “I don’t… she’s really tired.”

“Yeah… that’s what Cindy said yesterday. Can I come in just for a second? To say hi?”

He slid his hands into his pockets. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Christen. She needs to rest. The doctors said she needs to keep it easy, not overexert herself.”

“Well I’m not suggesting we play a pick up game or something.” She would normally never be so rude to an adult, especially not one of her friends’ parents, but she was getting frustrated. “I just want to say hello.”

He shook his head, his brow setting the same way it had when Christen and Tobin had accidentally broken a window in the fourth grade. “Not today. You can try next week.”

“Next week?” Why was he keeping Tobin hidden away? She had been gone for so long, she deserved to get to see her friends! After all, he and Cindy were divorced, he didn’t even live here anymore.

“Next week,” he repeated, crossing his arms. “Better run along home, Christen. You don’t want to be late for dinner.”

She nodded, defeated and went back to her car. However, when she reached the driver side door she turned back to look at the house and caught sight of a figure in the upstairs window. Tobin was staring down at her, her face blank. Christen raised her hand and waved, expecting a wave back, but instead Tobin just continued to stare for a moment, then turned away.

Rejection zinged through her body, leaving her hot and light headed. She fumbled with the door handle, taking several tries to pull it open, and flung herself gracelessly into the car. She didn’t understand what was happening. Why couldn’t she see Tobin? Why was she upset with her? What was going on?

She took several shaky breaths and turned back to see Big Jeff standing on the porch, watching her. She turned the key in the ignition, and slowly drove the few blocks home, feeling like she might fall apart the whole way.

X

Becky slid into the seat next to her and took a deep breath before turning to look at Christen expectantly.

“What?” Christen snapped.

Becky flinched backwards. “Excuse me?”

“Well? Are you going to ask me about her?” By now it seemed all of Griffith Academy had heard that their former classmate and friend had been found, and a few of the braver (if more thoughtless) students had come up to Christen and boldly asked her about it.

“No, I was going to ask if you had finished reading Matamorphoses for English, but never mind,” she replied cooly.

Christen sighed. “Sorry. I just… Been a long week.”

Becky softened. “Yeah. I can only imagine.”

The sat in silence for a few seconds. “I saw her the day she came home,” Christen breathed, terrified of anyone overhearing.

“You did?”

Christen nodded, ducking her head. “Just for a minute.”

“How did she look?”

Christen chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Her hair is longer.”

“Right.”

“I want to see her again, but her parents won’t let me. Or maybe she doesn’t want to see me, I don’t know.” She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, suddenly annoyed with the weight of it on her neck.

Becky nodded for a second, then gave her an almost sly look. “You know what makes you such a great soccer player, Chris?”

Confused at the shift in conversation, Christen wrinkled her nose. “Uh, what?”

“Your speed. That and your ability to get around defenders. To get where you need to be.”

Understanding dawned on Christen. “You think?”

Becky gave a little shrug. “It’s at least worth a shot, right?”

That afternoon, Christen didn’t change out of her athletics clothes, only trading out her cleats for her running shoes. She drove straight to Tobin’s house and marched up to the front door, squaring her shoulders.

Cindy answered the door, drying her hands on a dishcloth, and gave Christen a slightly puzzled smile. “Chris! I didn’t think that… Well, Jeff said-”

“It’s nice to see you, Cindy.” Then Christen quickly stepped around her and darted up the stairs.

“Christen-”

“I’ll only be a few minutes!” she called over her shoulder, crossing the landing in a few steps and letting herself into Tobin’s room before shutting the door behind her.

She turned and for the second time was hit with the same earth-shattering realization that Tobin was truly home. She was laying back across her bed, a magazine in front of her, but she pulled herself to sitting a Christen’s entrance.

“Uh…”

“Hi,” Christen forced out.

“Hey.”

“I… I came by the past few days.”

“You… you did?”

“I saw you yesterday,” Christen snapped, her voice high and thin. “You were at the window, you saw your dad turn me away.”

“I’ve been… tired.”

“Oh really? Tired?”

“Yes,” Tobin replied defensively, coming to her feet.

Without warning, Christen's anger and frustration suddenly fell away, leaving her with nothing but heartache and disappointment. Tears rushed at her eyes but she tried to talk around them. “Why are you mad at me? I don’t, I don’t understand what I did!”

Tobin face twisted in horror. “Christen… no, no I’m not-”

“Not what, Tobs? Not mad at me?”

“No, of course not!”

“Then what is it? Why didn’t you want to see me?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“How? Why? I was your best friend!”

“But I’m different now!” Tobin yelled.

Christen flinched backwards. “What, so, so you’re just back and you don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” Her voice cracked as the tears began to run down her cheeks.

“It’s- I’m not the same person I was when we were fourteen!”

“Neither am I!”

They stared awkwardly at each other, and for one awful, dark moment, Christen wished that Tobin hadn’t come back at all.

“It’s just been really… hard,” Tobin finally said. “Everything’s the same, but it’s different, and…” She took a deep breath, staring around her bedroom as if it would somehow hold the words she was looking for. “I just feel really lost. Like obviously I’m happy to see my family, but my sisters are in college and my brother’s a dickhead, and my parents got a divorce, and-” she broke off, looking panic stricken.

Christen sat on the edge of Tobin’s bed. “Yeah. I’m really sorry about that.”

“It’s…” She shook her head. “And everyday reporters and journalists are calling, they circle the house like vultures. And if it’s not them, it’s the police wanting to ask me questions and show me pictures and make official statements, and it just… It’s so much. And it feels like I’m somehow doing everything wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” Christen whispered.

Tobin slumped next to her on the bed, not quite touching her. “Don’t apologize, you didn’t…” She shook her head again. “It’s just a lot,” she mumbled.

Christened swallowed down the lump in her throat. “Can I give you a hug?”

Tobin shrugged. “Sure.”

Christen hesitantly leaned forward and wrapped her arms round Tobin, loosely at first, but more firmly when she smelled her shampoo, the same familiar scent Tobin had been using since Christen could remember. “I missed you so much. Every day.”

“I missed you too.”

Christen pulled back. “I… I’m sorry I made you mad the other day.”

Tobin sighed, avoiding eye contact with Christen. “Everything is way more complicated than it seems,” she mumbled.

“What do you mean?”

Tobin opened her mouth, looking even more lost, but then the door opened. Cindy gave Christen a small smile.

“She really does need to rest, sweetheart. But what if you came over for dinner on Friday? I’m making lasagna!”

“Uh sure.” Christen got to her feet. “I’m… glad you’re home, Toby.”

Tobin smiled, the first wide ‘Tobin’ smile that Christen had seen in four years. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! If any of you read my story 'The Way She Tells Me I'm Hers (and She Is Mine)', it's the selection for the Preathfics discord fic-club this week. I'll be there answering questions, Sunday 3pm EST!


	5. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While trying to have fun at a beginning of summer party, Christen is met with a flesh and blood reminder of what she's lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the delay! Hope everyone had a good holiday with your family (blood or otherwise)

Summer had arrived. Most of Christen’s classmates were stoked, happy to be free from classrooms and rules, happy to be one step closer to graduation, but Chris couldn’t help but be sad.

Junior year had been a good one. She’d had a great season, she was in touch with several colleges, and she’d had a group of friends who made her feel included. She’d even had a girlfriend!

But now, she had several weeks before the first invitational would take her away from California. She didn’t have homework to pour herself into. Her friends were busy having fun and being young. And Ashlyn had officially moved upstate, forcing them to break up.

Part of her wanted to be angry. If Ashlyn had just kept her cool, had called Christen instead of rising to her stepdad’s taunts and criticisms, she would still be in LA. But in her heart, she knew that it had only been a matter of time before this happened. And maybe this was good! Maybe Ashlyn would be happier with her grandparents.

But that didn’t mean Christen was happy about her best friend moving eight hours away.

She felt the familiar flinch in her stomach. _One of her best friends,_ she silently amended.

She grabbed another wine cooler from the kitchen, trying to avoid thoughts of Tobin. She had been invited to this party to celebrate the fact that they were going to be seniors. She didn’t want to be sad tonight.

She twisted off the top of the bottle and took a drink before pulling her phone from the pocket of her shorts, seeing that she had an unread text.

Ashlyn: This town is so fucking boring.

Christen smiled.

Christen: Well hello to you too

Ashlyn: Chris, there’s nothing to do! It’s legit tiny.

She couldn’t help but laugh.

Christen: Ash it has like 90K people. It’s not tiny.

Ashlyn: Okay, but the people suck

Christen: Oh really? You’ve talked to every single one of them?

Ashlyn: Yes. I had them all line up then I went down the row, speed dating style

Christen: I admire the effort

Ashlyn: I miss you :(

“Chris, you wanna play quarters?” She glanced up from her phone, shooting a quick smile to the guy who’d asked.

“Oh, no I’m okay. Thanks.”

He shrugged and she looked back down at her phone.

Ashlyn: I wish you were here. You would make this shit hole more interesting.

Christen glanced around, checking to see if anyone was paying attention to her. Satisfied they weren’t, she tucked her drink in the corner of her arm, turning all of her focus to her phone.

Christen: Oh you think so? How?

Ashlyn: Well if you were here then I could kiss on your neck the way you like

Christen: That would be nice

Ashlyn: I’d pull you to sit on my lap, run my hands up and down your thighs

Christen could feel her cheeks beginning to redden, her breathing starting to change. She hoped that if anyone were to glance over they would assume that it was just the effects of alcohol, even though Christen had barely had anything to drink.

Christen: Mmm

Christen: I’d let my hands go under your shirt, draggin my nails up your abs until I got to your sports bra

Ashlyn: Fuck Chris

Christen: I wish we could

Ashlyn: God

Ashlyn: I’m in my room, touching myself, thinkin about u

Christen was pulled away from her phone screen by a commotion across the room, her stomach sinking as she saw who it was.

“You’re not supposed to be here, underclassmen weren’t invited,” one of the senior guys said, folding his arms across his chest.

Fifteen year old Jeffrey Heath didn’t back down. He had his usual scowl on his face, and judging by the redness of his face, he’d already downed several beers.

“What’s the big deal? You didn’t even notice me for an hour, just go back to jacking each other off!”

The senior puffed his chest out, taking a few steps closer. “What the fuck did you say to me?”

“What, are you so stupid that you can’t hear anything that isn’t cave man grunts?”

Christen crossed the room in a flash, shoving her drink into a random person’s hands. She quickly got between Jeff and the senior, who was looking downright murderous at this point.

“Ignore him, Brandon. He’s just drunk.”

“Yeah, drunk on our beer, the little shit head!”

She placed a hand on his chest. “C’mon, it’s not worth it. I’ll take him home.”

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Jeff spat. He turned to one of the other seniors who had been standing by watching. “And I don’t need your ugly ass looking at me.”

Before Christen could react, the guy pulled back his fist and sent it crashing into Jeff’s nose. Immediately hot red blood began to flow down his face, even as he was yelling, cussing out the guys around him for what he apparently considered a cheap shot.

Christen spotted a roll of paper towels on the nearby table, no doubt left there in the aftermath of a beer pong spill. She grabbed them and tore off a wad, shoving them into Jeff’s hand and forcing him to hold it to his nose.

“Listen just get him to my car and I’ll get him out of here.” Brandon took a step forward and Jeff swiped out with his free hand.

“’M fine!” he insisted. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Christen grabbed the shoulder of his tee shirt. “Chill out, Jeff! I’m taking you home.”

“No…” But by now two of the guys had grabbed him by he arms and were looking at Christen expectantly, so she led them towards her car, digging her keys out of her bag. They deposited Jeff into her passenger seat and Christen got into the driver’s seat with a grumble. Leave it to Jeffrey Heath to reliably ruin her evening.

“What the fuck, Jeff?”

“Not explaining myself to you,” he replied.

She couldn’t help but sigh, turning the key in the ignition and pulling away from the curb. “Where does your mom think you are?”

“Fuck off, Christen.”

“You shouldn’t lie to her, Jeff, they-”

“Well maybe I told her I’m spending the night at your house! Hm? I mean that’s the golden ticket for getting to do whatever the fuck you want, right?”

The reminder hit Christen like a slap to the face. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel, staring straight out the windshield. “That’s not fair,” she gritted out.

“Yeah well, life’s not fair.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Christen had to try again. “You know, you’re just hurting your parents when you do shit like this.”

“Boo hoo,” he slurred.

“I’m serious, Jeff-”

“Don’t you get it? They don’t care about me. They fucking lost it when she left. Everything else stopped mattering. Never mind that they still had three kids… Nothing mattered without Tobin.”

She swallowed back the familiar ache at her name. “They were just hurting-”

“No Christen, you don’t get it, okay? And… and I was hurting. We’re all hurting. And she didn’t even care. She just left. She left and never came back.” His voice was quiet now, almost sounding sober.

“She…” Christen sighed, not sure what she wanted to say.

“What do you think happened?”

“I don’t-”

“Tell me. I mean, you were the last one to see her alive, I deserve to know what happened to my sister.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Jeff.”

“Did she go with him willingly? Did he kill her?”

She slammed on her brakes, earning a honk and a middle finger as the suburban behind them sped around.

“Fuck, I don’t know, Jeff! Okay? I don’t know what happened, and if I did, I would have-”

“Would have what?”

“I would have… dragged her from the car or something! I don’t know, I would have told someone but I didn’t know!” She turned to face him. “I. Didn’t. Know,” she repeated. “I hadn’t… I hadn’t really spent any time with him, I just knew what she had told me and…” She shook her head. “She talked about him like he was her entire world.”

“So she left with him willingly.”

She opened her mouth to answer, but paused, unsure of what to say. “I don’t know, Jeff. She… when we were talking she didn’t seem like she had plans to…”

“Part… part of me kinda hopes she ran away,” Jeff whispered. “I don’t know it just seems like… if she did, then she might still be alive. Because otherwise…” Neither one of them finished that thought.

“Yeah.”

“And it also makes it a lot easier to be fucking pissed at her.” The drunken bravado was back, and Christen eased her foot off of the brake, continuing down the street.

“Why are you mad at her?”

He let out a low laugh. “Why aren’t you? Best case scenario, she what, fell in love with some pedophile and he whisked her away to live happily ever after and she’s just conveniently ignoring all the shit, all of the pain she put us through. And worst case scenario…” He shook his head. “She trusted the wrong person. She trusted some dude and he kidnapped her and probably raped her and murdered her…” By now Jeff was full on crying, his face buried in his hands, his shoulders shaking.

Christen pulled up in front of the Heath’s house and unfastened her seatbelt. She slowly got out and came around to the passenger door. She helped Jeff out he fell against her, the alcohol and grief and anger too much for him to bear. She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing her eyes shut. She knew what he was feeling- how could she not? She had spent so much of the past four years going down this rabbit hole. The not knowing was by far the worst part. She rubbed his back for several minutes, comforting him, until the porch light turned on and the front door opened.

Christen turned to see Cindy Heath, wrapped in a robe, face twisted in confusion. But as soon as Jeff turned and she saw the dried blood and the still coming tears, it morphed into panic.

“Jeffrey? What happened?” She hurried forward and took his face in her hands, trying to get a better look.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, then was completely engulfed by the tears. She pulled him close, rocking him gently from side to side.

“It’s okay, my baby. It’s okay.”

He leaned on her a little harder and she stumbled slightly under his weight.

“Do… do you want help getting him inside?”

“Yes please.” Christen pulled one arm over her shoulder and they walked him up the sidewalk. She helped deposit Jeff on the living room couch then looked on awkwardly as Cindy grabbed a trash can to put in front of him, just in case.

“Why is he covered in blood?”

“Oh.” Christen shifted from foot to foot. “He… got into a disagreement with one of the guys on the football team.”

Cindy gave a heavy sigh. “I remember the days when Perry was my fighter, the one I had to worry over.” She turned to Christen and all she could think was how tired Cindy looked. Without makeup and her hair done, she seemed to be drowning in heartache, the kind that made a person look old in a way that had nothing to do with wrinkles. “Thank you for bringing him home.”

“Of course.” Christen shuffled backwards. “I’ll get out of your way.”

“No!” Cindy’s hand shot out, grabbing Christen’s arm. “Do… do you want some water or something before you go? Something to eat?”

She looked so desperately hopeful that Christen had no choice but to nod. “A glass of water would be great.” Cindy nodded and Christen found herself sitting at the breakfast bar.

“So, senior year! Are you excited?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I guess. It seems crazy that it’s here.”

“Yeah.” Cindy nodded, her eyes soft and sad. “It’s… It’s amazing how time flies.”

Christen nodded, her stomach in a tight knot.

“You know, I remember the first time Tobin brought you over.” Her smile seemed too bright, too forced. “You were so nice and polite, the perfect opposite of my four animals.” She gave a breathy chuckle. “I remember thinking that you would be a good influence on Toby.”

Christen stared at her glass of water, not trusting herself to speak.

“But, but enough about then, what’s going on with you now? What colleges are you looking at?”

“Uh… Stanford seems pretty interested. But I’m also looking at UCLA, Villanova, a few others.”

“All great schools. And you’re so smart, you’d thrive there!” Her head bobbed up and down. “Are you dating anyone?”

“No,” Christen replied with a bit of a strained chuckle.

“Well, any special boys on the horizon? You’re so pretty, I bet your dad is beating them off with a stick!”

Christen forced a smile then drank the rest of her water in one large swallow. “I should get going, my curfew is soon.”

“Right, right, of course.” Cindy followed her as she walked quickly to the door. “And Christen, you… you can stop by anytime, if you want. If you need to get out of your house, or, or you just need someone to talk to.”

Christen’s chest ached. She wasn’t Tobin, and Cindy wasn’t her mother. “Right…” She gave a quick wave of her hand and began to walk back towards her car, pretending she hadn’t seen Cindy reaching out for a hug.

“Thanks again, Christen! And get home safe!”

She didn’t turn around, instead locking herself in her car and leaning her head against the steering wheel.

Fuck this. Fuck all of this, and fuck Jeff for putting her in this situation. She pulled on her seatbelt and started the car, quickly driving back to her house.

She didn’t pull her phone from her pocket until she was in her room, seeing three missed texts.

Ashlyn: Thinking about that thing you do with ur tongue

Ashlyn: Chris?

Ashlyn: Fuck, too far? I’m sorry

She gave a small smile and sent a quick text explaining what happened. She plugged her phone in then crawled into bed, turning off her lamp. She stared into the darkness as she waited for sleep to come. She tried to force away all of the memories that had been dredged up, not wanting to have one of the nightmares that had gotten less and less frequent as time went by, but she knew it was probably useless. They would come, reminding her of how she had failed, and of everything she had lost.


	6. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen goes to dinner at Tobin's house, but doesn't necessarily get any of the answers she's looking for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh what's this? And update on a Monday? Hopefully maybe a two/week update schedule?   
> Hopefully, but TBD lol
> 
> Happy Cyber Monday lol

Christen lifted her hand to knock on the Heath’s front door, but it was pulled open before she could.

“Christen! Hi honey!” Cindy stepped back to allow Christen in. “Want me to hang up your jacket?”

“Oh, sure.” Christen shrugged it off and handed it over. “It’s a little chilly today.”

“It is! The meteorologist said it might get into the forties tonight.” Cindy put a hand on her shoulder. “Tobin’s in the living room, dinner will be in a few.”

“Okay.” Christen walked in to find Tobin sitting on the couch, remote loosely held in her hand. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She gestured to the screen. “I’m just watching the recap of the Arsenal game.”

Christen settled onto the loveseat. “Ah. Still their biggest fan?”

Tobin gave her a wide grin. “Oh yeah. I mean… I haven’t watched them much, but…” she trailed off, her eyes seeming far away. “Yeah. Still a gooner.”

“They’re having a pretty good season so far.”

“They are. It’ll be interesting to see how they match up against Man City.”

“For sure.” Christen pulled a throw pillow into her lap. Everything between them felt awkward and stunted, like they were having to reintroduce themselves. “Where’s Jeff?”

“Upstairs. Brooding.” Tobin rolled her eyes. “That’s pretty much all he does.”

Christen nodded. “Yeah. Any time I see him at school he’s just kind of stomping around.”

Tobin smiled and turned her attention back to the TV.

“So… It’s just gonna be the four of us?”

Tobin shook her head, not looking at her. “No. My dad’s coming, too.”

“Oh. Cool.” Christen also turned her attention to ESPN, and they watched in silence until Big Jeff arrived and Cindy announced that dinner was ready.

It was hard for Christen to believe that this was Tobin, her one time best friend who she’d known so well that they could communicate with just a look. Now every word felt like an effort, unnatural and stiff. She wondered if coming over tonight was a bad idea. Perhaps it was better to just accept that things had changed. After all Tobin was right; they weren’t the same people they were when they were fourteen. Maybe if Tobin had never gone away, they would have naturally grown apart. Maybe they just weren’t meant to be friends. Christen’s heart hurt at the thought, and she quickly pushed it away.

Once grace was said and the food was dished out, Cindy gave Christen a bright smile. “So! How’s school?”

She swallowed her bite of lasagna. “It’s good! I mean, my course work is pretty heavy this semester, but I like most of my classes. I’m excited for Christmas Break though.”

“Is Tyler coming home?”

Christen shook her head. “She has a friend who’s from England, they’re going to London for the break.”

“Oh London is beautiful at Christmas! Jeff, do you remember when we went?”

He nodded with a tight smile. “It was very pretty, even if their accents were annoying.”

This earned slight laughs from Christen and Tobin, and Cindy rolled her eyes good naturedly. “Oh Jeff…”

“And how is the soccer season?”

“Really good! I think we have a good chance of taking the Division title again. Although, if Toby’s back then we’ve got it in the bag.” She lightly elbowed her with a smile.

Tobin didn’t look up from her plate. “I’m not coming back to school,” she mumbled under her breath.

“Oh.” Christen once again felt like she had stepped off of a conversational cliff.

“We decided that it would be best if Tobin did her school work online for now,” Cindy explained delicately. “That way she can work at her own pace, and if she gets tired she can take a break.”

“Plus I didn’t want to come back to school as a seventeen year old eighth grader,” Tobin added dryly.

“Oh so you weren’t-” Christen broke off awkwardly. She didn’t know what she was allowed to ask about where Tobin had been for the past four years.

“No. I wasn’t in school.”

“What were-”

“Are you playing tennis this spring?” Big Jeff interrupted, making it plain that whatever Christen had been about to ask, it was off limits.

“Uh… no. No, I decided to just focus on soccer and track.”

“That’ll be good! You don’t want to overextend yourself during your senior year,” Cindy replied lightly.

“Right.”

“And if you ever find yourself missing tennis, maybe you and Tobs can play!”

“Yeah!” Christen glanced over at Tobin. “I’d love that.”

The table fell into silence for several minutes, then Big Jeff looked over at his son. “So how was school this week?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you just remember that you have another kid at this table?” he snarked.

“Jeffrey,” his dad warned.

He glared up at the ceiling. “School is great, dad. It’s super. I love it.”

“Don’t use that tone with me.”

“This is just my voice.”

“Jeffrey,” Cindy sighed, rubbing at her forehead.

“School was great. I went to all of my classes, I spent all day with people I hate. I didn’t get in any fights, oh but I didn’t fuck off to Arizona with a guy twice my age so I guess none of that matters.”

Immediately, Jeff was on his feet. “Go to your room. Now.” He did as he was told, leaving the rest of them in uneasy silence.

“I’m sorry you had to be here to see that, Christen.”

She gave her head a tiny shake, keeping her eyes on her plate. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not. He shouldn’t be using that kind of language, not at all but especially not here in our house, in front of-” Jeff gestured angrily towards his ex-wife.

“It’s fine, Jeff,” Cindy repeated quietly.

“I’m, um, I’m finished,” Tobin said, pushing her plate away.

Jeff glanced over. “No, you need to eat more than that.”

“Jeff if she’s not hungry-”

“She needs to rebuild her strength, Cin-”

“I’m full,” Tobin insisted. “If I’m hungry later then I’ll come down and have more.”

Cindy and Jeff held eye contact for a long moment before he gave in. “Fine. You’re excused.” Tobin pushed back from the table, leaving Christen awkwardly staring between them.

“Um, I’m just gonna…” Cindy nodded and gestured towards the stairs, and Christen quickly followed Tobin up.

She found her laying back on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Well that was… a lot.”

Tobin scoffed. “I swear, if he doesn’t stop acting like a little fucking bitch, I’m going to tear him apart.”

Christen was taken aback by Tobin’s language, but decided to let it slide. “He just… It must be hard. I mean, it _is_ hard.”

“What?”

“You being here. I mean, it’s amazing and I’m so glad you’re here and alive, but it also like… raises some questions.”

Tobin sat up, her face inscrutable. “Well then ask them.”

“I just…” Christen swallowed. “Where were you?”

“Arizona.”

“Okay, but like, were you locked in a basement or something?”

Tobin folded her arms tightly across her chest. “No Chris, God.”

“Well?” Christen let out a stunned laugh. “That’s pretty much the only reason I can think of for you not reaching out at any point during the last four years.”

“I already told you, everything is a lot more complicated than it seems.”

“Well then explain it! Explain where you were, what you were doing.”

Tobin stood up from the bed. “I don’t have to explain shit to you!”

“We thought you were dead!” This made Tobin flinch backwards, and in a sick way Christen loved it. “We waited and waited, but we never saw you again. There was no note, no phone call, nothing.”

“It was… I couldn’t…”

“Couldn’t what, Tobin? Couldn’t let someone know that you were alive?”

“You don’t get it! Okay? And you’ll never get it, because you weren’t there, you haven’t seen the things I’ve seen, you haven’t lived my life or had my experiences. So how about you just fuck off back home to your mommy, alright? Because I’m not a little kid anymore, and I’m not explaining myself to you.”

Christen half expected to burst into tears again, but found herself nothing but angry. “Yeah, I can’t do that Tobin, because she’s dead.” She spat the words at her, wanting to get through the strange, aloof exterior Tobin was putting up. She felt vindicated when her eyes went wide. “What, you think you’re the only one who’s had to grow up since we last saw each other? Because news flash, you’re not.”

Tobin glanced at the ground, then back up at Christen, her face pinched. “I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”

Christen scoffed. “Yeah, well how would you? I mean, it’s not like you’ve asked me anything about my life since you got back.”

“I… When? How?”

Christen swallowed thickly. “She was… sick. She had an aneurism, and then there was a coma…”

“I’m so sorry.”

Christen shook her head. “I mean, it’s not your fault.”

“No, but I’m still sorry that she’s gone.” Tobin licked at her lips. “She was… always so wonderful."

Christen nodded, tapping her foot in an effort to stave off the waves of emotion that always hit when she thought about her mom. “I’m just saying, I’m not fourteen anymore either. I’ve also lived through some shit. We all did, Tobin. I mean… can you even imagine what it was like when you didn’t come home that morning? Or the morning after that? Putting up missing posters, combing the woods, praying we wouldn’t find your body? But then as time went on, hoping we would find your body because I figured it couldn’t be any worse than the not knowing.”

“I’m sorry, Chris. I really am.”

“Stop… stop saying that you’re sorry. I know that you are, but it doesn’t change anything.” Christen chewed on the inside of her cheek for a second. “What do you mean when you say Arizona?”

“Phoenix.”

“Phoenix,” Christen repeated. “And when did you go?”

“The… the night that I last saw you. That’s where I woke up the next day.”

“Because… because of him?” She was worried of pressing too far and making Tobin shut down, but she needed to know.

She nodded. “Yeah, he… we… I was with him.”

“This whole time?”

Tobin nodded. Christen sighed, unsure of how she was supposed to feel about this. “Right. Well I… I think I’m going to go home. I, I have to be up early in the morning, and I… I should go.” She turned without waiting for a reply and hurried down the stairs and out of the house.

She barely said hello to her dad when she got home, instead taking the stairs two at a time in order to throw herself down on her bed, burying her face in her pillow. She heard the door open and she lifted up just enough to see Channing in the doorway.

“Just me. Can I come in?” Christen sighed and nodded, rolling over to make room. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, unsure of how to compose her racing thoughts into words. “I just… she was with him the whole time, Chan.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah. And I… I guess on one hand I knew that he had something to do with her disappearing, but I thought that… I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought.” This was a lie, of course. She’d been pushing aside terrifying thoughts of prostitution rings or something horrifyingly similar, but even the thought of voicing it made her sick to her stomach.

“But it was always him.”

“Yeah.” Christen blew out a breath. “I just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“I mean, even now at almost eighteen, I can’t imagine dating someone that much older than me. And I definitely can’t imagine running off with him. I can’t imagine staying.”

“Maybe she didn’t have a choice.”

“But she said that he wasn’t keeping her locked up in some basement or something.”

Channing hummed, thinking through what she wanted to say. “Yeah. But there’s also more than one way of being locked up, y’know?”

Christen’s eyes softened and she gently poked her sister in the cheek. “When did you get so smart, hm?”

Channing laughed, rolling her eyes. “It must have rubbed off on me after spending so much time with you, _Miss Stanford._ Did you tell her that you decided to play for them?”

She shook her head. “No. It didn’t feel like the right time, it didn’t…” She sighed again. “I don’t know. It’s all just so weird right now, Chan. It doesn’t feel like anything will ever be normal again.”

“Yeah. I get that. But… it also felt like that after Mom died. And eventually it was.”

“I wish it would hurry up and get here.”

“Well allow me to give you a little bit of normalcy.” Channing rolled over onto her stomach and gave Christen what was clearly supposed to be an angelic smile. “Can I borrow your green top?”

Christen groaned. “No! When I let you borrow my corduroy skirt, you completely ruined it!”

“No I didn’t, I got almost all of the fruit punch out!”

“C’mon Chris please?” She climbed on top of her, giving her puppy dog eyes. “I look so pretty in it!”

“Yeah, so do I, which is why you can’t borrow it!”

“C’mon!” She folded her hands in front of her. “Please, please, please?”

Christen rolled her eyes. “Ugh fine, but I swear to god Channing, if you get even one thing on it-”

“I promise, I won’t!” She pressed a smacking kiss to Christen’s cheek then climbed off of her, retrieving the shirt from her closet. Christen laughed but then found herself sinking back into her frustrated sadness. Tobin was finally back, but when would she get some real answers about where she had been? And perhaps more importantly, how would those answers affect their relationship going forward?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's chit chat on tumblr @thetheatrelady


	7. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the direct aftermath of Tobin's disappearance, Katie tries to be there for her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey boo thangs. Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I had to stand outside of CityMD for six hours in the cold and rain to be told I don't have an ear infection. :)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter lol

This had to be a joke, Katie couldn’t help but think for the thousandth time.

No, this had to be some sort of nightmare.

From the moment her mom had come bursting into her room, she had felt like she was in some strange alternate universe, one where nothing made sense.

If someone had told Katie a month ago that one of her siblings would end up having a secret boyfriend, to be honest she would have assumed that it was herself. Not Tobin. Never Tobin.

She hadn’t even realized that Tobin was interested in boys yet. She was always so quiet on the subject that Katie had assumed that she was a late bloomer, that she wasn’t interested in dating anyone.

How could she possibly have predicted that she was dating a twenty year old? And why hadn’t Tobin told her?

Her parents were talking with the police again. Well, talking wasn’t quite the right word. Arguing, pleading, begging them to realize that something was wrong, that they needed help.

For the past few days, it felt like her parents didn’t really see Katie outside of questioning her and Perry about anything they might know. Her dad wasn’t going to work, her mom wasn’t cooking or doing laundry. If Katie hadn’t driven the three of them to school that morning, she wasn’t sure that anyone would have made sure they went. It was as if they had completely checked out on anything that wasn’t figuring out what had happened to Tobin.

She stirred at the pot on the stove. On any normal day, her mom would have been behind her, teasing her about macaroni and cheese not being a complete meal. It would turn into a whole lesson on the proper composition of a meal, how you needed protein and vegetables to make you feel full. But not tonight. Tonight Katie was on her own, so mac n cheese would have to do.

She dished it out into bowls and brought them to the kitchen table where Perry and Jeff were working on their homework. Perry wrinkled her nose.

“Just mac n cheese?”

Katie bit back the instinct to snap at her fifteen year old sister, to tell her that if she didn’t want to eat it then she could starve for all she cared. “It’s pretty much the only thing I know how to cook,” she admitted.

“You should probably work on that before you go to college.”

 _College._ Funny, up until Saturday afternoon, graduating from high school and starting at the University of Washington was pretty much all she thought about. But now… that seemed a million miles away.

“Yeah. I guess I should,” she answered quietly. Would she still get to go to college? She somehow couldn’t imagine her parents would be able to stomach the idea of losing yet another daughter, even in a more conventional way.

Jeff had already shoveled all of his dinner into his mouth, in the way that only a middle school boy can. He gave a loud burp, earning a dirty look from Perry. “I’m done.”

“Okay, uh… did you finish your homework?” Katie asked.

He shrugged. “I just need my math checked over. Can I go upstairs and play Overwatch?”

She blinked at him. “Yeah, that’s fine I guess.” She and Perry watched as he left the kitchen.

“Weird.”

“What is?”

Perry shrugged, poking apathetically at her dinner. “Everything. Mom. Dad. Jeff. You.”

“Me?”

She nodded. “You’re acting all… I don’t know. Mom-ish. Like you’re trying to be her.” Her voice was flat, but it still came across like an accusation.

Katie pushed back her frustration. “I’m not meaning to… I’m just trying to help. I’m trying to do be Mom while she can’t.”

“What if… what if Mom never goes back to normal?” She raised her head to meet Katie’s stare, and blinked furiously to try and dissipate the tears collecting in her eyes. “What if we never find Tobin?” she whispered.

“We will, Per.” Katie reached across and grabbed her hand. “I know everything is… scary right now. Trust me, I’m scared too. But eventually… we’ll get it all figured out. She’ll come home.”

“But what if she doesn’t?”

Part of Katie wanted once again to snap at her sister, if only for voicing the worry that Katie had been so careful to keep pushed down and silent. “She will,” she insisted through grit teeth.

Perry pushed away her bowl. “I’m not hungry.”

“Perry-”

“I’m done.” Katie could do nothing but watch as left the room, then listen as she took the stairs to at a time.

She looked down at her bowl, and suddenly she wasn’t hungry anymore either. She took all of them into the kitchen, scraping the remnants into the trash and putting everything in the dishwasher. She started towards her room but found herself standing outside the door to the dining room, looking through the crack.

Both police officers were seated facing away from her, but she could see her parents, could see the dried tear marks on her mom’s face, could see how exhausted they both looked.

“Please,” her mom was saying, “you have to believe us.”

“This isn’t like her.” Her dad leaned forward as her repeated the same line that Katie had heard probably a hundred times by now. “She’s a good girl, she wouldn’t run off with some guy.”

“Sir, I understand what you’re saying, but you didn’t even know that she had this boyfriend, correct?”

“She wouldn’t run away!” her mom insisted. “She’s happy, she has friends, she doesn’t drink or do any drugs-”

“That you know of,” the other cop cut in.

“She doesn’t,” she repeated.

“Listen, we’ve filed the missing person report. We have her in the system, but until we can get more information from you, that’s essentially all we can do.”

“We’ve given you everything we have!” Her dad looked angrier than perhaps she’d ever seen him, angrier than when she’d broken curfew, even angrier than when she’d backed over Jeff’s bicycle and then lied about it.

“You’re given us the name Samuel. But you don’t have a last name, and to be honest we don’t even know if that’s his real name. The friend who met him, she gave us a description, but it was just the basics of tall with blue eyes and brown hair.”

“What about her phone records?” he asked. “We signed the paper saying you could access everything, did you find anything on her phone about where he could have taken her?”

The cop leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “We’ve put in the request with your phone company, we’re waiting for them to get back to us.”

Her mom shook her head. “Tobin is a good girl, and she knows how much we love her. She wouldn’t have run away.”

“Ma’am, please, we’re doing everything we can. Like I said, we’ve put her in the system-”

“And how many people are in this system?”

He ducked his head. “In California? Around 20,000.”

She began to cry, and Katie watched as her dad rested his hand on her back. He pointed at the cops. “Put us on TV. Let us do one of those interview things, with newspapers. Let us show her picture and let people know that she’s missing.”

“Sir-”

“She could be hurt! Or scared, or being held against her will! And I want the whole state of California to know and to be looking for her. And if… If you’re right and she did run away… Then I want her to hear us ask her to come home. Please.” With that, he also began to cry.

Katie backed away from the door. She had never seen her dad cry, and she didn’t want to now. She heard a creak on the stairs and turned to see Jeff.

“What’s wrong?”

He held up his book. “I need Mom to check my homework.”

She walked forward, holding out her hand. “I’ll do it.”

He pulled it out of her reach. “No, it has to be Mom or Dad, they have to sign it.”

She sighed grumpily. “Jeff, I can forge Mom’s name, it’s fine.” She took the math book and pointed towards his room, following him up the stairs.

X

They were in a room at the Los Angeles courthouse. Katie had made sure both Perry and Jeff had gotten up early enough to shower and get ready, looking over their clothes. She’d even ironed her parents clothing when she walked into their room to find her mom sitting on the end of their bed, staring blankly ahead. It was almost funny in a way. Katie had always been a bit of a rebel, the first one to back talk or get smart, but here she was, taking care of everyone around her. The world truly had turned upside down.

She was sitting on the very end, next to Perry. Out of the corner of her eye she could see her sister’s hands fidgeting in her lap, picking at her nails until her fingers were red. Katie wanted to reach over and grab them, but felt like she was hypnotized by all of the reporters staring at her. It felt like she couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.

The reporters were talking to each other in low voices, sipping from paper cups and fidgeting with their equipment. It wasn’t until a woman in a suit stood at the podium that they all quieted down and focused their attention. She explained that she was the district attorney for Los Angeles. She said a few more things before turning things over to a cop, one of the detectives who had been at their house the night before.

“Thank you all for coming today. My name is Detective Mark Parsons, and I head the LAPD’s Missing Persons Department. We’ve asked you all here today in the hope that the public can help us locate a missing young girl.” He pressed a button on a remote in his hand, and a picture of Tobin came up on the screen beside him. Katie’s eyes filled with tears as she looked at her little sister, a close lipped smile just barely containing her braces. She was wearing the blue and white shirt that she’d gotten hand me down from Perry, the one she wore basically anytime she wasn’t in her school uniform. She looked so happy, and so incredibly young and innocent. Katie didn’t think there was probably anyone in the world who would look at that picture and think she was hiding something so big.

“Thirteen year old Tobin Powel Heath was last seen by a classmate on Friday, February 10, 2017. She was in a car with her boyfriend, an individual we have so far been unable to identify past the name Samuel, although this could be an alias. At this time we would like to invite her parents, Jeff and Cindy Heath, up to speak.” He stepped aside and Katie watched as her parents stood up, her mom already fighting tears. Perry’s thumbnail was bleeding now, and Katie reached out and grabbed her hand tightly, pulling it into her own lap.

Her dad cleared his throat. “Our daughter Tobin is thirteen, and an eighth grader at Griffith Academy. She… she’s a great kid. She plays soccer, both for her school and a youth league. She’s active in our church, and regularly volunteers with them.”

“Please, if you have any information, please call the hotline on the screen,” her mom pleaded. “She’s our little girl, and we just want her safe at home with us. We’ll do anything, Anything!” Her mom sniffed back her tears. “And Toby… Honey if you see this, please call us. Just, just let us know that you’re okay. We love you and we miss you. We aren’t mad, we just want you home with us. Please.”

Her dad wrapped an arm around his now crying wife. “Please. If you see her, please call. We just want out daughter back. She’s only thirteen, and we love her so much. Please.”

Katie didn’t even realize how tightly she was gripping Perry’s hand until the girl winced and pulled it away. She just kept replaying Friday morning in her mind, trying to remember if Tobin had seemed any different, if she had been upset or seemed like she was hiding anything. She wondered if there was something she had missed, something she could have done to make sure that her little sister didn’t vanish before their very eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I can be found on tumblr @thetheatrelady


	8. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin struggles with being home, plagued by thoughts hat they were better off without her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovesssss

It was still a shock to wake up in her childhood bedroom. Every morning, her eyes would flutter open and it would take several moments for her to recognize the turquoise paint on the walls, the way the nightlight created shadows with the trophies and medals she had earned in junior high and middle school. The bed always felt a little too empty, her skin still imprinted with the memory of Samuel’s arm over her.

But then she would blink a few times, and it would all come flooding back.

The store. The police station. Her parents.

They had placed her in a small room after her medical check up, one with pale blue walls and soothing pictures of sunsets and the ocean. She had assumed this was the room they put aside for giving people bad news, some sort of grief room. She sat with a police officer, one she didn’t know, and waited in silence.

When the door opened and her parents came inside, her mom was already crying. For a long moment Tobin had sat frozen at the table, still not sure that it wasn’t a dream, but as soon as her mom said her name she was on her feet, throwing herself into her arms, breathing her scent in.

She’d felt a sense of relief, like finally everything would be okay.

What an idiot she’d been.

Now she was home, and everything was both terrifyingly different and frustratingly the same.

Her parents were divorced. When they had told her, she’d initially laughed, convinced that they were playing some strange practical joke. But after dinner that night, her dad had given her a hug and left, going back to the apartment where he lived alone.

Katie and Perry had come back from college for her homecoming, but after a few days had been forced to return to their classes. Jeff was… not the sweet kid she remembered him being, to say the least. Sure he’s hugged her when she got home, but generally was surly and sarcastic, making inappropriate cracks at the worst of times.

Christen was… God. She had grown up to be more beautiful than Tobin ever could have imagined. She was still so smart and kind and funny, all the traits that had made them friends when they were kids, but she had grown into herself over the past four years.

They all seemed so happy to have her home.

Except when they didn’t.

She couldn’t shake the feeling that, no matter how many times they told her otherwise, they were mad at her. She knew they had questions, even if Christen was the only person who’d dared to ask them.

_Where have you been?_

_Who were you with?_

And most importantly:

_Why didn’t you come home?_

Even if no one in her family had voiced them yet, she could feel them in the air, staining the walls of the house. It was in the way her brother barely looked at her, the way her dad awkwardly hugged her before leaving, the way her mom’s head snapped up anytime she stood up, as if she was afraid that Tobin was leaving again.

Not that Tobin blamed her.

Sometimes when she stood up, she also wondered if she should leave.

It was just so strange, trying to slip back into her life when she was no longer the innocent, naïve thirteen year old that everyone had loved. She might as well be a completely different person now.

The police had been asking questions too, ones she didn’t want to answer. They wanted Samuel’s full name, the address of where she’d been, lots and lots of details that she would rather forget. They didn’t understand. No one did.

Tobin loved him. She loved Samuel more than life itself. They were going to get married someday. At least, that had been the plan before Tobin came back. What if Samuel didn’t want her anymore? What if he had moved on?

Every night was spent tossing and turning, her mind full and her stomach queasy. She didn’t tell anyone that she wasn’t sleeping, but her mom must have known, must have noticed the growing bags under her eyes, because a few weeks after she got home, Tobin found herself in the waiting room of a Los Angeles therapist.

She was ushered into the office, across from a smiling woman that introduced herself as Laura. She told Tobin that anything they discussed would be strictly confidential, that she wouldn’t tell the police anything that wasn’t a threat to Tobin’s life or someone else’s. She told her that this was a safe space, somewhere for Tobin to talk about anything on her mind.

She mainly didn’t say anything, instead closing her eyes and leaning back in her chair.

During their second session, she heard Laura shift in her seat. “Are you tired?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you not sleeping well?”

Tobin shrugged, opening her eyes. “Hard to fall asleep. My head is too loud and the bed is too cold.”

Laura tilted her head to one side. “Too cold?”

She let out a slow breath, already feeling like she said too much. “Yeah. Like… I’m used to sleeping next to someone. So being alone is weird. I don’t like it.”

“Someone?”

“Samuel.”

“Never anyone else?”

Tobin stared at the rug, her eyes tracing the patterns. “He’s my boyfriend.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Laura making a note on her pad.

“Still?” Tobin shrugged.

“Can you tell me a really good memory that you have of Samuel?”

“I don’t know. Um…” A smile made its way to Tobin’s lips against her will. “We once went hiking in the Grand Canyon.”

“Really? Tell me about it.”

Tobin sighed. “I mean, we just… I mean we drove the three hours there, then hiked for most of the day. It was just so quiet and beautiful. And it was nice to be active again.”

“You like being active?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Hiking, swimming, soccer, tennis. I like it all.”

“Did you and Samuel ever play any sports together?”

Tobin shook her head. “He… Samuel doesn’t really like sports. I mean, he played football, he could have played collegiately. And he likes to watch sports. But… no. He didn’t want me to work out too much.”

“Why not?”

Tobin squirmed. “He… He said that muscular girls aren’t attractive. That it was fine to work out to stay thin but any more and I would…”

“You would…”

She ducked her head. “Nothing,” she mumbled.

“This is a safe space,” Laura reminded her.

“He said that only lesbians want to be super muscled.”

Laura made another note. “Is that the word he used?” She shook her head. “I see. And how did that make you feel?”

Tobin merely shut her eyes and leaned back in her chair, staying that way until the end of their session.

X

She couldn’t face another night of lying awake, staring at the ceiling. An hour after the house had fallen into silence, she got out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweat pants and sneakers. She eased down the stairs and across the living room, putting in the alarm code and slipping out the door. She tried to ignore the way the actions reminded her of times when Samuel had been angry and she had been forced to creep around their house, doing anything she could to avoid provoking him. She stubbornly pushed the memories away and set off down the street.

They lived in a very nice neighborhood, full of large homes with pristine landscaping. She couldn’t explain it, but it felt… too quiet here. Even though she and Samuel had moved a few times, they had always lived on busy streets near city life. Even in the dead of night, you could always hear traffic whizzing past, cop cars in the distance, and music from neighboring houses. Not here. Her family’s neighborhood was quiet like a graveyard. She shivered at the thought.

She supposed that really, this was her neighborhood too. This was her home. That’s what everyone kept telling her, that she was finally home, that she was safe, that she didn’t need to be afraid of Samuel anymore. Why didn’t they realize that she wasn’t afraid of him? Not really.

This wasn’t home, but she wasn’t sure that Arizona was either. She wasn’t sure that she had a home. She shook her head; she didn’t want to think about that either.

Her mind randomly wandered to her friend Lauren. Her boyfriend had been in business with Samuel, so they’d hung out quite a bit. She’d been the older sister figure that Tobin had so desperately needed, and she missed her.

Of course, thinking about Lauren made her think about the night that she and Jrue had gotten in a huge fight and he’d come over to their house to blow off steam.

_Tobin was standing in the doorway to the living room, watching the two of them. She had been in bed when Jrue had gotten there, the pot she and Samuel had smoked earlier in the evening nearly lulling her to sleep, and she wasn’t sure that either knew she was awake._

_Samuel shook his head before taking a long pull from his beer. “I’m telling you dude. Lauren is hot, but she’s too much trouble.”_

_Jrue shook his head, not looking away from the screen where he was playing Madden. “I just don’t understand why she has to make everything such a big fucking deal, y’know?”_

_“It’s because you’re stupid.” Jrue shot him a dirty look, but Samuel just smiled. “Listen, you wanna know the secret to happiness? I’ll tell you. Stay away from the bossy ass, independent, naggy bitches you always go for. Find yourself a girl who thinks you hung the goddamn moon.”_

_Jrue scoffed and mumbled something under his breath that Tobin couldn’t quite hear, but it made Samuel laugh._

_“Yeah, she’s young, but that’s not it. Nah, you gotta find a girl who hates herself, one so desperate for love or attention or protection that she’ll never leave.” He turned and looked straight at Tobin. “Isn’t that right, baby?”_

_Tears sprang up in her eyes. She didn’t hate herself, why would Samuel say that? He held out a hand and she slowly walked forward and let him tug her into his lap. He pressed a kiss just below her ear. “You’ll never leave me because you know that we’re meant to be together. You know that no one will ever love you like I do.” He chuckled slightly, glancing at Jrue then back at her. “Well, that and you know that I would kill you if you ever left, but that’s not very romantic, is it?” He kissed her again, this time letting his tongue flicker out to taste the skin of her neck. "You know I love you, baby."_

_“I love you too,” she replied in a hoarse whisper, her feelings still hurt._

_“C’mon, I wasn’t actually talking about you! I just mean that’s the kind of girl Jrue needs. Because I want him to find someone who makes him as happy as you make me. Because I love you more than anything. You're my angel.” She looked deep into his eyes and saw nothing but love reflected there. She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and nodded, silently letting him know that all was forgiven._

_He stood up from the couch, pulling her to her feet and began to walk her backwards to their bedroom. “Listen Jrue. Break up with your bitch, or go buy her flowers and apologize, I don’t care. Just lock the door behind you when you go.” He kicked the door closed behind them, and Jrue was quickly the last thing on Tobin’s mind._

She had made a complete loop around the neighborhood, but as she approached the house she could see almost every downstairs light on. “Shit,” she whispered under her breath. She hurried through the front door, and within seconds her mother was in the entryway, phone at her ear.

“-never mind. Yes, she’s here. I’m sorry to have- yes. Yes, of course. Goodbye.” She hung up and pulled Tobin into a crushing hug. “Where were you?” she demanded.

“I just… I just needed to clear my head, I couldn’t sleep-”

“Do you even know what went through my mind when I realized you weren’t in your bed?”

“It was only for a few minutes-”

“It only takes a few minutes, you know that!” As was so common lately, her mom began to cry, making Tobin some feel both equally guilty and irritable.

“I just wanted to take a walk!”

“Then you should have woken me up! I would have gone with you!”

“No, I needed to be alone!” Her mom flinched backwards, and Tobin regretted snapping. “I just… I couldn’t sleep and I wanted some exercise and I didn’t want to both anyone. I’m sorry.”

Her mom grabbed her by the shoulders. “Tobin you have to promise me that you won’t make a habit of this. Please. If we lose you again…” She squeezed her eyes shut, giving her head a slow shake. “Promise. Swear to me!”

“Okay! Okay.”

She released her, taking an almost cautious step back.

“You know, you should just microchip us the way vets do dogs. That way if we get out of the yard you can track us.” Tobin turned to see Jeff on stairs, his eyes dull and his arms crossed.

“Jeff…” their mom huffed, clearly not in the mood.

“What? I mean, it’s not like you’re ever planning on letting us leave or anything.”

“Go to bed. Both of you.” Tobin started for the stairs. “And I’m going to change the alarm code. That way when it’s on, it’s on.” She turned to see her mom had her arms folded across her chest. “I’m serious. No sneaking out.”

“I wasn’t-”

“No late night wanderings!”

Tobin could only sigh and nod before following Jeff upstairs. She got back in bed, and arranged pillows along her back, trying to trick her brain into believing that she wasn’t sleeping alone. She silently resaid her prayers, then squeezed her eyes shut, wanting the day to be done already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's cry together on tumblr @thetheatrelady


	9. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thirteen year old Tobin wakes up in an unfamiliar room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you all enjoy, and a few of your questions get answered

Tobin’s head was pounding. It felt like someone had placed a thousand rubber bands around it, and they were all squeezing, pressing in until it felt like it would explode. She forced her eyes open and immediately snapped them shut, regretting it. Everything was spinning and now she was very much aware of the fact that her stomach was churning violently. What was wrong with her? Did she have some sort of weird flu? Hopefully her mom wouldn’t make her go to school. She felt like death.

“Mom?” she mumbled. There was no answer, her mom must be downstairs. She sucked in a deeper breath. “Mom!” She pushed her face further into her pillow, seeking out the familiar and comforting scent of laundry detergent.

Except…

This pillow didn’t smell like the laundry detergent her mom used. It didn’t smell familiar at all.

She forced her eyes back open and made herself sit up. She was in an unfamiliar room. The walls were covered in old fashioned wood paneling. There was only one window, high on the wall with yellowish curtains covering it. Tobin was in a big bed with no headboard. Across from her, between two doors was an old dresser.

She was confused to say the least. Where was she? Why did she feel so bad?

The door opened and Samuel came in. Tobin felt a momentary swoop of excitement, that warm feeling in your chest when you see the person you’re dating. And just like that, a few memories started flooding back. Telling her mom that she was going to Christen’s, asking her best friend to lie for her, having Samuel pick her up in front of the soccer fields. They’d gone to his apartment and he’d ordered a pizza. They’d eaten several slices a piece and then had messed around a bit. And afterwards, he had brought her a soda and they had cuddled in his bed, watching a movie. And then… then it all went black.

He leaned against the doorway, crossing his arms and giving her a charming grin. “Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

“Where…” Her mouth was so dry, it made it hard to speak. She swallowed, trying again. “Where are we? This, this isn’t…” She glanced around at the bedroom, the complete opposite of the beautiful apartment she last remembered being in.

“Ah. Yeah, you fell asleep before I could tell you about my big surprise.”

“Surprise?” Tobin repeated.

“Yeah.” He spread his arms as if presenting her with something dazzling. “Surprise. We took a trip.”

She tried to shake her head, but had to stop when the motion made her stomach threaten to revolt. “I… no. I can’t, I have, I have school on Monday. And, and my mom expects me back today, I… I’m supposed to help her weed the garden!”

“Shh…” He walked forward and sat next to her on the bed, taking her hands. “Everything is fine, baby. I promise.”

“But my mom!”

He put a finger against her lips. “Tobin. Don’t you trust me?”

She looked into his blue eyes. “Yes. I trust you.”

He stroked his knuckles along her cheekbone. “Do you promise?”

She nodded. Of course she trusted him. This was Samuel, her boyfriend. She had prayed to God for him, and here he was. He loved her. He would take care of her. “I promise.”

His eyes twinkled. “Good.”

“Where are we?”

He stood up from the bed. “Arizona!”

She felt her eyes bug out. Arizona? She wasn’t even supposed to leave her neighborhood without telling her parents, never mind leaving the state. She was going to be in so much trouble. She felt him put a finger under her chin, tilting her face upwards. “Hey. You promised.”

“I, I know. Sorry.” She pushed back the blankets and started to stand up but froze when she realized she was wearing an oversized green tee shirt, not her school uniform. “What…”

“Oh! I thought you would be more comfortable in that then your clothes. Sorry, I didn’t have any pajamas for you to wear.” He pushed her hair back. “But now that you’re here… we can get you all kinds of stuff. Pretty clothes and shoes and jewelry. You’re going to look gorgeous.”

He kissed her cheek and she finished getting out of bed, following him out of the room. The house was small and kind of messy, but Samuel was smiling as if he was presenting her with a palace. “This is for us, baby. This is where it all starts.”

“Where what all starts?” Tobin asked.

He didn’t answer her question. “Are you hungry?”

Her stomach gave a lurch and she shook her head. “My tummy kind of hurts.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, baby.” He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a can of beer from the fridge. He cracked it open and she watched, nervously. He pointed at it questioningly and she quickly shook her head. Her parents weren’t big drinkers. Her dad would drink beer if he was fishing or something, and her mom sometimes had a glass of wine or margaritas when she went out with her aunts, but they never kept alcohol in the house. He sat on the couch and motioned for her to sit with him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss into her hair.

“I’m so happy you’re here with me, Tobin. We’re going to be so happy together. Just you wait.”

She leaned into him, taking a deep breath. She could wait. If Samuel wanted this from her, then that’s what she would do.

X

She didn’t bring it up again until that night, after they had consumed a dinner of take out burritos. “Samuel?”

“Yeah baby?”

“I really think I should call my parents. I don’t want them to be worried.”

He shot her a quick smile. “Don’t worry about it, Tobin. I already called and talked to your mom.”

“You… you did?”

“Yeah. She knows, and everything is fine.”

She nodded, even if her stomach was still kind of knotted up. Something felt off, really off, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. “You called my mom?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“But… how?”

He smiled. “By using your phone.”

“But my phone is locked.”

He laughed and pulled her in closer. “Baby, 1717 wasn’t exactly hard to crack. Stop worrying about everything! I told you it was all fine.”

“Okay.” She started to relax back into the couch cushions, but then sat back up. “Wait, where is my phone? I need to text Chris, we were supposed to go rollerblading today, I don’t want her to be mad at me-”

He reached out, stroking her hair. “Baby calm down,” he laughed. “You have got to learn to chill out.”

“Where’s my phone?”

He gave her an apologetic look. “Yeah, about that… I accidentally dropped it as I was bringing you out to the car. My hands were full and it slipped… I’m sorry, baby.”

“Oh.”

“But we’ll get you a new one! One of the new iPhones, okay?”

“Wait really?”

“Of course,” he pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Nothing but the best for my baby. Anything you want, you’ve got it.”

“You don’t have to,” she replied shyly. She was third out of four kids, she was used to getting her sisters’ hand me downs, to only receiving the dregs of her parents’ attention. She didn’t need flashy gifts from Samuel.

“Baby.” He tilted her face upwards. “You are the most important thing in my life. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. Anything you want, just say the word. A new phone? You got it. Clothes? They’re yours. I just want you to realize how so very special you are to me.” He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her lips. “Okay?”

She found herself nodding once more. “Okay.”

X

A few days later, Tobin found herself exiting what felt like the thousandth clothing store. They had already purchased her basics, tank tops and shorts, a few skirts and a pair of jeans. Samuel had even insisted that she get a fancy party dress, one with swoops of shiny navy blue fabric that hugged her body, emphasizing the very little curves that she had. It was strapless and had white lacy appliques at the waist. It was the kind of dress that Katie and Perry would had squealed over, making Tobin roll her eyes, but when she came out of the dressing room wearing it, Samuel had looked at her like she was nothing short of beautiful. He insisted that they had to buy it, so she would have something nice to wear when he took her out.

At that same department store, he had taken her through the makeup department, having the salesgirls pick out the things she needed and as she shyly watched. She wasn’ really allowed to wear makeup yet, it all felt foreign and slightly dangerous, but in an exciting way. She tried to listen diligently as they gave her instructions on what order to apply all cosmetics, as well as how to transition from day to night.

From there they had proceeded to shoes, Samuel picking out delicate, strappy things that Tobin felt clumsy in, but once again he insisted they looked perfect. She got a pair of slides and a few sneakers, and Samuel hadn’t said anything, although she could tell from the look on his face that the choice bemused him.

The last department had been lingerie, and Tobin was certain she had never blushed so hard as when she’d picked out several pairs of underwear for herself, feeling Samuel’s eyes on her as her fingers stroked over the lace and silk, finding nothing like the avocado print cotton bikini cuts that she’d gotten in her stocking a few months prior. She grabbed a pack of sports bras as well as a plain nude bra. Samuel came up behind her and leaned down, his breath tickling her ear.

“What about something like this, hm?” He nudged her towards a lacy turquoise set, and she flushed even redder.

“Oh I don’t- I don’t think my mom would be okay with me wearing something like that,” she tried to explain with a nervous laugh and he smiled.

“I mean, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right?” He straightened up, stepping slightly back. “But if you don’t want them…”

His voice sounded oddly cold, and she shook her head, putting them in their cart. “It’s pretty.”

“Not as pretty as you,” he had assured her.

But now they had everything Tobin thought she could possibly need for the few days until she went home, way too much in fact. But whenever she had tried to protest, Samuel had simply taken her hand. “Baby, it’s my money to spend. And you deserve to be treated like a queen. My queen.”

The day full of shopping had left her feeling ravenous, and Samuel said he knew of a great sports bar with loaded fries that were to die for. After locking all of her new stuff in the back, he took her hand and they walked into the restaurant. He told the hostess they needed a table for two and followed her further down the carpeted ramp. She directed them to a booth and said the waiter would be with them shortly.

Tobin immediately dropped into the side up against the wall, picking up the menu. She didn’t even notice that Samuel hadn’t sat down, she was anxious to hurry and order food.

“I think I’m going to get the fries you were talking about, they sound-”

“We need to go.”

She lifted her head, confused. Samuel was still standing, his eyes fixed on the television fixed to the wall above her. “What? Why?”

“I don’t want to eat here anymore, let’s go.” He gestured for her to get up, and she craned around, trying to see what he was watching on TV. She caught no more than a glimpse of a woman speaking behind a podium before Samuel’s hand was closing around her forearm, pulling her from the seat.

“Hey!” she protested, but he quickly wrapped an arm around her shoulder and quickly began walking her from the restaurant, all the while holding her close, almost too close. It wasn’t until they were in his car that, he finally looked at her head on.

“Sorry, sorry…”

“I don’t… what’s going on?”

“I just…” He stared out the front windshield for a moment, his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles turned white. Finally, he turned to look at her.

“I’m sorry, baby. I just… Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed if I’m in public. It just gets to be too much, too loud. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you.”

“I’m sorry,” Tobin whispered, and he reached out and took her hand.

“Don’t apologize, baby. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re perfect, and I mean that. I’m just… I’m so fucked up. I’ve seen so many things, horrible things…”

“Like… in a war?” she asked, trying to understanding.

A certain light seemed to go on in his eyes. “Yeah, baby. I was… in the army. And I did my time and I’m back home, but…” He took a breath. “Sometimes it’s all still there, y’know?”

She nodded. “What can I do?”

He smiled and cupped her face in his hands. “You? You just keep being my sweet angel, alright? Don’t you worry about a thing, I’ll be fine. But when we’re in public and I tell you we need to go, I need you to listen, no questions asked, okay?”

She nodded and he pulled her into a tight hug across the console. “Thank you. Thank you baby, I… I love you.” He pulled back so he could stare into her eyes. “I love you, Tobin.”

She smiled, her skin feeling tingly. _Everything would be alright, as long as they were together._ “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come chat w meeeeee on tumblr @thetheatrelady


	10. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's sisters come home for Thanksgiving, and they all learn something new about each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> So sorry for the delay. As I've said on tumblr and on the AN for Eden, I've been busy with the holidays and some family medical issues. But I'm hoping to get back to it, even as I go about packing up our apartment to move haha.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think!

She was excited for Thanksgiving, if only because it meant that her sisters would be coming home from college. Not that she resented them going back to school; it would be pretty hypocritical to begrudge anyone leaving after she had been gone for nearly four years. But she missed Katie and Perry, and hoped that their return would also mean the return of some sense of normalcy as well. The six members of her family would come back together, and maybe if Tobin pretended hard enough, she could forget all the way that things were wrong now.

Of course, family holidays are very seldom without some drama.

She had overslept, the newly prescribed sleeping pills causing her to snooze her alarm over and over again. When she finally dragged herself from bed, she could already hear the mumble of voices coming up the stairs, signaling that her sisters had arrived. She made her way downstairs, not bothering to get dressed, excited to see her sisters.

Instead, as she came into the living room she was met with the back of a tall man with familiar brown hair. Her breath caught hard in her chest. _Samuel?_ Had he come for her? Was he taking her back to Arizona? Had her parents already grown tired of her?

She forced herself to listen past the growing ringing in her ears.

“…told you like four months ago,” Katie said, crossing her arms.

“Things have changed, Katie!” Her dad looked angry, his face pinched.

“We just thought that, all things considered, you might have rethought-”

Her dad cut her mom off. “Your sister just got home. And you really think this is the time to come parading your boyfriend around?”

“Not that it’s not lovely to meet you,” Cindy said, shooting a smile at the man who still had his back to Tobin. In doing so, she caught glance of Tobin at the foot of the stairs. “Toby! How did you sleep?”

They all turned to look at her, and she could see now that it wasn’t Samuel. Brown eyes, a rounder face… it wasn’t even close.

“Uh…”

Katie stepped forward. “Hey!” She wrapped her arms around Tobin in a tight hug. “Thought you were gonna sleep all day.”

“Yeah… Yeah, sorry.” Tobin crossed her arms, suddenly very aware of the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra under her thin sleep shirt.

“I’m just teasing. Tobes, this is my boyfriend, Todd. Todd, this is my little sister Tobin.”

He gave a wide grin and a wave. “Hey! Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too. I’m gonna… go get changed.” She backed up a few steps, then darted up the stairs.

As she got to the door to her room, the bathroom door opened and Perry stepped out. “Oh, hi.”

“Hey.” Tobin allowed herself to be pulled into another a hug. “When did you get in?”

“Mm twenty minutes ago? Long enough to get to see the looks on Mom and Dad’s faces when Katie rolled in with her boyfriend,” she laughed.

“Yeah, Dad’s super mad.”

She shrugged. “He’ll get over it.”

Tobin cleared her throat. “How was the drive?”

“Not bad! Didn’t even hit that much traffic.”

“Nice. Well I need to..” she gestured towards her room.

“Right. See you downstairs in a few minutes.”

She shut her door behind her, and leaned her forehead against the wood. She felt stupid for thinking that Samuel had come for her. _He’s probably already forgotten about you,_ a nasty voice whispered from the back of her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut. _No, he loves me,_ she bit back. She forced herself to straighten up, to go through the motions of getting dressed, of putting on a little make up and brushing her hair. _He loves me._

X

As they sat down to lunch, Todd gave Tobin another wide smile. “So! Kate says you like soccer.”

She blinked back at him. “Um… yeah. I do.”

“That’s great! I’ve never actually played, myself. I come from a little town in Texas, so we only had football and basketball. But I’ve gone to a few of the women’s matches on campus with Kate, and it was a lot of fun!”

“Yeah.”

“Gotta say though, no timeouts? Running back and forth across that giant field? I could never. It’s a whole other level of athleticism.”

Tobin nodded. “It takes a lot of conditioning.”

“No kidding.”

Cindy leaned forward slightly. “Perry, you’ve barely touched your food.”

She gave a tight smile. “Well I ate before I left, so I’m not really hungry.”

“Still…” she trailed off.

“I’ll eat more at dinner.”

“Perry.” Big Jeff placed his silverware down. “We expect you to eat while you’re home.”

Tobin watched as her sister seemed to wrestle not to say something shitty. “And I will. But like I told you, I just ate a few hours ago.”

“Okay,” their mother said gently. “It’s fine.”

“So Jeff, how’s golf going?” Katie asked.

He shrugged. “It’s golf. I’ve been working on my short game a lot.”

“Nice. Y’know, Todd grew up golfing with his family. Maybe the two of you can go out while we’re here.”

“That’d be great!” Todd enthused. “I can’t remember the last time I was out on the green."

“Sure,” Jeff responded, not looking up from his plate.

Tobin watched Todd give Katie a big grin, a small smile making its way to her face. There was something so earnest about him, as if he was determined to like their family, and have them like him, current circumstances be damned. He seemed like an alright guy, Tobin reasoned, and if he could get through this hellish holiday, she could see him maybe sticking around for a long time.

After lunch, Cindy announced she needed some things from the store, and sent all three girls off with the list and her debit card.

Katie pushed the cart slowly along the aisle, the three of them dodging the hordes of other last minute shoppers.

“I need toothpaste,” Tobin said.

“Okay,” Katie replied, marking it at the bottom of the list.

“Oh, and tampons,” Perry added.

“Alright.” Katie turned the cart in that direction, stopping in front of the wall of pastel pink boxes. “Tobes? Tampons or pads?”

“Um... neither.”

“Oh. Mom already got you some?”

Tobin shook her head, her messy bun threatening to fall out completely. “No. I don’t get periods.”

“What? How?!” Perry asked, outraged.

“I have the... the you know. The thing.”

“The thing?”

Tobin’s stomach began that special ache, the one that told her that she’d said too much. “An IUD.”

Katie and Perry both froze, staring at Tobin with wide eyes.

“An IUD?” Katie asked breathlessly. She nodded slowly, even as her face held nothing but shock. “That’s... fun.” She slowly turned to Perry, who had just opened her mouth to open a quesion. “Get your tampons, Per.”

“An I-“

Katie pinched her on the arm. “Tampons. In the cart. Now,” she gritted out with a significant look.

The nineteen year old flinched away and grabbed a box of Tampax, tossing them into the cart.

Katie gave Tobin a falsely bright smile. “Now! Toothpaste.” She steered the cart forward, leaving no room for argument.

X

Another issue with Katie bringing Todd home was the sleeping situation. When she had first mentioned he would be coming, no one had heard from Tobin in years and they had no reason to think that she would be back home. But now that she was, every bed was being slept in.

At first, Katie had off handedly suggested that they could just share her bed, which was met with a look from both of her parents. Then there was discussion of Todd taking Jeff’s bed, and Jeff taking the couch, which led to Jeff complaining loudly about how being the youngest meant he had no say in anything and how it wasn’t fair that he should be kicked out of his own bed.

Finally, Cindy had put her hand on Tobin’s shoulder. “What if Toby bunked with me? Then Todd can sleep in her room. That is… if that’s okay with you, honey.”

She shrugged. “Yeah. That’s fine.”

She didn’t really think about it again until that night, when everyone decided to turn in. She brushed her teeth and went to her mom’s room, finding her reading in bed.

“Hey,” she said, spotting her hovering in the doorway. “Come on in.” She patted the other side of the mattress and Tobin hesitantly did as she was told.

It was strange, being in her parents’ bedroom. Especially since it was just her mom’s now. Her dad’s cologne was no longer on the dresser, or the old mason jar where he had always emptied out his change. It smelled almost the same, the same laundry detergent, her mother’s perfume, her favorite candle from Bath & Body Works, but something was missing. Her dad was missing.

She wondered if Samuel felt the same way about the bedroom they had shared, if he missed the smell of her the way she missed the smell of him.

“Ready for bed?” her mom asked.

“Uh, yeah.” She got under the covers as her mom put aside her book and her glasses, switching off he lamp. They both slid down, arranging their pillows before settling to stare into the darkness.

“Did you take your medicine?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think it’s been working?”

Tobin shrugged even though she couldn’t see her. “I guess? She said it could take some time before I see real change.”

“Oh. Okay.” Tobin shut her eyes, trying to coax her body into relaxing towards sleep. “Toby?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I… Can I hold you?” She barely whispered the question, as if worried what Tobin’s reaction would be.

“I… Yeah. That’s fine.” She scooted closer and let her mom pull her in and wrap her arms around her. Her hand stroked up and down her back, a familiar sensation that reminded Tobin of being a very little girl.

Cindy buried her nose in Tobin’s hair. “I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you.”

“Yeah?”

“I… There had been this horrible stomach flu going around. And Katie got it, then Perry, then your dad. And I was taking care of everyone, but trying so hard to make sure I didn’t get it. And by some miracle it seemed like I did. We’d been stomach flu free for nearly a week when suddenly I woke up sicker than a dog. And I thought, oh gosh here we go. But then it just hung around. And by the afternoon I would feel fine! Finally went to the doctor, and voila, I was pregnant.” She pressed a kiss to the top of Tobin’s head, then chuckled. “Everyone told me that I must be having a boy, and that’s why I was so sick. Your Nana Heath was emphatic about it, wouldn’t hear a word to the contrary. So we picked out your name, Tobin Powell Heath. And then seven months later, here came our precious little baby girl. And at first, your Dad said we should go with the girl name we had picked, Maddie Grace. But the more I held you, and you looked up at me with your solemn eyes, I knew you were Tobin. No other name would do.”

Tobin leaned in further to her mom. She’d heard this story before, but this time felt magical, as if her mom was really trying to tell her something else, something she couldn’t find the words for.

“I love you, Tobin Powell Heath. To the moon and back.”

“I love you, too.” She bit at her lip. “Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“What’s wrong with Perry?”

She gave a half sigh. “Oh, nothing. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Mom. Tell me. Please?”

“Well… Perry had some trouble, her last few years of high school. She stopped eating as much, and was exercising a lot. She even um… was using laxatives, to get rid of the little she did eat. She got so frightfully thin.”

“She was anorexic?”

“Yes.”

Tobin pondered this realization. “But… Perry has always been skinny.”

“I don’t think it was truly about the weight. I think it was about finding control, control over her life when she felt like she didn’t have any.”

Tobin’s stomach felt heavy. “Because of me?”

“No! No honey. Because… well, because of what happened, I guess. But also because your dad and I had just gotten the divorce, and Katie had gone to college, and Perry was getting ready to graduate as well. It was a whole storm of things.”

Tobin swallowed thickly. Her mom could say whatever she wanted, but it was Tobin’s fault. If she hadn’t gone with Samuel, then her parents wouldn’t have gotten a divorce, and Perry wouldn’t have had an eating disorder. Those things were on her, she had to bear that.

“Is she better now?”

“She is. We found a doctor for her to go to, a clinic. And she’s still going to a therapist, just in case. I really think she’s recovered, I shouldn’t have,” she sighed, “I shouldn’t have said anything at lunch. I didn’t mean to make it a thing.”

Tobin squeezed the arm resting around her stomach. “You’re a good mom. We’re lucky to have you. Really.”

Her mom was silent for a moment, before responding with a slightly choked, “Thank you, sweetheart.” She kissed her head again. “Time for sleep, okay?”

Tobin nodded and closed her eyes. She felt her body slowly relax into the mattress, the calming weight and warmth of her mom against her, and drifted off to sleep.


	11. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin gets her period for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still here!

Samuel had a couple of people over to watch the game, but Tobin wasn’t feeling well. Her back hurt and her stomach hurt, everything just felt blah. She was worried that she had somehow come down with some sort of flu, so she finally just went into her and Samuel’s room and laid down to take a nap.

She was woken up thirty minutes later when the pain in her stomach intensified. She sat up in bed and realized that the sheets beneath her were wet. Her cheeks immediately went hot as dizzying mortification washed over. She had wet the bed. How in the world would she tell Samuel about this?

She threw back the blankets. Maybe she could strip the bed before her noticed and wash them in the bathtub. No one needed to know about this, she could fix it. But then she looked down and saw that she was surrounded by blood.

For a brief moment she thought she had been stabbed. But then her brain kicked into gear and she realized she must have started her period for the first time.

Oh god. What should she do? She needed to get this cleaned up before he saw it and-

She was broken out of her thoughts by a soft knock on the door. She grabbed the blankets and jerked them up towards her chin, hiding herself from view as the door cracked open

Jrue’s girlfriend Lauren peaked her head in. “Hey, you feeling okay?”

“I, um, yeah, it’s fine, I’m-” But then to Tobin’s horror she burst into tears.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry!” Lauren slipped into the room, shutting the door behind her. “What’s wrong?”

“N- n- nothing!”

“It’s okay, you can talk to me.” Lauren tried to sit on the bed but Tobin threw out a hand.

“Don’t! I didn’t- I didn’t know and so now it’s everywhere, and I don’t want him to see!”

Lauren pried the blankets from Tobin’s fists and pulled them back, a look of understanding coming to her face when she saw the red stain. ”Oh, thank god! I thought you were like, dying!” she said with a little laugh. “It’s just your period, Tobin. It happens every month, you’re bound to make a mess every now and then.”

“But I- I don’t- I haven’t-”

Lauren tilted her head to the side. “Is this… your first?”

Tobin nodded, more hot tears coursing down her cheeks.

“Oh wow. Um, okay.” Lauren gave her a nervous smile. “it’s still okay! I have some… things, in my bag that you can use.” She paused for a second. “Wait, how old are you exactly?”

Tobin froze. While Samuel had never told her expressly that she shouldn’t tell people her age, it wasn’t something they exactly shouted to people. “Just… a little younger than you, I guess,” she mumbled.

Lauren raised an eyebrow. “If you’re just now getting your period, I think you’re probably a lot younger than me.”

“I’m a late bloomer. My, my sisters were the same way.”

“How late is late?”

“Fourteen,” Tobin finally grumbled.

Lauren practically jumped from the bed. “Wait what? I knew you were young, but I didn’t think… fourteen? What, where are your parents?”

Tobin looked resolutely away. “They didn’t want me. And Samuel loves me.”

“Still, fourteen is so young…”

“How old are you?” Tobin asked.

“Eighteen.”

“Oh.”

Lauren was giving her a weird look. “Your parents don’t want you?”

“They… it’s a long story, I don’t want to talk about it. And I still have to do something about…” She glanced down at her blanket covered bottom half.

“Right. Let’s get you cleaned up, then I’ll give you the low down on periods and stuff.”

Tobin couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “I know what a period is. I just didn’t… know it was coming today.”

“Okay. Well I can tell you about like, cramps management, and the one thing every woman gets great at.”

“What’s that?”

“How to get blood out of your underwear.”

X

Lauren was true to her word, getting Tobin a couple pads and doing her best to help her get everything cleaned up. Once it was all in the washing machine, Lauren grabbed her purse from by the sofa.

“Where are you going?” Jrue asked.

“Tobin and I are gonna go to the store. Do we need more beer?”

He laughed. “Can never have too much beer.”

“Why are you going to the store?” Samuel asked with a frown. A quick glance at the TV told Tobin that the Cardinals were losing. When the Cardinals lost, everyone around Samuel usually did too.

Lauren threw an arm around Tobin’s shoulders. “Girl stuff,” she said in a teasing voice. “You know, make up and perfume and hair ties.”

He rolled his eyes and took another drink from his beer bottle. Lauren steered Tobin out of the house and to her car.

They didn’t really talk on the way to the store, instead turning up the radio and singing along. Once inside, Lauren helped her pick out a package of pads and some midol. They grabbed a pack of cotton underwear from the lingerie section. “Trust me, the last thing you’re going to want when you’re on your period is to be fucking with lace or satin. Just wear the ugly, boring granny panties. Plus, they’ll be more forgiving if you bloat.”

When they left the store, Tobin expected for them to head straight home. Instead, Lauren drove to a nearby ice cream shop, treating them both. While Tobin ate her cone, Lauren stared down into her sundae for a moment.

“So… how old were you when you met Samuel?”

“Thirteen.”

“Right.” She swallowed. “And… I know you said you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m confused. Where are your parents?”

“At home.”

“Home?”

“California.”

Lauren gave her head a little shake. “And they’re okay with you just taking off across the country with a dude twice your age?”

Tobin rolled her eyes. “He’s not twice my age. He’s twenty one.”

“You know what I mean.”

Tobin licked hot fudge off of her spoon, buying herself some time. “It’s… complicated. I’m not what my parents wanted. I’m… a disappointment. They don’t want me.”

“I’m sure-”

“Samuel loves me. And I love him. So really… I’m lucky, y’know? That he found me.”

“Right.”

“What if Jrue was older than you?”

“Okay but-”

“You said you’re eighteen?” Lauren nodded. “Okay, so what if he was twenty four?”

“But he’s not. And honestly, even if he was, being eighteen is way different than being fourteen.”

Tobin folded her arms across her chest. “I love him.”

She held up her hands. “Okay! Sorry, I’m not saying you don’t, I’m just…” She stared at her for a moment before stretching out her hands to her. “Can we be friends?”

Tobin hesitated before cracking a smile and taking her hand. “Yeah. Friends.”

Lauren smiled. “Sweet. And y’know, that means we can hang out even when the guys aren’t hanging out. Here, I’ll give you my number.”

“I don’t have a phone.”

Lauren raised an eyebrow. “You don’t?”

Tobin squirmed. “Yeah, well mine got broken when we were coming here. And Samuel was going to get me one but,” she shrugged, “They’re expensive. And it’s not like I have anyone that I need to call.”

Lauren nodded, before fishing the receipt out of their Target bag. She grabbed a pen and jotted down her phone number, handing it to Tobin. “Well now you have someone to call. Anytime. Okay?”

Tobin folded it up and slid it into her pocket. “Thanks, Lauren. I mean it.”

X

That night, after Jrue and Lauren had gone home, Samuel started to kiss on Tobin’s neck as she washed her face at the sink. “You need to shave.” He leaned in further, scraping the coarse little hairs into her tender skin and making her laugh. “Stop, stop.”

He pulled back and watched her in the mirror. “So what was that earlier?”

“Hm?”

“You and Lauren. Why did you need to go to the store?”

“Oh.” She ducked her head, rinsing the soap off. “Nothing. Like she said, girl stuff.” She dried off and brushed past him, but he caught her arm.

“Like what?”

“I told you-”

“And I told you not to fucking lie to me.” There it was, that hair thin line that Samuel sometimes tripped over without warning. His face was dark, his bright blue eyes suddenly stormy.

“I… I started my period,” she stammered.

He pulled back. “Oh.”

“I didn’t, didn’t know it was coming so she helped me clean up and took me to buy… stuff.” Her cheeks bloomed hot.

“Oh.” He let go of her arm. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

He halfway shrugged. “It’s… I’m glad she took you. I don’t know anything about that shit.”

“Yeah.”

He groaned. “It blows, though.”

“What does?”

“You… being on your shit!” He gestured fruitlessly. “How are we supposed to fuck?”

“Well, I…”

“Cause I don’t want that shit on me, it’s gross.”

“Okay, I get it.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I mean… if you want me to I can…” Now she was the one gesturing.

“What?”

“Give you a blow job.”

His lips tilted up into a smile. “You’d do that for me baby? Make me feel good?” He took a step closer, cupping her face in his hands. She nodded and he gave her a sweet smile. “That’s my angel. This is why I love you.”

X

She found herself wide awake at seven the next morning. Samuel was still snoring away next to her, but her stomach was pulsing with cramps. She dragged herself sluggishly into the bathroom to clean up, then went and sat in the living room. The sun was just starting to come up, and she curled her arms around her legs, bundling herself into a ball in an effort to combat the pain.

She remembered the midol that Lauren had bought her yesterday, and went into to the kitchen to eat something so that she could take it. As she began to rummage around for food, she spotted Samuel’s cell phone laying on the counter. She picked it up, smiling as she remembered Lauren’s offer for her to text anytime.

The cramps seemed to redouble, and she gritted her teeth, feeling awful all over. All of a sudden she wanted nothing more than to cry, to be held.

Of course, she couldn’t call Lauren for this, she meant for normal stuff like watching a movie or something. But who else could she talk to? Samuel had made it abundantly clear that he was disgusted by all things concerning her period, she couldn’t imagine that he would want to be woken up just because her stomach hurt. She felt embarrassed for being so upset about it, she couldn’t let Samuel see her like this.

So no Samuel. No Lauren.

_There’s someone else you could call._

She gasped at the very idea. She knew the phone number, of course; she’d memorized it when she was starting preschool. She squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lip. She couldn’t. Why would they care? They’d made it very clear that she was on her own, that they didn’t want anything to do with her.

But even as she reminded herself of all of those things, her fingers were shakily unlocking Samuel’s phone and tapping out the number, bringing the phone to her ear.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

Four rings.

Five rings.

Six-

“Hello, you have reached the Heath household. We can’t come to the phone right now, but leave a message and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!”

There was a beep, and Tobin slowly hit end call.

 _They don’t want you,_ she reminded herself. _You can’t go home because this is your home. Samuel is your family. There’s no use crying for something you can’t get back._ But she did anyway, a few lone tears escaping and trickling down her cheeks. She took Samuel’s phone back to the kitchen and put it on the counter before wiping her face.

 _This is your life now, Tobin,_ she thought forcefully. _There’s no going back._


	12. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cindy takes Tobin to the doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Found Friday!

Tobin was staring out her window, bopping her head along to the radio. She was still doing all of her schoolwork at home, so she would often accompany her mom on her daily errands. Suddenly she zoned back in, glancing around.

“Wait. Where are we going? I thought we were going to the craft store?”

“We are. Later.” Her mom’s fingers were tight around the steering wheel. Her knuckles were white. “But we have to make a stop first.”

Tobin was confused. “Where?”

“You have a... doctor’s appointment.”

“Why? I got a full check up when... before I came home.”

“It’s a special doctor’s appointment.”

Cindy pulled into a parking lot and Tobin stared up at the sign. _New Day Women’s Healthcare_. Her stomach twisted unpleasantly. “Why?” she asked, her voice quiet.

Cindy reached across and took her hand. “Katie told me about what you said at the store.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Tobin mumbled.

“I would just feel better if we got you a check up.” She squeezed Tobin’s hand. “Please?”

Tobin didn’t answer, she merely unbuckled her seat belt and climbed out of the car.

X

Tobin squirmed on the table, unable to get comfortable. Her mom was sitting primly in a chair against the wall, her purse on her lap. She seemed to be staring hard at Tobin, but Tobin was staring anywhere else. She crossed her arms over the flimsy paper gown, hyper aware of every single crinkle.

There was a knock on the door and a woman in her forties peeked her head in. “Tobin?” She nodded and the woman smiled, coming in fully. “I’m Dr. Foudy.” Tobin shook her hand, making sure her other arm remained securely across her chest. “Hi.”

“And you must be her mom?”

Cindy shook her hand. “Cindy Heath.”

Dr. Foudy settled onto the stool and clicked her pen a few times. “So is this a well woman visit?”

Tobin shrugged. She really wasn’t sure why she was there.

“Um... Tobin hasn’t been... with us, the past couple of years,” Cindy explained haltingly. “But she mentioned to her sister that she has an IUD, and that she doesn’t get a period. And that’s not normal!”

Dr. Foudy nodded carefully. “Not necessarily. You’re right in thinking that most women continue to menstruate even with an IUD, but it’s not unheard of for periods to get much lighter or stop completely. But we can definitely take a look, make sure everything is working the way it should!”

She pulled out a clipboard. “So Tobin, what brand of IUD do you have?”

“I don’t know.”

She jotted something down. “What’s the name of the doctor who implanted it?”

She swallowed thickly. “I, I don’t know.”

She pressed her lips together, as if thinking carefully. “So when you say you weren’t at home... were you in foster care?”

Tobin shook her head. “I was living in Arizona,” she finally whispered.

Dr. Foudy looked back and forth between Tobin and Cindy, but neither one wanted to say anything else so she just nodded. “Okay.” She glanced around her chart. “So how old were you when you started getting your period, Tobin?”

“14.”

“Okay. And are you sexually active or have you been in the past?”

Tobin fixed her eyes on a cabinet in the corner and barely nodded, not missing her mom’s ragged exhale.

“Okay. And when did that begin?”

Tobin didn’t want to be here. She wanted to be at home, playing video games or maybe kicking a soccer ball against the back fence. She would even take doing schoolwork over this conversation. “13,” she finally answered.

Dr. Foudy nodded slowly and seriously. “Right. Okay.” She now looked just as uncomfortable as Tobin felt. “And how many partners have you had?”

“Two,” she managed to squeak out. She ignored the way it made her mom’s head snap towards her.

“Okay.” She marked that down. “And have you ever been pregnant?”

Tobin froze. She stared at the doctor, willing her to just move on to the next question.

“Tobin?” She placed a hand on her knee, her face concerned. “I’m sorry that I’m asking so many questions, but we want to make sure you’re a healthy as possible, so I need your history.”

“I know.”

Dr. Foudy glanced at Cindy. “Tobin would you maybe feel more comfortable talking in private?” She suggested quietly.

She sighed heavily and shook her head. After all, maybe it was better if her mom knew all of her shit. They could get all of the disappointment over with at once, like ripping off a Band-Aid. And then, if her mom didn’t want her to live at home anymore, then maybe she could find her way back to Phoenix, she could apologize to Samuel and maybe he would take her back.

“So have you been pregnant?”

Tobin lifted her eyes to stare at the ceiling, willing the tears to stay in her eyes. She gave a tiny jerky nod.

Cindy lost any semblance of composure, immediately bursting into tears, burying her face in her hands. Dr. Foudy passed her a box of tissues. “Oh Toby,” she sobbed.

“It’s alright,” Dr. Foudy soothed. “And, um... how did that pregnancy conclude? A live birth?”

Tobin gave her head a tiny shake.

“A miscarriage?”

She shook her head again. “He, he took me to a clinic in Las Vegas,” she whispered.

“Tobin, no!”

Her mom’s horrified voice seemed to send a knife straight through Tobin’s chest, and the tears began to fall. “Mom, I’m sorry! He said, said that I had to! I’m so sorry, I told him that I would take care of it, that it would be okay, but he-“

“It’s okay, take a deep breath,” Dr. Foudy advised. Tobin did as she said, hiccupping and wiping at her cheeks. “And how old were you when this happened?”

“15,” she answered miserably.

“Okay,” Dr. Foudy answered softly. She sat the clipboard to the side. “Why don’t you go ahead and lay back, and we’ll see what’s going on.”

X

An hour later and Tobin and Cindy were back home, the craft store long forgotten. Dr. Foudy had determined that everything was healthy and working, but she offered to take it out if Tobin didn’t want it anymore. She’d shrugged, wanting more than anything to not have to talk about this anymore, and in just a few minutes it had been removed. Dr. Foudy had warned her that she might experience some cramping or spotting but to call if they had any concerns.

“Tobin…” She stopped halfway up the stairs, her hand on the bannister. She slowly turned to find her mom staring up at her, crying again.

“I…” What could she say? How could she possibly explain this? “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t…”

“I know. I’m sorry.” She slowly trudged back down the stairs, even as she could barely meet her mom’s eyes. “I didn’t want…”

Cindy shook her head, taking Tobin’s face in her hands. “Oh Toby.”

“I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew you would be upset,” Tobin whispered. “And I… I understand if you don’t want me here anymore.” The words intensified the weight in her stomach, and she squeezed her eyes shut, bracing for her mom’s decision.

“What- Tobin!” She tilted her head up, her eyes darting all over Tobin’s face. “Want you here? Honey, you’re not going anywhere.”

“I know you’re mad,” Tobin pushed on. “I get it, I, I-”

“Tobin. I’m not mad. I’m not.”

“But… you always said that it was-”

Cindy shook her head. “Things have changed since you were a kid, Tobin. I, we had a lot of beliefs, things I truly believed in my heart of hearts, but now… Tobin, you did the right thing. You couldn’t have raised a baby at fifteen. Especially not with that monster.”

Tobin flinched away from her mom’s hardened voice. “I could have done it,” she argued, confused. “It was my baby, made from our love-”

“No, Tobin. It was a baby made from… from him…” Cindy swallowed hard. “You were just a kid yourself. You still are. And someday you’ll look back and you’ll understand. You’ll understand, I promise honey.” She pulled her in, her arms wrapping tight around her. “I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry that something that should be beautiful and joyous and sweet was stolen from you.”

Tobin took a deep breath and the tears came in full force as she finally let herself grieve what would never come to be.

X

“So where are you girls going again?” Big Jeff asked.

“We’re just driving down to the Santa Monica Pier. I thought we could hang out on the boardwalk, maybe go on the ferris wheel, even go to the arcade.”

“And when will you be home?”

She watched as Tobin shoved her hands deep into her pockets. “By eight.”

He crossed his arms, looking back and forth between Christen, Tobin, and his ex wife. “I don’t know about this.”

“Tobin will be fine, Jeff. She’ll be with Christen the whole time,” Cindy said softly.

He gave a slight scoff. “Yeah, because that worked out well last time.”

His voice was hard and mad; Christen didn’t know if that was aimed at her or Tobin, but it hurt all the same.

“Jeff.”

He sighed, moving his hands to rest on his hips. “Okay fine. But be careful. No talking to any strangers, no sneaking off, doing things you’re not allowed to do.” He turned to Christen. “No speeding and both of you wear your seatbelts.”

She nodded. “We will.”

He pulled out his wallet and handed Tobin a twenty. “Here you go. And…” He paused, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “Please be careful, Toby.” His request came out a little choked up, and when she promised she would be he nodded before quickly turning away.

Cindy walked them to the door. “You girls have fun, Christen, you have our numbers?”

She nodded again. “Yup! Saved in my phone.”

She slipped them another twenty with a small smile. “See you at eight.”

The car ride to the pier was fine, if still a little quiet. Christen was terrified that if she asked any questions she would veer into forbidden territory, destroying what little bit of friendship had been built back up. But things were slowly getting better. The conversation was coming a bit freer as they relearned each other. By the time they had played a couple games of air hockey, they were both laughing so hard they were clutching the table to stay upright, both accusing the other of cheating.

“Fine, I’ll go get us more lemonade, but I’m not playing you on this again, you hit the table!” Christen teased, tightening her ponytail.

Tobin gave her a face splitting grin. “It was an accident, a happy accident!”

“Whatever! When I get back we’re playing Dance Dance Revolution and I’m going to destroy you.”

“I don’t know, CP, my dance moves are pretty rad.” She gave a little wiggle as evidence, which just made Christen laugh harder. She made her way over to the concession stand and handed over their empty cups to be refilled. She gave the guy a five, dropping her change into the tip bucket, and grabbed the drinks. She headed back towards the air hockey table, ready to back another joke, but found it had been claimed by a couple of junior high boys. She turned, figuring that Tobin had moved over to DDR machine, but she wasn’t there either.

Christen’s breath caught hard in her chest, and the cups slipped from her hands. They crashed to the ground, covering her shoes and leggings in the sugary lemonade, but she barely noticed. She was already spinning on the spot, trying in vain to catch a glimpse of Tobin, anything to prove that she hadn’t disappeared again.

“Tobin? Tobin!” She called her name frantically, but received no answer other than a few curious stares. She ran for the exit, her blood pulsing in her ears as she pleaded with the universe. “No, no, please, not again, not again, no-” Her lungs were freezing up, unable to take in any air. She felt like she was drowning.

“Chris?”

She turned to find Tobin standing to the side, her eyebrows furrowed.

“Tobin!” She threw herself at her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders as relief began to permeate her body. “Oh my god, I thought, I thought-“ She shoved herself backwards. “Where did you go?”

“Chill, I just wanted a little air, it was hot inside-”

“I thought you were gone!” Her face was hot and her hands were cold, ice cold, numb, and it felt like everything she could do to keep standing. “You weren’t there, and I thought, I thought-”

“Chris calm down, you’re going to pass out-”

She allowed herself to be guided to a bench even as she kept babbling. “I thought that it was happening all over again, that you were gone, that I had lost you, that, that, that-”

“I’m right here. I’m here, I’m sorry-”

“You can’t do that!” Christen spat through her sobs. “You can’t scare me like that, I thought-” But then the tears completely overwhelmed her, and Tobin stroked her back.

“I’m sorry,” she kept repeating, her eyes wide.

“I thought you were gone,” Christen repeated in a miserable whisper.

“I’m right here, Chris. I’m not going anywhere.”


	13. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin gets shocking news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Here's this weeks update, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> TW for teen pregnancy and abortion.

She stared down at the test in her hands, still unable to believe what she was seeing.

Two lines, not one.

She felt like a stupid character on an after school special, a cautionary tale, but she knew this wasn’t fiction.

She was pregnant.

She took a deep breath, trying to push down the rising panic. Maybe this was okay, you know? Sure she was young and she hadn’t thought about having a baby so soon, but she loved kids. She had always been the first to volunteer to watch kids in her church’s nursery. She liked how warm and solid babies felt in your arms, she liked watching toddlers get to learn, and she liked getting to play sports and games with the slightly older kids. This was an accident, but that wasn’t to say that she didn’t want to be a mom.

_At fifteen? Without your own mom?_

The thought made the ever-present pain in her stomach intensify.

There was a knock on the door, and she cleared her throat. “Just a second.” She wrapped the test up in toilet paper and put it in the trash before dismantling the box and shoving it to the very bottom. Then she flushed the toilet and splashed some water on her face.

She pulled the door open and found herself face to face with one of Samuel’s friends, Ryan. He raised an eyebrow. “You good?”

She forced a smile. “Yeah. Fine.” She went into the living room and retook her seat next to Samuel, his arm immediately wrapping around her. She kept her eyes on the television, but didn’t take in a single line for the rest of the night.

She managed to keep it together until the next day. Samuel had been out of the house on business, and she had done her best to make them a nice, romantic dinner with what they had in the fridge. When Samuel got home, he came into the kitchen with a surprised look on his face.

“Wow, what’s all this?”

“I made dinner,” she said proudly. “Grab a beer and sit down, it’ll be ready in a few minutes.” He kissed her cheek and did as she said, and she smiled down at the pasta sauce. All day she had been thinking about the baby, their baby. Would she have a boy or a girl? Not that it really mattered, she would love them no matter what. She just wanted them to be healthy. But that wasn’t stopping her from picturing kicking around a soccer ball with them, teaching them how to make sugar cookies at Christmas. This baby, while unplanned, would make her and Samuel a family. They would get married and after the baby came maybe they could go back and visit her family-

“Tobin?”

She glanced up. She had gone through all of the motions of putting the spaghetti and meatballs into two bowls, bringing them to the table and taking a seat on autopilot. From the way Samuel was staring at her, he had asked a question, but she had been so spaced out that she had missed it.

“Sorry, what?”

“I asked what all you did today. Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah! Yeah, I-” She swallowed down her nerves. “I’m great actually. I have a surprise.”

“A surprise? I love surprises,” he said with a grin. “What is it?”

“I… I, um…” _Just spit it out, Tobin._ “I’m pregnant,” she said softly.

She watched as the shock washed over his face. “Pregnant? Like with a baby?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

He gave a strained chuckle. “Angel, just because you’re late doesn’t mean you’re automatically pregnant.”

“I know, but I took a test, and it said I was.”

“Wait.” He held up a hand. “When did you go to the store? And what money did you use to buy it?”

She gave him a look. “Samuel, did you not hear what I said? I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.”

He sighed, scrubbing at his face with his hands. “Fuck.”

“I, I know that it wasn’t planned, but this can be a good thing! Think about it, we can be a family. We can get married, and after I have the baby I can take care of it while you’re at work-”

“At work doing what, Tobin? Arranging shipments of coke and molly?”

She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Well… maybe you could do something else,” she suggested in a small voice.

“Like what? You want me to get a job managing a supermarket, wearing a fucking tie for the rest of my life?” he scoffed.

“No, I don’t know, you could find something-”

“You’re right, Tobin, you don’t know. You don’t know shit about providing for a baby.”

She tried not to show that he had hurt her feelings. “I’ll learn. I’ll read the books and we can go to classes-”

“You’ll learn? You can’t even cook a fucking meal properly! These meatballs are burnt, and the noodles are gummy. The only thing you didn’t fuck up was the sauce and that’s because it was out of a jar.”

Her eyes flooded with tears. “I’m trying…”

He leaned across the table, grabbing her hand and holding it tightly. “A baby isn’t like spaghetti, angel. If you fuck it up, you can’t just start over. What are you gonna do if you fuck up the baby?”

“I won’t.”

He sighed and stood up from the table. “We’ve gotta get this figured out.”

“Samuel, you’re not listening, I’ll take care of them. You won’t have to do anything, I promise. I can do this, please.”

He turned to look at her. “No, Tobin. You’re not listening to me. We’re not having a baby. It’s not happening.”

Tobin folded her arms across her chest. “What? So I’ll carry it and then give it up for adoption?”

He stared at her, eyebrows raised. “No, Tobin. I’m saying we’ll get it taken care of.”

She gasped. “No. No, I can’t-”

“You can, and you will.” He walked over and tilted her face up. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of everything.” He kissed her on the lips, not relaxing his grip on her chin. “I know what’s best for you.”

X

A week later, Samuel drove them to Vegas. He walked her into the clinic and filled out the paperwork they were handed. It felt like mere seconds before a nurse was at the door. “Angel Thompson?” Samuel stood up and so she did as well. He walked her to the door. “Angel?” the nurse asked, looking at Tobin.

She looked up at Samuel and he nodded slightly, so she did too. “That’s me,” she lied.

“Great, right this way,” she gestured Tobin through but then held up a hand. “Sorry, sir. Only patients past this point.”

“No, I need to be with her,” he insisted.

“I’m sorry, but those are the rules. We’ll take good care of her, I promise.”

He pulled her into a tight hug, bringing his mouth to her ear. “I love you, Tobin. You’re my everything. You can do this.”

She nodded, pulling away. “I love you too.”

The procedure itself pashed in strange flashes. She felt as if she was in a dream, nodding along to what the nurse was saying, signing forms, changing into a gown. Before she knew it, she was being guided to lay back, the numbing agent being injected, and the sedative being administered.

In what felt like a blink, it was over, the nurse telling her that there had been no complications with the abortion and that they’d had no issues inserting the IUD as she had requested on her paperwork. She groggily nodded along, not even fully sure of what that meant.

She was told to expect cramping and bleeding, along with a chance of throwing up, or feeling faint, and then she was being given back her clothes and slowly shepherded back to the waiting room and into Samuel’s arms.

He took her to their hotel, one of the fancy ones on the strip. She had never felt more out of place than walking through the lobby, everything around her shiny and bright and perfect as she shuffled in wearing her slides, hugging her hoodie close to her body.

He helped her settle under the blankets in the massive king sized bed, smoothing her hair back. “How are you feeling?”

She just shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. Listen, I have a business meeting with that guy Ronnie from Salt Lake. But if you don’t want me to go…” he trailed off.

She shook her head. “No. You can go. I’m just gonna sleep.”

“You sure, angel? I’ll stay if you want.”

“Go. Have fun.”

“Well, it’s business, not fun.” He stood up from where he had been crouched next to the bed. She pulled the blankets up around her chin. “Call if you need something, okay? There’s a phone on the desk.”

She nodded and with one last kiss to her forehead he was gone.

X

She must have dozed off, because the next thing she knew she was being woken up by cramps that seemed to roll through her entire body. She curled into a tight ball, trying to alleviate the pain but it did nothing. She had started sweating in her sleep, and the sheets were damp, clinging to her skin in a way that made her shiver even though she was overwhelmingly hot.

She felt a surge of nausea began to press upwards and forced herself from the bed, dashing across the suite to the bathroom. She barely made it to the toilet before getting sick, losing what little food she had been able to choke down. When she was done, she flushed and turned to sit on the toilet instead, pulling down her underwear and shorts to reveal bright red blood.

She hurt. Her body was cramping and throbbing but that wasn’t the worst of it. Her heart hurt, her head throbbing with the pressure of the tears that had rushed to her eyes. This wasn’t fair, none of this was fair.

She cleaned herself up the best she could and then shuffled back into the suite, spotting the phone on the desk. She picked it up and dialed, biting her lip to silence the groans of pain. Samuel didn’t answer, his phone ringing several times before going to voicemail. She tried again with the same result.

“Call if you need something, sure,” she mumbled darkly. She hung up the phone but then stared at it for a long moment. She wasn’t sure that she could do this anymore. She didn’t think that she was strong enough for this, for any of this.

She took a shaky breath and picked up the receiver, dialing the ten digits still had committed to memory.

It rang several times, then the other line clicked.

“Hello?” Cindy sleepily murmured.

Tobin glanced at the alarm clock, seeing that it was past midnight. Of course her mom had been asleep, what was she thinking?

“Hello? Heath residence.”

Tobin sniffed hard against her tears, but found herself unable to say anything. How could she explain everything that had happened? How could this possibly end with anything but her mom hating her more than she already did?

She took a deep breath, steeling herself to hang up, but as if sensing this, her mom cried out, “Wait!”

She did.

“I… It’s been really sunny here. Hot. Well, for March anyway. They’re saying this summer is going to be brutal.”

Tobin kept listening.

“Katie’s in her second year at the University of Washington. She… she says she loves it, but I think she’s more homesick than she lets on. But she’s made some great friends, and the pictures she posts look like a lot of fun. Perry’s a senior. She hasn’t picked a college or a degree yet, but she still has time. And she can always go undecided. Little Jeff is… well, he’s thirteen. And if I thought thirteen year old girls were moody, then,” she let out a little chuckle. Tobin didn’t miss the way that she skipped over her, as if she had never existed. She had no idea why her mom would choose to pass on these little bits of information to someone randomly calling in the middle of the night, but the message was clear: she had three children, not four. Tobin was nothing more than a bad memory to her family.

This hurt more than anything else, worse than giving up the chance to be a mom, worse than Samuel abandoning her in the hotel room. They didn’t miss her. They didn’t love her.

She meant nothing to them.

She slammed the receiver down and the dam broke, hot tears pouring down her cheeks, choking her. She made her way back to the bed, climbing beneath the covers and pulling them over her head.

She tried to convince herself that the pain would go away eventually, both the cramps and the heartache, but she was afraid that the second would haunt her forever.


	14. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin tags along with Christen to a house party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Happy Found Friday!

Christen groaned and slammed her physics book shut. “I can’t do any more problems or I’m gonna puke.”

Tobin stretched across the couch and took the textbook from her, flipping it open at random. “Yeah, this looks… awful, sorry.” She grinned at her. “Why would you willingly take this class?”

Christen rubbed at her temples. “Because I’m a glutton for punishment, apparently.” She sighed and picked up her phone. “Oh wow, is it that late already?”

“Yeah, it’s nearly six. Why? Got a hot date?” She had meant it to come out teasing, but from the apprehensive chuckle Christen gave her, she didn’t think she had been successful.

“No, not a date. It’s just this dumb thing. Cody Link’s parents are in Shanghai for the weekend so he’s having a party at his place.” She shrugged. “I don’t know, I thought I might go.”

“Right. Yeah, no that sounds awesome.”

Christen gave her an unsure look. “You wouldn’t want to come, would you? I mean, I probably won’t stay for long, and-”

“It sounds like fun,” Tobin cut in. “I mean, not to like, invite myself but,” she chuckled slightly, “it would be nice to spend Friday night doing something other than watching HGTV with my mom.”

“And she’ll be okay with you coming out?”

Tobin shrugged. “She’s always talking about how I need to reconnect with my old friends.”

“Right. Well, I have to go home and get ready, but I can come by at like seven? We can split an Uber.”

“Yeah. Yeah that sounds great, I’ll be ready.”

X

Tobin smoothed down the red and blue striped dress, looking at herself in the mirror. It didn’t feel… right. She didn’t know quite how to explain it, other than every time she got dressed in something other than loose basketball shorts and a tee shirt, it felt like nothing quite fit, regardless of the size on the tag, Perhaps I was because when she was living with Samuel he had preferred for her to wear things that were decidedly more fitted and revealing than the clothes her mom had taken her to buy from Old Navy and Target. But if she really thought about it, she didn’t want to be wearing the clothes he had bought her either. So what was her issue? What was wrong?

The doorbell rang and she gave herself one last glance before making her way downstairs. She pulled open the door and promptly had to remind herself how to breath.

Christen had changed out of her uniform blazer and skirt, into a pair of tight black skinny jeans and a yellow crop top, one that revealed not only how toned her stomach was, but also that she wasn’t wearing a bra. The outfit, combined with Christen’s curls being pulled half up in a bun and a pair of gold hoops, cemented her as the most beautiful creature Tobin had ever seen.

“Hey,” she smiled. “Ready to get going?”

“Uh, yeah. Lemme just…” She turned and caught sight of herself in the entry way mirror. “Actually… I might change.”

“Yeah?”

“I just…” She stared down at herself, then glanced up at her friend. “I wanna look good like you.” Her cheeks went pink at the admission.

Christen just grinned and followed her up the stairs. “I’m sure we can find something up here.”

Cody Link’s house was loud, the air hot and sticky from the number of people crammed inside. Tobin, newly clad in a denim skirt and a black tank top, stopped just inside the door, taking a moment to observe the knots of teenagers drinking out of red solo cups. Christen took her hand and led her to the kitchen, her thumb absent mindedly rubbing Tobin’s knuckles as she surveyed the options.

“Hmm… I think I’m going to have some vodka,” she picked up the bottle and poured some in a red plastic cup. She grabbed a bottle of coke and poured it nearly to the top. “I’m not a huge fan of the taste,” she confided to Tobin with a laugh.

Tobin opened the fridge and looked around. “Oh sweet, Heinekin.” She pulled one out and used the opener on the table to pop the top, taking a long drink.

Christen watched, a little enthralled. “So, you drink?”

Tobin faltered, her cheeks flushing. “Well… I mean, yeah. Samuel is really into IPAs. He liked trying new brands, he’d bring home cases of the ones he liked. And I mean we would have parties and stuff sometimes. Why?” Her voice sounded guarded, a little defensive.

Christen shook her head. “Nothing! Just surprised, I guess. Your parents…” she trailed off.

Tobin scratched at her shoulder. “Yeah.”

They began to walk back towards everyone else. “I caught Jeff at a party a few months ago, you know.”

“Wait, really?”

Christen rolled her eyes and laughed. “Yeah. No idea what he thought he was doing, since it was upperclassmen only. I gathered him up and took him home.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Christen shrugged.

“No, I mean it. I… I haven’t been here. To be a big sister to him. So thank you.”

Christen smiled, dropping her gaze to the cup in her hands. “Of course, Tobs.” She cleared her throat. “Now, have you ever played beer pong before?”

Tobin scoffed. “Chris, I lived with my twenty five year old boyfriend and his friends. I know how to play beer pong.” She took off towards the table, missing Christen’s horrified look.

After winning several games of beer pong, Tobin made her way upstairs to one of the bathrooms. She pushed open the door to find it already occupied by a girl with long brown hair. “Oh! Sorry.”

She quickly went to exit but was stopped. “No, it’s okay! We’re all girls, right?” The girl laughed at her own joke, apparently completely uncaring that a stranger had walked in while she was using the bathroom.

“No, it’s-”

“Just come in, I’m done. But shut the door!” She did as she was told and the girl quickly wiped and stood up, pulling a lacy thong up into position under a tight blue dress. She flushed then stepped to the sink. “it’s all yours.”

“It’s okay, I can just wait.”

The girl giggled at her as she washed her hands. “You’re cute. Do you go to Griffith Academy?”

Tobin felt completely cut off guard. “Uh… I used to. I… moved. I just moved back actually.”

“Oh.” She turned around to face Tobin, her bright blue eyes sparkling even if they were red from obviously being high. “You look familiar.”

“Must just have one of those faces.” Tobin awkwardly messed with the towel hanging next to the shower. “Do you go to Griffith?”

The girl smirked. “Nah. My boyfriend does though.”

“Oh. Right.”

“What’s your name?”

“Tobin.”

“Tobin… Wait! You’re that girl. The one from the news.”

Tobin swallowed thickly. “You never told me your name,” she redirected.

The girl took a step forward, till they were almost chest to chest. “Alex.”

“Hi Alex.”

She leaned in further. “Hi.” Then she was kissing Tobin, hard but sloppy, all tongue and teeth and lips. She kept walking until she had Tobin pinned against the wall. Her hand came to her waist, edging just under her tank top, and Tobin felt completely frozen, powerless to stop it.

Then there was a loud knock on the door, and Alex pulled back. “Just a second!” she yelled, huffing in annoyance. She gave Tobin another smile. “Hopefully I’ll see you around.”

Then she was pulling away, slipping through the door which Tobin promptly locked. She turned to look at herself in the mirror, her eyes wide and cheeks flushed. She hurriedly splashed water on her face, forgetting why she had come to the bathroom in the first place.

They ended up staying at the party for a few more hours before deciding to walk the several blocks home. Christen was on the sidewalk, clutching her denim jacket closer, while Tobin was walking precariously on the curb, her arms held aloft to keep her balance. Christen watched her, letting the little bit of alcohol she’d had at the party morph into something close to courage.

“Tobs?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you…. I mean you and Samuel lived together for four years.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you… I mean, I know you said you were dating.”

Tobin laughed. “Uh… yeah?”

“Did you guys have sex?”

Tobin lost her balance on the curb, slipping off into the gutter. She gave a nervous laugh. “Why?”

Christen shrugged. “I don’t know.” She really didn’t. She wasn’t sure why she wanted to know.

“Have you?” Tobin shot back.

“Yeah.”

Tobin froze for a moment, obviously not expecting such an easy response. “…Oh.”

Christen laughed a bit. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah! Yeah no, of course, I don’t care at all, I just… I don’t know.” She kicked at a can in the gutter. “Yeah. We did.”

“Oh.” Christen took a deep breath, trying to phrase her next thought. “Did… was it nice?”

Tobin glanced over at her. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, was it nice, did it feel good?”

Tobin didn’t respond for several moments. “Sometimes. Or, most of the time, I guess.”

“Most of the time?” Christen repeated softly.

Tobin shrugged, stepping up to walk beside her on the sidewalk. “I mean, we… we were having sex a lot. And so it makes sense that sometimes it wasn’t as good.”

“Like how?”

“I don’t know, Chris! Like, sometimes it would hurt when he put it in me.” She could tell from Tobin’s voice that she was frustrated. “Or it just was… a lot.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Hey. It’s okay.” Christen took her hand. “As long as most of the time it felt good.”

Tobin gave her a strained smile. “Yeah.”

“I guess I always thought…”

“What?”

“That you would save yourself for marriage. Or someone really special, I guess.”

Tobin pulled her hand away from Christen’s. “Samuel is really special.”

“Right,” Christen quickly agreed. “Of course.”

“I mean, we’re going to get married someday.”

“Oh?”

Tobin nodded. “Yeah. He… he loves me. He knows that it’s important to me.”

“Do you love him?” The question slipped from her lips before she could stop it.

Tobin sighed, coming to a stop. She tilted her head back, staring up at the starry sky. “I… yeah.”

“Why?” Christen couldn’t help but ask.

Her best friend turned to look at her. “Because… because I just do, Chris. You don’t choose who you love.”

“But…” She sighed. “He wasn’t good to you.”

Tobin frowned. “You weren’t there.”

“But I know you, Tobin. Or I mean, I did. I used to know you better than anyone else on earth. And he, he took you away from us.”

“It’s not that simple, Christen. He had to go back to Arizona for work, and so it was either take me with him or never see me again.”

“But… school! Your family, soccer!”

“He didn’t have a choice.”

Christen held up her hands. “Okay! Okay. You’re right, I wasn’t there.”

Tobin shook her head. “I just wish you could understand.”

Christen gave her a sad smile. “So do I.”

The began walking again. Tobin bumped her shoulder into Christen’s. “And like I said, sometimes, the sex was good. Really good.” She gave a nervous giggle. “Like there was this one time, on his friend’s boat-”

“On a BOAT?!”

Tobin shushed her, looking around to make sure they hadn’t attracted anyone’s attention. “Yes, on a boat,” she repeated in an almost whisper.

“Well? Now you have to give me details!”

“We, we were down in the Gulf of Mexico. And like I said, we were on Cameron’s boat, and it was so warm and sunny… They’d been drinking and then Samuel gave me a pill.”

“A what?” The laughter had faded from Christen’s voice.

“No! No like, ecstasy. And it made everything… amazing. And then we went downstairs and…” Her smile faltered slightly. “Then Cameron came down too. And it was um, interesting. Definitely interesting. But the ecstasy made everything feel terrific.” She paused. “We never did that again, though.”

“You had a… a threesome?” Tobin sort of looked like she would puke, so Christen changed the subject. “So have you done any other drugs?”

She shrugged. “Pot. Nothing else really. Well, I tried coke a few years ago, but I didn’t like it.”

Christen’s head was swimming. How could this possibly be Tobin, her sheltered, eternally innocent friend? She tried to picture Channing trying coke and the very thought made her blood run cold.

“Oh. Wow.”

“You?”

She shook her head. “No. Too much of a control freak, I guess,” she said with a forced laugh.

“And you never told me about you having sex.”

Christen shrugged. “Nothing exciting. Joey Torres after prom sophomore year. A few more times that summer. Then… um, Ashlyn and I had a thing. Last year.”

Tobin came to a full stop. “Wait, what?”

Christen’s cheeks flushed hot. “Um yeah. Nothing crazy. We were partners for this history project and so we hung out a lot, and then one day we kissed. We started dating but like, secretly, because,” she waved her hand vaguely to represent their neighborhood and Tobin nodded. “And yeah. But then there was this thing with her mom and her stepdad, and she…” She sighed. “She got sent to live with her grandparents.”

“Wow.” When Tobin didn’t say anything more, Christen decided to probe into it.

“Wow? That’s it?” she teased.

“No! I just… so you’re…?”

Christen shrugged. “Bi? Pan? I don’t know.”

“Well I’m happy for you.”

A strange relief flooded through Christen. “Thanks, Tobs.” She swallowed. “Have you ever…”

“What?”

“You know. Slept with a girl.”

Tobin gave her a strangely panicked look. “No. I mean, I’ve been with Samuel for four years.”

“Yeah, but…” She switched tactics. “Have you ever thought about it?”

Tobin turned away from her and began to walk down the sidewalk. “We better hurry. If I’m late for my curfew my mom’s going to lose it.”

Christen hurried to catch up, not missing the fact that Tobin wasn’t able to answer the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment, or come chat on Tumblr, @thetheatrelady


	15. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At a Super Bowl party, both Tobin and Lauren make a confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lads, I hope you're all doing well.

“Go, go, go!” Zach’s loud voice rang throughout the living room. “C’mon, run- YES!” He jumped up from the couch, hands in the air. “That’s what I’m talking about, Blount!”

Julie turned and rolled her eyes where she was sitting with Tobin and Lauren. “He’s out of control.”

“At least the Eagles are in the lead,” Lauren supplied.

“Yeah.” Tobin glanced over at where Samuel was muttering about the Patriots defense. “Samuel bet like, a hundred bucks on this game. If the Pats lose he’s gonna be pissed.”

“Is that who you’re going for?” Lauren asked.

Tobin shrugged. “I don’t really care, to be honest. American football really isn’t my thing.”

“And what is?” Julie asked, taking a swig from her vodka soda.

She kept her eyes on where she was slowly peeling the label off of the beer in her hand. “I used to play soccer.”

“Wait, really? Me too. All throughout school.”

“Really?”

Julie nodded, her eyes bright. “Yeah! I was in a club here in Phoenix, we won state nine times. I even was invited to a few youth national team training camps.”

Tobin sat up straighter. “That’s sick! What happened?”

The light that had come into Julie’s face seemed to flicker and go out. “I mean… you know how it is. I was offered a few places on college teams, and I started at a school in California, but…” She shook her head. “I don’t know. I met Zach. My grades slipped. One thing led to another. So we came back here.”

Lauren put a hand on her arm. “I mean, you’re still young, Jules. You could go back to school and play.”

Julie snorted and rolled her eyes. “I’m way too out of shape now.” She sighed. “It’s fine. I just miss it. I miss the feeling of being out on the pitch, the grass, the sound of the crowd in the stands. There’s nothing else like it, y’know?”

Tobin did know. It had been two years since she’d been back with her family, trekking to soccer practice after school and on weekends, but she missed her sport. She would give anything to have a ball back at her feet, even if it was only to juggle. Sometimes at night when she couldn’t sleep, she would close her eyes and imagine being back at the Griffith Academy field with Christen, taking shot after shot, teasing each other when they missed.

“I actually played in junior high and high school too,” Lauren said. “Maybe we could get some sort of rec team together. Or at the very least, find one other person so we can play two on two sometime.”

Tobin tried to play it cool, but she couldn’t help the way she sat forward. “Yeah! That’d be awesome.”

Julie nodded, but was cut off by cheering from in front of the TV. “Fuck yeah! Here we go!” Samuel crowed.

Zach gave him a look. “Eagles are still up 15 to 6.”

Samuel shook his head. “We can do this, we’re not out yet.” He turned to look over his shoulder, making eye contact with Tobin. “Would you grab me another beer, babe?”

She smiled. “Sure.” She grabbed them both another from the fridge, bringing his to the couch.

He finished taking a hit off a joint then held it out to her. She took it and inhaled deeply. She’d resisted the idea of drugs from months after coming to Arizona, but after a while Samuel had made her see that it wasn’t that big of a deal. Weed was natural, it couldn’t actually hurt her. She slowly let out the smoke, and handed it back, kissing him on the cheek.

“No! Fuck!” Zach groaned as something happened in the game. “What the hell, Jeffrey?” He shook his head then glanced over at his girlfriend. “Jules, c’mere. The Eagles need a good luck charm.”

Tobin went back over, rejoining Lauren at the table. She leaned down and sniffed the red solo cup in her hand. “What are you drinking?”

The nineteen year old glanced down then back up. “Um… just water. I’m not feeling great.”

Tobin furrowed her eyebrows. “Oh. Do you need something? I think we have some pepto, or-”

But then Lauren was out of her chair, hurrying down the hallway and into the guest bathroom. Tobin followed just in time to get to see Lauren fall to her knees and get sick in the toilet. She winced. “Do you want me to get Jrue? If you’re sick you should go home.”

Lauren retched again, then wiped her mouth, sitting back on her heels. She shook her head as she reached up and flushed the toilet. “Don’t get Jrue, I’m okay. Just shut the door.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded, leaning back against the wall. “Yeah, I’m fine, T.”

Tobin stepped in and shut the door, sliding down to sit beside Lauren. “What’s wrong?”

Lauren gave her a little smile. “Nothing’s wrong. I just…” She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

The words caught Tobin hard in the chest, sliding down to weigh heavy in her stomach. “Oh! You… You’re…”

“I know.” Lauren gave her head a little shake. “It’s not like we were trying, but I guess the condom split? We just found out a few weeks ago, and I’m still kind of in shock, to be honest.” She gave an anxious laugh. “I can’t believe that we’re going to have a baby!”

Tobin tried to smile. “That’s… that’s…”

Lauren gave her a confused look. “Tobin?”

She lost the battle with the emotions storming through her chest. Hot tears began to slide down her cheeks, one after the other. “Sorry,” she said, her voice squeaking.

“No, don’t…” Lauren shifted closer so that their shoulders were pressed together. “What’s wrong?”

“I um…” She sucked in a breath. “I found out I was pregnant last month.”

Lauren’s jaw dropped. “Oh wow. Wow, um… okay. I mean, god if I thought I was young to be having a baby…” She shook her head. “But, I mean hey look at it this way. We’ll be pregnant together, we’ll get through this-”

Tobin’s tears thickened. “No. We won’t.” She wiped at her cheeks, then glanced up at her friend. “He took me to Vegas,” she whispered.

“Oh…” Lauren blinked a few times. “Well, I mean, that’s okay too. It’s your choice.”

Tobin chewed on the inside of her cheek, willing herself to keep it together. She sniffed. “I told him I would take care of the baby when it came, but… he said we had to.”

“Oh Tobin.” Lauren wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close. “I’m so sorry.”

“And I know that he’s right, that he’s just taking care of me, but I, I, I always wanted to have kids.”

“And you will,” Lauren told her, her voice thick. “You will, T. Maybe not this time, but….” She let out a long breath. “Have you thought about going home?”

“This is my home.”

“No, I know that, but-”

Tobin sat up straighter, wiping her eyes before turning to look at Lauren. “I already told you. They don’t want me. They made that really clear and…” She remembered the way that her mom hadn’t even said her name when she had called from the hotel room. “And they definitely won’t want me now.”

“I’m sure if you explain-”

She shook her head. “No Lauren. My family… They’re very religious. They won’t… they can’t… He’s the only one who gets me, who loves me. This is where I’m supposed to be.”

“I get it, T. My family is religious too. But I really think-”

“Just trust me. They’re… better off without me. They’re happier without me.”

“That can’t be true. You’re so special, Tobin.”

“Thanks,” she said quietly, ducking her head. “And… I’ll be fine. I _am_ fine. I just… I don’t know. I guess the beer made me a little sad. But I’ll get over it. Really.”

Lauren leaned in close, so that her face was just a few inches from Tobin’s. “If you didn’t want to get an abortion, then he shouldn’t have made you.”

“It wasn’t like that-”

“It’s your body, your pregnancy-”

“But his house, his money.” Tobin shook her head. “And I mean… someday… someday it’ll happen right. We’ll be married and we’ll both have normal jobs. And then we’ll have another baby. Samuel Jr.” She gave Lauren a shaky smile that she didn’t return. Instead her friend was looking at her, but her eyes looked a thousand miles away.

“Tobin… I don’t think that Samuel will ever leave the drug runner life. He’s too far in, he… he’s in for good. The only way he’ll stop is if he gets thrown in jail, and even then it’ll just be until he gets out. And I know that he’s already pulled you into it…”

Tobin furrowed her eyebrows. “No. Not really. I just come with sometimes, so I can help translate. That’s all.”

Lauren grabbed her hand. “Tobin, please be careful. This is… I don’t…. I think that…” She broke off, carding her fingers through her hair as she searched for the right words. “I’m worried about you. I’m worried about being with Samuel will do to you.”

Tobin straightened up slightly, her sadness morphing into something closer to anger. “Samuel loves me.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t, I’m saying…. Tobin you’re so young! You have your whole life ahead of you! You shouldn’t be here, you should be at home, learning algebra and going out with your friends, not with some manipulative, drug dealing asshole.”

“Don’t talk about Samuel like you know him,” Tobin spat. “You don’t. I know who he really is. You don’t. And… how dare you judge him!” Tobin got to her feet, looking down at where Lauren was still sitting against the wall. “If Samuel’s bad for dealing drugs, then what is Jrue for helping him?”

She stood up. “Jrue is-”

“What?” Tobin snapped.

Lauren placed her hands on Tobin’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… Shouldn’t have…” She looked deep into Tobin’s eyes for several long moments before taking a breath. “I’m sorry. It’s the pregnancy hormones, I guess. I just care about you, okay? I mean we’ve been friends for over a year now, it hurts me to see you upset, y’know?”

Tobin deflated slightly. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I just… I guess being pregnant has really made me look at where we are. It’s making me think about the future, making me think about what I want for me and the baby.” She pressed her lips together. “I just want to make sure I do the right thing, but I think I’m still figuring out what that is,” she finally whispered. She shrugged one shoulder. “And you’re kind of like my little sister, Tobs. I worry about you.”

“Thanks. But you don’t have to. Samuel loves me. As long as we’re together, he’ll take care of me.”

Lauren gave her a strange look, then nodded. “Right. Yeah.” She released Tobin’s shoulders and grabbed them both wads of toilet paper to wipe at their faces before rejoining the Super Bowl party.

As they were all leaving Samuel and Tobin’s house several hours later, Lauren pulled her into a tight hug. “Samuel’s not the only person who loves you, T. And you can still call me, anytime, no questions asked. Okay?”

“I know.”

Lauren pulled back. “let’s have a girls’ day in a few weeks, okay? We can go and get our nails done, or go shopping or something.”

“Yeah, that sounds fun.” Tobin waved her and Jrue off, shutting and locking the door behind them.

She started gathering up the empty bottles and cans from the coffee table, listening as Samuel grumbled in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe Tom Brady gets paid 15 million fucking dollars and he let himself get sacked. Are you fucking shitting me?”

She dumped them all in the trash can then took a few steps towards him. “Samuel?”

“What?” he snapped.

“Will… We’ll have a family someday, right? Like, we’ll have a baby when things aren’t so crazy?”

He turned and glared at her. “Can you fucking give me a break with that, Tobin? I just lost over two grand, do you really think this is the time to talk to me about a baby?” He grabbed another beer and slammed the door shut. 

“I’m sorry, I just-” Once again, tears threatened to make an abrupt appearance.

Samuel must have heard the change in her voice, because he turned to look at her with a groan. “Yes, okay? Some day when I’m not up to my balls in shitty contacts and a hundred other things, I swear that I will knock you up again. Alright? Are we good about this? Can you not start crying?”

She nodded, swallowing back her tears.

He sighed and walked forward, looping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. “Tobin. I promise. We’ll have a baby. We’ll have ten if you want. It’s not a good time right now. You trust me, don’t you?”

“I trust you,” she replied softly.

He gave her a chaste kiss. “Great. I’m gonna go call Dawson, try and convince him not to cut off my balls about this stupid Super Bowl bet.” He stalked out of the room and Tobin took a deep breath. They would have a family someday. Someday it would all be alright.


	16. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's asked questions she won't answer, and begins to ask herself some questions that she can't answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!
> 
> Hooray for an extra chapter! A trigger warning that this chapter has some sexual content, specifically masturbation.

Tobin shifted uncomfortably in her seat, staring at the dining room table. Her mom was beside her, her hands tightly clasped as if to stop her from reaching out. The two police officers were sitting across from her, their faces showing a strange combination of boredom and impatience.

“You’re saying that you lived with him for nearly four years and you never learned his last name?” one clarified, his pen hovering over his notepad even though Tobin had failed to give them anything so far.

Tobin shrugged, chewing on the inside of her cheek as if to make sure that she didn’t accidentally let something slip. _Ditmore,_ something inside of her whispered. _His name is Samuel Ditmore._

“How about this,” the other one tried, giving her a tight smile. “What can you tell us about his work? Can you tell us anything about who he was in contact with?”

She slowly shook her head, unable to make eye contact.

“Tobin, you need to talk to them,” her mom urged. “They need to find him, to make sure he doesn’t do this to someone else.”

“He loves me,” Tobin whispered, her stomach aching at the thought of Samuel moving on and finding someone prettier, someone smarter, someone better than her-

“Yeah, some love.” She turned to see Little Jeff in the doorway, his backpack hanging from one shoulder. “Y’know, if that prick was so great then maybe you should just run back to him.”

“Jeff…” Their mom said, her voice a clear warning.

“No, I mean it. If she loves him so much then why stay? It’s not like she’s going to school or anything.”

“Son, can you give us some privacy?” the older cop asked.

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Fuck off, I’m not your son. I’m barely hers.” He gestured towards his mother.

“Go to your room,” Cindy snapped. He threw up his hands and stomped upstairs, leaving them in an awkward silence.

Cindy gave the policemen a small, tense smile. “It’s been… an adjustment.”

“I’m sure.” They sat in an awkward silence for several moments.

The young cop picked up a manila folder and pulled out a sheet of paper. “Tobin, do you recognize any of these people?”

Her eyes quickly scanned down the page before gasping out loud.

“I’m going to take that as a yes?”

She nodded reluctantly. “Um, yeah. Her.” She pointed to the first mugshot on the second row. “Julie.”

The cop put on a pair of reading glasses and read the accompanying piece of paper. “Julie Beth Johnston, age 22, from Phoenix, AZ. Picked up a couple low level charges, mostly for drug related offences. Did you meet her through Samuel?”

Tobin nodded again, her fingers tracing the picture. In it, Julie’s mascara had smudged, and her nearly white blonde hair was hanging messily around her face, a far cry from the stylish, polished locks Tobin remembered her always having.

“In what capacity?”

“She was a friend.”

“And did you know her boyfriend, Zach?”

“Yeah. He, they were our friends.”

“Did Zach work with Samuel?” She didn’t answer, instead just staring at Julie’s mugshot, making the older cop sigh and lean forward, propping his elbows on their table.

“Tobin, I’m worried that you don’t understand the severity of the people you were involved with. Do you understand what we mean when we say that the FBI are interested in Samuel?”

“Yes,” she answered stiffly, not making eye contact.

“You need to tell us everything you know about him. We need to find him.”

“I don’t understand,” Cindy cut in. “If you know he was in Phoenix, if you know that he was associated with these other people, why can’t you find him?”

 _Because he’s too smart for that,_ Tobin thought to herself. _Because he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get away._ She had seen firsthand the lengths to which he would go to evade the police.

“Arizona, Nevada, and California police have been aware of him for years, but until now, he’s done a good job of staying out of reach, just under the wire so that states weren’t talking to each other. However, transporting a child across state lines is a federal crime. So now we’re all trying to compile what we know, but we’re still sorting through false flags and aliases. We’re not even sure if Samuel is his real name at this point.” Was she the child in question? It felt strange, hearing them talk about her in this way, as if she wasn’t in front of them, or as if she was someone else.

The other cop took over. “Not to mention, when Tobin’s story hit the media, Samuel went underground. We think he’s still probably in the Southwest, since that’s where he seems the most comfortable but we don’t know that for sure.”

“He could be in Mexico,” Tobin said without thinking, more to herself than anyone else.

“Mexico? Why do you say that?”

“Did he mention something?”

“Did you go there together?”

Tobin turned to stare out the window, beating herself up for opening her mouth. When it became apparent that she wasn’t going to say anything else, her mom sighed.

“How has he managed to go this long without being caught?”

The older cop began to gather all of their files up. “He’s smart. Shrewd. Phoenix PD thought they almost had him a few years back, but it was either a bad lead or someone tipped him off, because when they got there, he was gone.” He gave Tobin a look. “I don’t suppose you have anything to say about that?”

When she didn’t reply, they both got to their feet. “Thank you for your time, Mrs. Heath. I expect we’ll be in contact again. In the meantime, Tobin, if you realize that we’re on your side and you can trust us, your mom has our number.”

Cindy showed them out, then came back and stood in the doorway to the dining room. “Toby…”

“I need to work on my schoolwork.” She got to her feet and tried to walk by her, but she caught her arm.

“I love you. Your dad loves you. Your siblings… Tobin, this is your home. This is where you’re supposed to be.”

She didn’t answer, and instead pulled her arm from her mom’s hold and hurried to her room, taking the stairs two at a time.

X

Later that night, she found herself laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. She had given up on trying to struggle through her school work hours ago. Her mom had tried to get her to come downstairs for dinner but she had insisted that she wasn’t hungry, not feeling up to facing her mom’s concerned looks or her brother’s scowl. She would rather just lay here in the silence, and forget all the ways she was disappointing her family.

Her phone chimed, and she picked it up. Her mom had just recently gotten her a new phone, obviously concerned that she would use it to contact Samuel, or vice versa. But Tobin knew better; she knew that her parents and the cops were probably monitoring everything she did.

The notification was from Christen, a funny dog video sent to her on Instagram. She chuckled, sending back an emoji, but then clicked on Christen’s profile.

She found herself scrolling through all of her posts, smiling at the pictures of Christen and her sisters, Christen and her dogs, pictures of Big Daddy. She kept going, her heart aching when she found pictures of Christen’s mom.

But then she went a little bit further, and found several pictures of Christen and a girl with long blonde hair.

Ashlyn.

She scoffed the name to herself, rolling her eyes. Really, it was kind of a dumb name. Not the classic Ashley. Not that this girl looked like an Ashley.

Tobin clicked on Ashlyn’s profile, frowning at the girl’s feed. It was mostly pictures of her out on the water, surfing, but some of the most recent ones showcased the girl’s new hairdo, dark brown and close cropped on the sides. She supposed that it made her look really good, maybe, if you were into that kind of thing.

She went back to the pictures of Christen and Ashlyn. She couldn’t help but scrutinize them, looking back and forth between their faces, trying to see if she could see the relationship that had been.

Was it in their smiles? Was it in their eyes?

Christen’s eyes in the pictures were sparkling, a beautiful pale green, but then again, Christen’s eyes were always beautiful. She had a special way of looking at people as if they were the only person that mattered, the only other person on earth.

 _No._ She slammed her phone face down on her bed. Christen was her friend, nothing else. She was just her friend! She needed to stop having weird thoughts about Christen’s eyes.

She put her phone on the charger and moved it to her nightstand, closing her eyes in a vain attempt at going to sleep. She rolled onto her back, trying to get comfortable, and then a thought struck her.

She’d been home for nearly two months, and she hadn’t seen Samuel for a week before then. She missed him. She missed him every hour of the day. But nighttime was the hardest.

She remembered the last time they had fallen into bed, how his hands had felt on her hips, his mouth on her throat.

Before she quite knew what she was doing, one of her hands was drifting beneath her sleep shirt, stroking over her stomach before capturing her nipple, puling a breathy gasp from her own lips. She knew exactly what he would do if he was with her, the way his pale green eyes-

_NO._

Samuel’s eyes were blue. Bright blue, like the ocean. They would darken when he was upset or horny, but they were still blue. Not green. She wasn’t thinking about green eyes right now. She couldn’t.

But as her hands slipped into her underwear, cupping herself, rubbing, probing, she found herself fighting with her own mind more and more.

The more she tried to remember just how Samuel’s hands felt- large, hot, calloused- the more she couldn’t stop thinking about Christen’s, her long slender fingers, the soft skin, the way she always kept her nails trimmed but polished.

She tried to concentrate on his smell, his cologne, but her senses were flooded with coconut, Christen’s shampoo and conditioner, the leave in treatment that she had been doing since before Tobin left.

Just as she was about to tear her hands from her underwear, disgusted with herself for thinking about her best friend that way, a different face found it’s way into her mind.

Alex.

Tobin had only seen her at the party, but her mind did a decent job of reconstructing the pale blue of her eyes, the way her brown hair had been streaked with lighter highlights, almost blonde. She could practically feel Alex’s mouth against hers, the click of her teeth, the drag of her tongue and lips. She thought of how Alex’s hand had grasped her waist, her thumb pressing into her hip bone to guide her backwards, the way her body had felt hot against hers, and then her body was shuddering, shaking apart. She was embarrassed by the low groan that she couldn’t silence, her eyes squeezed shut to hold onto Alex’s face.

After several moments, she pulled her hand out of her underwear and opened her eyes, staring up at the ceiling.

Shit.

Fucking shit.

Why had she just done that? Why would she picture some random girl while she was masturbating? She had a boyfriend, a boyfriend who loved her, who was probably heartbroken that she was gone, and here she was, practically cheating on him.

Tears flooded her eyes, and she forced herself to take a few deep breaths. This was fine. It was all fine. This didn’t have to mean anything. She had a boyfriend, a boyfriend that she loved. She wasn’t-

She didn’t-

She rolled over to face the wall, pulling her blanket tightly to her chin. Waves of shame and confusion rolled over her body, and she shut her eyes tightly, wanting more than ever to go to sleep, if only for a reprieve.

 _You don’t like girls,_ she sternly reminded herself. _There’s nothing wrong with you._

But, would liking girls mean that something had to be wrong with you? After all, Christen had dated Ashlyn, and she-

Well, she was perfect.

But regardless, Tobin didn’t have to worry about it, because she didn’t like girls. Not at all.

She was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: @thetheatrelady


	17. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overcome by homesickness, Tobin asks to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves!
> 
> I wish you all a happy Found Friday and a happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> This chapter is for MY Valentine, lesbianrobinhood, who I kicked out of bed to go to work as I laze about listening to murder podcasts. Thanks for enabling my sugar baby lifestyle. Love you sweetheart!
> 
> Also, please be aware that this chapter has a TW for physical violence, please proceed with caution. Stay safe, y’all.

She stood beside the trash can, her hand on the lid. It had been a week since Tobin had woken up in Arizona. The first couple of days had been spent going out, buying her new clothes and shoes. But then Samuel had effectively hidden them away with no explanation. Her days had been spent parked on the couch, watching ESPN, either with Samuel or by herself while he talked on the phone.

He had been gone for most of the morning, telling her that he had business to take care of and that she should stay inside with the doors locked until he got back. And she had for the most part, but she was bored. But more pressing, she was hurting.

Tobin missed her mom. Every morning when she woke up, she still expected to wake up in her bedroom, to go downstairs and eat breakfast before going to school. She couldn’t help but guiltily think that her mom must be worried, regardless of what Samuel had told her. She missed her dad, missed the way he would help train her in the back yard, giving her tips and tricks to keep control of the soccer ball. She missed her siblings, even if they drove her crazy sometimes. She missed singing in the car with her sisters, playing video games with Jeff. She missed going to school and seeing her friends. She missed soccer. She missed Christen. God, she missed her best friend.

But here she was in Phoenix. It was already warm, the Arizona sun beating down on her shoulders. She had just meant to come and bring the trash out, wanting to help clean up the house before Samuel got home, but now that she was outside…

She wanted to go home. She wanted her mom.

All up and down the street, she could see houses a lot like the one she and Samuel had been staying in. Theirs had light pink siding, along with a light blue door and scraggly yucca plants lining the driveway. The others were an array of other pastels, yellows and greens and blues. There weren’t a lot of people outside, just the general rush of traffic from being near the highway. If she strained her ears, she could hear some younger kids playing, but she couldn’t see them from where she was standing on the driveway.

She wanted to go home.

She turned away from the street and trudged around the side of the house, the unkempt grass poking at her feet around the edges of her flip flops. The back of the house wasn’t especially pretty, just a circle of lawn chairs and a barbecue grill on the edge of rusting. There were the remnants of what had once been a fence, but now it was nothing more than rotting boards, jutting up out of the ground.

If she squinted, she thought she could see the rise of buildings on the horizon. That must be city center. If she was able to get there, surely she could get some sort of bus back to Los Angeles. Was there some sort of train she could take? Or maybe, if she called her mom and apologized, she would buy her a plane ticket. She could remember when her family went to Dallas on vacation, the flight had been three hours nonstop. How long would a flight be from Phoenix to LAX?

“Tobin?”

She whipped around to find Samuel behind her. She had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts that hadn’t heard the car pull up, hadn’t heard the car door open or close.

“What are you doing? I told you to stay in the house.” His blue eyes were narrowed, focused completely on her.

“I know, I just… I wanted air.”

“There’s no air in the house?”

“No, there is, I just, I just wanted to be outside. I wanted to feel the sun.”

“Why wouldn’t you listen to me? It’s not safe, it’s-”

A car pulled into the house next door, and Samuel reached out, grabbing her arm and pulling her close.

“Get in the house. Right. Now.”

Before she could reply she was being hauled inside, tripping up the steps as she went. Once inside, he turned and slammed the door shut, locking it.

“Samuel, I-”

“I only told you one thing! I told you to stay in the house and you can’t even do it!”

“I was taking out the trash-”

“Bullshit. The trashcans are in the front.”

“I know! I threw out the trash and then I was just looking at the backyard.”

“What if someone saw you?”

“No one did! I promise.”

He sighed, rubbing at his forehead. “God. I want so badly to trust you, baby, but then you do stuff like this. How are we supposed to live together if I can’t trust you?”

She walked further into the living room, picking at the thumb on her right hand as she did. “You can trust me. But… I did want to talk to you.”

“What?”

She turned, attempting to swallow down her nerves. “I, I’ve been thinking. And, this week has been really great, really! But, um… I think it’s time for me to go home.”

His face showed nothing but shock. “What?”

“I just, I miss my mom and dad, and I’ve already missed so much school. And I know you said my mom was okay with everything, but I’m sure she’s worried about me. And I think I need to go back to California.”

He shook his head slowly. “Tobin… No, my work is here, I told you that. We need to be here. I can’t leave.”

“I…” She licked at her lips. “I need to go home. I’m really sorry.”

His face darkened. “I just told you that I have to stay here.”

“And I get that! I… I do. But I need to go home. I want to go home, I miss my parents.”

“What are you saying?”

She sucked in a deep breath. “I need to use your phone to call my mom. I’m going back to California. I can’t stay here with you”

She didn’t even see him move, just heard the crack of skin against skin along with a sharp pain blooming along her cheekbone, and then she was falling backwards. She awkwardly landed half on the couch before sliding to the beige carpet, cradling her face in her hands. When she lifted her head, Samuel was blurry, her eyes full of tears. She blinked several times and the tears fell, clearing her vision to reveal an irate Samuel.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“You, you hit me!” she stammered. What was happening? This wasn’t her Samuel, this wasn’t the person she loved.

“Well what do you expect after you tell me that you’re abandoning me?” he spat.

“No, no I’m not, I just, I need to go home, I need, I can’t-” Her tongue felt too thick in her mouth, and when she went to swallow it tasted like pennies. She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and found it smeared with blood.

“You can’t what? Be trusted? You said that you love me.”

“I do! I do love you, I just want to go home. I want my mom!”

He threw out his arms. “I’m not enough for you?”

She held up her arms, shielding her face. “I want to go, I have to go home!”

It was as if he crumbled before her very eyes, sinking down to the carpet. His face turned red as he began to sob, his whole body shaking. His hands fisted in his hair, yanking on it as he rocked back and forth. “Oh god. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, baby.”

Her chest ached. “Samuel…”

“God, I’m such a fuck up!” The last two words were loud, almost a scream. He finally stopped pulling at his hair, but then he began to smack his hands against his own head. She crawled forward out of instinct, pulling on his arms. He looked at her for a moment, and then she was in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Tobin. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you!” He pulled back and took her face in his hands, gently maneuvering it to see the damage. “Fuck. Tobin, I… I don’t know what came over me. I just, I’m so scared to lose you. You’re the only person who has ever made me feel like I’m worth something. Because you’re so, so good, and you make me feel strong and like I’m worth something.”

“You are worth something,” she whispered back. “You’re my everything.”

His tears renewed, and he leaned forward and kissed the corner of her mouth, making her hiss with pain. He shook his head slowly.

“I can’t even tell you how many times I saw my old man hit my mom. I mean, me and my sister got it pretty bad too, but he… he would just get so mad at her. He would fly off the handle and…” His eyes seemed a million miles away for a moment, then he turned to look at her again. “I always swore that I would be better. That I would always take care of the woman I loved. I wanted to be better than him.”

“You are.” Her voice came out cracked, no doubt from the tears she was desperately trying to hold back. “You are better. You love me, you just… made a mistake.”

He kissed her again, this time on the uninjured side of her face. “That’s exactly what it was. A mistake. And it will never happen again, angel. I promise.” He looked deep into her eyes. “Are we okay?”

She nodded, sniffing back the urge to cry. “Yeah.”

“Thank god. I love you, Tobin. And I always will.”

She felt something like warmth, from her fingertips to her toes. “I love you, too.”

X

When she woke up the next day, she found herself alone in their bed. This was altogether strange, Samuel was a habitual late sleeper, but she didn’t mind it. It allowed her the chance pull the covers up to her chin, staring up at the ceiling as she went over every single choice she could ever remember making, wondering how it had all led to this point.

Eventually though, she had to pee, so she reluctantly climbed out of the bed and went down the hall.

The mirror showed where her lip had split yesterday, as well as the very beginnings of a bruise on her jaw. It throbbed when she prodded it with her finger, and made a mental note to take some aspirin after she ate breakfast.

She found Samuel waiting for her in the living room, his eyes sad. “Good morning, angel.”

“Morning.”

He patted next to him on the couch and she sat down. He grimaced as he looked over her face. “Does it hurt too bad?”

She shook her head, knowing that a lie would be kinder to him than the truth.

“Good.” He took a deep breath. “We need to talk.”

“Okay?”

“Yesterday you said that you wanted to go home to your family.”

She nodded. “It, it’s nothing to do with you. I just miss them. I’m homesick.”

“And I get that, baby. I really do. But… there’s something you should know.” He picked up a piece of paper off the coffee table. “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

“When we came here, I told you that I called your mom and told her what was going on. The truth is, I’ve been talking to your parents for a while now.”

Now she was even more confused. Samuel had been speaking with her parents? Why hadn’t they said something?

He glanced at the paper in his hands, then up at her, biting his lip. “I didn’t want to show you this because I knew it would hurt you. I thought that if I brought you here that I could be good enough…”

“You are good enough.”

He gave her a sad smile. “Thanks, baby. I just… well, here. Read this. But just know that I didn’t want to have to show it to you.”

She took the paper, seeing that it was an email that had been printed off. She immediately recognized her dad’s work email at the top.

_Samuel,_

_Cindy and I have been talking it over, and there’s nothing more to discuss. Unfortunately, we can’t do this anymore._

_We’ve tried, God knows we have tried to love her. We thought that she would be like her sisters, but she’s just not. But no matter what we do, she always seems to disappoint us. We had been planning on sticking it out until she graduated from high school, but this is a better arrangement for everyone involved. We worry every passing day that whatever this darkness is that lies inside of her will infect our other children, and we can’t stand by and let that happen. They deserve better, and so do we._

_She’s your responsibility now. We’re turning off her cell phone after you take her, and we don’t wish to be contacted again. We’ll have to go to the police to save face, but after we explain everything, I’m sure they’ll just accept that she ran away._

_I hope you realize what you’re getting yourself into, but either way, there’s no going back. We don’t want her back._

_Good luck._

_Jeffrey Heath_

The sobs were in her throat, choking her, so much so that she thought she might vomit. When she chanced a look up at Samuel, he gave her a pitying smile.

“I don’t understand,” she gasped. “I mean, I don’t get it! What about me is so wrong? What did I do for them to kick me out?”

“I don’t know. I mean, think: is there anything about you that would make them feel that way about you?”

Unbidden, a voice from the back of her mind piped up. _They know. They know that you like girls, and they’re disgusted by it._

She shook her head frantically. “I’ve tried so hard to be good!” she insisted. “I’ve tried everything, can’t they see that? I’ve only ever tried to make them proud of me.”

“I know, baby. I know.” He pulled her into his lap, and she buried her face in the side of his neck, crying until she felt completely wrung out. When she finally quieted down to hiccupy whimpers, she pulled back to look at him.

“So I can never go back? Not ever?”

He sadly shook his head. “It doesn’t sound like it. I’m so sorry. Like I said, I knew you would be upset, I didn’t want to show it to you-”

“No,” she cut in. “I’m glad you did. It’s better that I know.” She wiped at her cheeks, wincing when she accidentally pressed on her growing bruise. “It’s better this way.”

He brushed her hair back. “It is. And I mean, look at it this way: Sure, they don’t want you, but I do. I love you so much, and I will never stop. I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

“Do you promise?” she asked, her voice breaking again.

He pulled her in, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: @thetheatrelady


	18. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions between Tobin and Little Jeff come to a boiling point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday! If you're in Texas, I hope you're staying safe and warm.

She stood in the backyard, staring out. The sun was just beginning to go down, painting the sky a fantastical array of pinks, purples and golds. Maybe if Tobin was in a better mood, she would have found it beautiful. As it was, she didn’t see a lot of beauty in anything anymore.

She brought her hand up to her mouth, wrapping her lips around the filter of her cigarette. Really, getting the pack of smokes had been a fluke, she’d watched them fall out of the back pocket of a guy’s jeans as he was standing up to leave the restaurant her family had been eating in. She’d simply excused herself to use the bathroom and picked them up, secreting them back to the table in her waistband.

She’d started smoking when she lived with Samuel; not often, just bumming one off of one of their friends every now and then when she needed to take the edge off. To be honest, she preferred pot. She liked the smell better, liked the after effects better. But beggars couldn’t be choosers, so a cigarette would have to do.

There had only been four left in the pack, so she had been doing her best to make them last. She would smoke half of one on the rare occasions she had the house to herself, or times like now when she could feel the anxiousness and irritability beginning to course through her veins.

She took another drag, holding the smoke in her lungs for several moments before slowly exhaling it up into the evening air.

The back door opened. “Tobin?”

She hurriedly dropped the cigarette to the ground, snuffing it out with her sneaker and kicking it beneath one of the big flowerpots. “Yeah, yeah one sec!”

But her mom had already rounded the corner. “What are you-” She watched as her nostrils flared, her forehead wrinkling. “What is that-” She broke off again, giving her daughter a look of horror. “Are you smoking?”

“What? No!” Tobin shrugged her shoulders. “I was just hanging out. It must be coming over the fence.”

Cindy’s eyes narrowed. “One of the McLeod’s were smoking? You mean Mr. McLeod, who has lung cancer? Or his pregnant daughter who moved home to help take care of him after his wife passed away?”

Tobin shrugged again. “I don’t know, I guess.” She brushed by her mom and hurried into the house, intent on getting upstairs and into the shower.

No luck. Her mom caught hold of her elbow just a few steps from the staircase, turning Tobin to face her.

“Are you really going to stand there and lie to my face?”

“I’m not,” Tobin bit back defensively.

Cindy pulled her closer, smelling her hair, her tee shirt, her hands. “Yes, you are! You were smoking!”

Dangerous shivers ran up and down Tobin’s spine. “So what if I was?”

Cindy looked as if she had been slapped. “So what if you were?! Tobin, you’re seventeen!”

Her chest was tight, her skin hot and pricky, but she couldn’t seem to shut up. “Exactly, I’m practically an adult, I can take care of myself. I have been for years!”

Her mom couldn’t hide the flash of hurt that crossed her face. “That’s not fair, Tobin. I never asked you to do that. No one did.”

_‘God knows we have tried to love her. We thought that she would be like her sisters, but she’s just not. But no matter what we do, she always seems to disappoint us-’_

Tobin screwed up her face. “Stop trying to run my life. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of this!”

“Then why don’t you go already!”

She whipped around to find Jeff standing in the doorway to the dining room. “Fuck off, Jeff!”

“No! If being here sucks so bad, why don’t you just fucking go?”

“Jeffrey! Tobin, stop this-”

“Mind your business!” Tobin snarled.

He gave a cruel laugh. “Don’t you get it? Your business is my business! From the moment you went off with that creep, everything revolved around you! And it didn’t matter what anyone else did, how perfect Katie was, how skinny Perry got, nothing fucking mattered but you... And you don’t even care! You would rather be off somewhere with that dick bag, making another baby to kill-”

Before she knew what she was doing, Tobin had thrown herself at her younger brother, taking them both to the ground. For a moment she had the upper hand by virtue of surprise, and was able to get in one square slap. But then, Jeff used his weight to flip them over, was hauling back his hand, and Tobin couldn’t stop herself from flinching, a ragged gasp tearing from her lips as she anticipated a sting of pain that didn’t come.

When she pried her eyes open, Jeff was staring down at her with an unreadable expression on his face. She chanced a glance at her mom, only to find her clinging to the back of the couch, tears streaming down her face.

“He hit you, didn’t he?”

She refocused on Jeff. “Get off of me,” she sniffed, her voice drained of fight. He did as she said, and she came to sitting, brushing her hand beneath her eyes.

“Didn’t he?” her brother repeated.

She didn’t want to look at him, instead digging her nail into the angry, red skin along her thumb nail, picking at a hangnail. “I… It’s…”

He reached out, taking her hand in his. “Tobin.”

“What?”

He squeezed her fingers. “I’m sorry. That was fucked up, I shouldn’t have said that. You know, about the…” He trailed off, then took a deep breath. “I’m just really scared.”

“Of what?” she scoffed.

“Of losing you again,” he whispered. When she raised her eyes, she was surprised to see that he was crying too. “I’m worried that I’ll get used to you being here and then one day I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”

“You don’t even want me here.”

“Yes, I do.” He sniffed back his tears. “I just… I don’t get why you left, why we weren’t enough.”

She shook her head. “It’s not… that wasn’t it. I was the one who wasn’t enough.”

Cindy kneeled in front of them, reaching out to cup their faces in her hands. “You _are_ enough, Tobin. You always have been. All four of you are so, so good. And all we have ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy and healthy.” She looked back and forth between the two of them. “I’m sorry if we somehow failed to make you see how much we love you.” She leaned forward, pressing a kiss first to Jeff’s forehead, then Tobin’s. “My babies. My sweet, sweet babies.”

Something that Tobin had been pushing down for weeks now came bubbling up to the surface. “But what about the email?”

Cindy pulled back, giving her a confused look. “What email?”

“The one that Dad sent to Samuel. The one saying that I was a disappointment and that you were washing your hands of me?” The words escaped before she could swallow them back. “Did you really think he wouldn’t show me eventually?”

She shook her head. “Tobin, what are you talking about?”

Tobin wrapped her arms around herself. “The email, Mom! The one that Dad sent, saying that I was Samuel’s responsibility and that I couldn’t come back.” It had been years but it still cut just as deep.

Cindy took her face in her hands. “Tobin. We never sent any kind of communication to him, ever. We didn’t even know he existed until Stacy brought Christen over.” She leaned in closer, her eyes searching Tobin’s. “I swear to you, sweetheart.”

“But… But I saw it!”

“On his computer?”

“No, he had printed it out. It, it had Dad’s work email at the top!”

She watched as her mom blinked several times. “Honey… He must have photoshopped it in.”

“No, he-”

“Tobin. I swear on my life that we have never spoken to Samuel. Not in person, not on the phone, and definitely not over email.”

She felt dizzy, like she could puke. “I don’t understand…”

“Tobin…”

She pulled away, getting to her feet. “Why would he… I don’t… I…” Unable to find any decent words, she turned and stepped over her brother, hurrying up the stairs and slamming the door behind her,

Why would Samuel have lied to her? He must have known how that email would hurt her, why fake it?

Or was her mom lying? Or had perhaps her dad sent it independently of her mom?

Who was telling the truth? Who could she really trust?

X

“How have you been, Tobin?”

She stared at Laura for a few moments before sliding further down in her chair. “Fine.”

“Are you sure about that?”

She nabbed a pen off of the table beside her and began to spin it through her fingers. “Yeah. The pills are working, I sleep better now.”

“That’s really good, I’m glad.”

“Yeah.” She kept her eyes on the pen. “Hey Laura?”

“Yes?”

“How can you tell if you’re in love?”

She watched as the woman sat back in her chair, seeming to ponder the question. “I think it feels a little different for everyone. I don’t think there’s a quiz you can take, if that’s what you’re asking.” She chuckled. “Although, to be fair I haven’t checked Buzzfeed lately.” She smiled. “Why do you ask?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like… I’ve spent a lot of time with people telling me what to think and how to feel. To the point where I don’t really know what I actually feel.”

“Do you know anyone who’s in love?"

Tobin chewed on her bottom lip. “I thought my parents were. But then I came back and they were divorced.”

“Well, first of all, just because someone gets a divorce doesn’t mean they don’t love each other any more. Sometimes you love each other so much that you have to let them go so that they can be happy.”

Tobin rolled her eyes. “So you think I should let Samuel go?”

“I didn’t say that. Do you think you should let Samuel go?”

“I can’t,” she replied automatically. “He… he’s my boyfriend. We’re together.”

“What does that mean to you, him being your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. That we love each other. That we’re going to get married someday.”

“Do you want to marry Samuel?”

“That’s what I just said.” Laura wrote something down in her notebook. “But anyway, I don’t know when I’ll see him again.”

“Do you think Samuel loves you?” She nodded. “How does he show you?”

Tobin furrowed her eyebrows. “You… you want to hear about us having sex?”

Laura shook her head. “Tobin, love is way more than what happens between two people in their bedroom. Love is about how they treat each other. How they listen, how they help when you’re having a bad day.”

“Oh.”

“Although, we definitely can talk about your sex life if you want.”

“No.” Tobin’s answer was immediate.

“Okay.” Laura waited for a few minutes. “So how did Samuel show you that he cared about you?”

She let out an unsure sigh. “He would… I don’t know, take me shopping sometimes. Buy me clothes and stuff. And sometimes we would cuddle on the couch. But usually that would end up with us…” She trailed off and Laura nodded.

“Do you think your dad was a good husband to your mom?”

“I don’t know, I guess.”

“Why?”

“He… I don’t know! He just took care of her.”

“And do you think your mom was a good wife?”

Tobin thought it over. “Yeah. I think so.”

Laura leaned forward. “Let me ask this: when you were a little girl, did you picture growing up and getting married?” Tobin nodded. “How did you picture your future spouse showing you love?”

Tobin took a minute to really think about it. “I… There was a commercial that was always on, for a fireplace company. And it would show the couple coming in from outside where it was snowing. And they would take off all of their snow clothes and sit on the couch in front of the fire. He would bring her hot chocolate and she took a drink and got whipped cream on her nose and then he would wipe it off. And… yeah. It was super low key, but it all just seemed so nice. So warm.” She looked up at Laura. “Is that what love is? Warmth?”

Laura smiled. “Maybe that’s what it is for you. A lot of times warmth can represent safety and security. Do you feel warmth around your family?”

“I mean, when I’m not fighting with my brother, or getting in trouble with my mom… Yeah. It feels warm.”

“Do you feel warmth with your friends?” She nodded.

“And what about with Samuel? All the things we’ve talked about, warmth, safety, security, did you feel those with him?”

She swallowed thickly. “Yes,” she said, but from the look on Laura’s face, they both knew she wasn’t quite telling the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: @thetheatrelady


	19. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samuel takes Tobin to Mexico, and more than one border is crossed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday to Crystal Dunn and Crystal Dunn ONLY
> 
> (Just kidding, Happy Monday to you guys to :) )
> 
> TW for drugs and sexual content

“I still don’t understand,” Tobin said. “Where are we going?”

“I told you, it’s a surprise.” Samuel lifted their intertwined hands from the console and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. “You just have to wait and see.”

Tobin sat back further in her seat, her free hand dangling out the open window. She had been woken up by a nearly giddy Samuel. He didn’t tell her anything past that they were going on a vacation and that she needed to pack a bag. He implied that the bag needed to be heavy on swimsuits and sandals, but didn’t give any other hints. They had stopped for lunch at a diner in a town called Florence, and from what she could tell they were heading South, but the landscape was nothing but sand and open highway.

“Alright, here we go.” Her eyes snapped open- she hadn’t even realized that she had closed them- and found herself staring at a border check point.

“Wait, wha-” She shook her head. “I don’t have my passport.”

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ve taken care of everything.” He held up two passports and grinned. “Just smile and let me do the talking.”

She swallowed thickly as her drove forward, rolling down his window. He chatted with the border patrol agent, joking about getting away for the weekend. She did as she was told, not saying a word.

They were passed through with no problems, and when they were on the Mexico side, Tobin let out a deep breath.

“You alright?” She glanced over at Samuel and he smiled. “Why were you so stressed?”

“I just…” She gave her head a little shake. “What are we doing in Mexico?”

“It’s a little vacation! Some well-deserved R and R. Well, a little work first, but you don’t mind, right?”

She gave a close lipped smile. She had helped Samuel with work several times over the past year and a half. She didn’t like it by any means, the whole business made her nervous, but when he would hold her close and whisper how important she was to him and how this was for their future, how could she possibly refuse?

The business portion thankfully went fast, Tobin translating as Samuel and his contact haggled over the price and quantity of what was being sold, both of the men sizing each other up as they did so. When the deal was finally set, Tobin stayed at the table in the restaurant, watching through the window as boxes were loaded into the back of Samuel’s car. When it was all done, he shook the man’s hand and gestured for Tobin to follow him. As she stood up, the other man did too. He reached out for Tobin’s hand and shook it, his fingers squeezing just a little too hard as he stared into her face.

“Gracias, mija. Pero cuidarse.”

“Gracias. Hasta luego.” She pulled her hand from his and followed Samuel to the car.

Once inside, he pulled her close, kissing her hard. “Now that’s what I’m talking about! God, you gotta love that private school education.” He pulled back and started the car. “What did he say as we were leaving?”

She turned to look out the window. “Nothing. Just thank you, see you next time.” The lie tasted bitter on her tongue. She turned the man’s words over in her mind. What had he been warning her about? Why did she need to be careful?

Less than an hour later they were at the coast, staring out over beautiful crystal blue water. Samuel parked the car and they got out, pulling their luggage along the pier.

“What do you think?”

“it’s, it’s beautiful!” She couldn’t keep her eyes off the water, the pristine white beaches, it looked like something out of a movie. “Are we staying here? Did you get us a hotel room?”

“I got us something even better. Cameron!” She pulled her eyes away to see a man standing at the end of the beach. He grinned as they came nearer.

“Sam man! Been way too long. I thought you’d forgotten about me!”

“Yeah, yeah, well I’m here now.” They pulled each other into a back slappy hug. “Cameron, this is Tobin. Baby, this is Cameron, one of my best friends.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

He gave her a blatant up and down. “Well aren’t you a pretty one?” He leaned in and kissed her cheek before grabbing her bag. “Alright, all aboard!” He effortlessly hopped aboard a large boat that was tied to the dock.

“Wait, really?” Tobin asked.

Samuel laughed, handing up his luggage to Cameron. “Have you never been on a boat before?” She shook her head no. “Oh, you’re in for a treat. Well unless Cameron capsizes the thing,” he laughed, earning a good natured middle finger from his friend. He helped swing Tobin up onto the boat.

Cameron untied them from the dock and started the engine, steering them out into the open water. The wind whipped her hair about her face and the waves splashed against the sides of the boat, coating everything in a fine mist.

After about twenty minutes, the boat slowed, coming to a stop. Tobin stood up and slowly turned in a circle, realizing that they had left the Mexican coast far behind, out of sight. She caught Cameron staring at her and blushed slightly, embarrassed at how clueless she must look. “So how did you and Samuel meet?” she asked.

“Me and the Sam man? Oh we go wayyyy back. What, junior high?” Samuel nodded as he popped the top off his beer. “Yeah. Our grandparents lived next door to each other. So I’ve known your boyrfriend since he was jacking off to Megan Fox.”

“Hey! Shut your mouth, okay? Megan Fox is still hotter than any bitch you’ve ever bagged,” Samuel laughed.

She laughed along with them, even though she didn’t really think it was funny. “So where did your grandparents live?”

Samuel cut in before Cameron could answer. “Listen, let’s let the dead stay dead. Tobs, the aux plug in is over there by the steering wheel, why don’t you put on some music? And Cameron have you got food aboard this shithole or what?”

She didn’t miss the way that Samuel completely shut down the topic of his past, the way he almost always did when it came up. But she knew that pushing would only irritate him, so she swallowed her questions, instead putting on music like he’d asked, choosing an upbeat, dancey playlist. When she turned around Cameron was handing her a margarita. The lime exploded on her tongue, but it wasn’t quite enough to soften the burn of the tequila.

She sipped on the drink, laying back on one of the benches as Samuel and Cameron talked and joked, going about making a makeshift dinner from the things they found in the fridge below deck. Her margarita was followed by another, and then a third, and by the time the sun was splitting into a dazzling sunset, Tobin felt warm and soft, her entire body loose in the best way possible.

Samuel sat down beside her and pulled a plastic baggy out of his pocket. Inside were a handful of pink pills. Samuel shook out two and popped one in his mouth before offering the other one to her.

“What is that?”

He brushed her hair back behind her ear. “It’ll make you feel amazing.”

“But what is it?”

He smiled, his eyes crinkling. “C’mon angel, don’t you trust me?”

She took the pill from him and placed it on her tongue, swallowing it down. She was rewarded with a kiss.

“Just wait until you feel it.” He pulled her to her feet and they began to dance, both of their movements a little sloppy from being drunk on tequila and the sun. After about twenty minutes however, the already beautiful colors of the sunset began to turn into a kaleidoscope, one that seemed to steal the breath out of Tobin’s chest.

Samuel gently tugged on her hands, and suddenly they were below deck and in the bedroom. They were kissing, his tongue on hers, his fingers in her hair, her hands pulling on his swim trunks. The bed was soft, so soft, like a cloud beneath her as they fell back, already pulling at each other’s clothes. Even just his breath on her skin felt like a caress. She heard a weird, breathy moaning, and then realized that it was her, that those noises were coming from her mouth.

“Room for one more?” She pried her eyes open to see Cameron standing in the doorway, already completely undressed. The small part of her brain that wasn’t still luxuriating in how damn good she felt started to protest. She didn’t even know this guy! She didn’t want to have sex with him, she just wanted to have sex with her boyfried.

But then Samuel was kissing up her throat, pulling at her earlobe with his teeth. “What do you think, angel?”

“I want you,” she breathed.

“And you have me, I’m right here. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be good guests, hm?”

The bed dipped near her knee and she turned to see Cameron kneeling on the other side of her. “I…”

“Tobin. Please? For me?”

She looked deep into his eyes, getting lost for a moment in the blue, then nodded. “For you.”

X

She woke up to her jean shorts smacking her in the face. She flinched backwards, accidentally knocking her head into Samuel behind her. He groaned and she mumbled out an apology, still trying to wake up enough to open her eyes.

When she finally did, she found Samuel’s irate face just inches from her own.

Then who was behind her?

She jerked upright and turned to see Cameron, naked. She shifted, realizing she was also naked, and memories of the night before came flooding back to her.

“Samuel…”

“Get up. Get dressed.”

“What-”

“Hurry up! We’re leaving.” He turned and stalked to the other end of the cabin, and she dutifully slid out of bed, wrapping up in the sheet. She grabbed her bag from the dresser. She didn’t understand what was happening. Was Samuel mad? Why?

“I, I need to shower.”

He turned to glare at her. “Then maybe you should have thought about that before you got so dirty.”

Her face flushed but she pressed on. Her skin felt… it was itchy. She could feel… stuff on her, and she really needed the chance to wash it all off before putting on her clothes. “Please Samuel, just a quick shower-”

“Didn’t I already fucking tell you no?” he asked.

“Ease up, dude,” Cameron grunted from the bed, rolling onto his back. “Let her take a shower. Or better yet,” he grinned, propping himself up on his elbows, “Let’s have some more fun. Your girl’s a freak, and I have some ideas-”

“Fuck off,” he snarled. He strode forward, grabbing Tobin by the arm. “Get dressed, right now, or I’m going to throw you into the water and you can wash off with the sharks. Got it?” She nodded and he turned to Cameron. “Take us back to shore.”

She was so, so tired, but she fumbled through pulling on clothes, trying to ignore Samuel’s fuming and Cameron’s blatant staring from the bed. Once she had pulled a tank top over her swim suit, she glanced at her reflection in the mirror on the closet door. Her hair was gross, she’d have to pull it up into a bun. She also had some mascara smudged underneath her eyes. _Waterproof my ass,_ she thought grumpily. She grabbed the sheet from the ground and tried to wipe it away.

“Who are you getting pretty for?”

She looked up at Samuel. “No one, I just-”

“Get your shit and get to the deck.”

“Okay, Okay-“ But he had already disappeared. She gathered her things and put them back in her bag, sluggishly making her way upstairs. Whatever they had taken last night had left her drained, like she could fall asleep at any moment. She sat down on one of the benches and laid her head down, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed.

“Land ho!” She jerked her head up- had she fallen asleep? -to see the shore coming into view. Samuel disappeared below and Cameron gave a low laugh. “Don’t you worry little songbird. He’ll be fine, he’s just coming down. I always forget how pissy he gets. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” she answered honestly.

He handed her a bottle of water. “Make sure to hydrate today, it’ll help.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled.

“Don’t mention it, songbird.” He stroked his fingertips through her hair.

She couldn’t help but scowl at him, shrugging away. “’M not a bird.”

He grinned and leaned in closer. “Oh but I sure did make you sing.”

“Cameron.” Tobin jumped at Samuel’s voice behind her, and Cameron straightened up.

“Yes, el capitán?” he answered sarcastically.

“Dock the fucking boat.” Cameron stepped away and Tobin got shakily to her feet, already dreading the rest of today.

Once in the car, Samuel turned the radio off, apparently preferring to stew in silence, so Tobin leaned her head against the door, letting her eyes fall shut. She fell almost instantly into a light, dreamless sleep, before the car slammed to a stop, making her pitch forward against her seat belt. She squinted her eyes open to find nothing but hills, sand and cacti.

Samuel threw his door open and stalked around the car, tearing hers open as well. He leaned across her and unbuckled her seatbelt, pulling her from the car. He took a few steps then threw her onto the ground, making her cry out.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t leave you here for the fucking coyotes.”

“Samuel, please!”

“Tell me! Tell me why I shouldn’t wash my hands of you!”

She pushed up onto her knees and grabbed at his shirt. “Samuel, I love you. I love you so much-”

“You love me so much that you would cheat on me?!”

She blinked up at him in confusion. “What? No!”

“Are you really going to deny it? When you have his come in your hair?” He grabbed a handful and used it to haul her to her feet.

“His might be in my hair, but where’s yours?” Tobin quickly asked. He narrowed his eyes at her, but didn’t respond, so she kept talking, fisting her hands in his shirt and pulling him close. “That’s right. Inside of me. Because I’m yours. I’m yours, Samuel. No one else’s.”

His eyes began to tear up. “Then why would you do this to me?”

She shook her head, ignoring the urge to point out that the whole thing had been Cameron’s idea, that Samuel was the one who’d asked her to do it, that none of this was really her fault. She knew none of that mattered to him right now. “I’m sorry, baby. Let me make it up to you. Let me prove that you’re the only person I love.”

“Are you lying?” he spat.

“No,” she insisted, and she wasn’t. Samuel was her world. Without him she had nothing. Without him she _was_ nothing. “I love you so much. You’re the man I’m going to marry, we’re going to have a house full of kids-”

“All boys,” he injected, and she nodded, willing to agree to anything to appease him.

“All boys,” she repeated.

The hand in her hair relaxed, sliding down to palm her cheek. “You’re gonna be my wife,” he sniffed.

She smiled, nodding. “Yes.”

“You’re _mine_. No one else’s. If I ever see you with another man-”

“You won’t,” she assured him. “Never. Just you.”

“Just me.” He pressed his lips to hers. “You drive me crazy, Tobin.” He pulled her into a tight hug.

She stared out over his shoulder, at the endless expanse of desert. “I know,” she breathed. “I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: @thetheatrelady


	20. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin attends Christen's soccer game and realizes just how much she has missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! I hope this Found Friday finds you happy, healthy, and sane.
> 
> Also, Happy Purim to any of my Jewish readers!

Tobin pulled open her closet door and pushed all the clothes on the bar to one side. Reaching back, she pulled out a duffel bag, one left over from overnight soccer trips and camps when she was in junior high. Inside was an old sweater that didn’t fit anymore. She paused for a moment, listening for any sound of someone coming up the stairs. Hearing nothing, she knelt down and unfolded the sweater on the ground, revealing the golden necklace it had been hiding.

She picked it up by its delicate chain, letting it dangle from her fingers. Even in the dim light of her bedroom, the gold gleamed bright and shiny.

She remembered when he had given it to her, how she had felt like the only girl in the entire world.

_“You really didn’t have to get me anything.”_

_Samuel smiled, pushing the box towards her. “I wanted to. You’re my girl, you deserve to be spoiled.”_

_She blushed and tore the ribbons off, flipping open the box before gasping. “Samuel!”_

_“Do you like it?” Nestled in the satin packaging was a necklace, the gold gleaming under the lights. How many times had she seen girls wearing these necklaces, seen them on display at the mall, seen her own sister, Katie, get one for her birthday, and burned with secret jealousy? Tobin was never one of the names offered, and her parents had insisted that getting one custom ordered was a waste of money when she would surely break it or lose it in a locker room. This necklace didn’t say Tobin, however. The intricate script spelled out the word ‘Angel’._

_She lifted her eyes. “Angel?”_

_He nodded, his eyes soft and warm. “Angel. Because God sent you here to save me. We were made to be together.”_

_“I, I love it. Really.” She leaned forward and kissed him. “Will you put it on me?” He took it from her and she turned around, holding her hair out of the way as he fastened it for her. It brushed against her collarbones, feeling strangely heavy for such a delicate piece of jewelry._

_“There you go. You look beautiful. Perfect as usual.”_

She sighed, chewing on her lip. If she could go back to that moment, what would she tell her younger self? Would she tell her to run, to get the fuck away as soon as she had the chance? Or would she take one look at Samuel and the love in his eyes, and kiss him hard, press him back into the bed like she had that day but this time with more confidence and experience?

Another memory of the necklace resurfaced, this one of a cold room and an uncomfortable chair, hunger gnawing at her stomach until she was certain she would throw up or pass out.

_She sighed, her eyes on the table. “I… I know it’s wrong. I’m not a bad person. But I, I was just…” she swallowed thickly, overcome with frustration._

_“You were starving.” She nodded again. “That’s perfectly understandable.”_

_“I’m really sorry.”_

_“It’s okay.” The police officer folded his hands together. “I like your necklace.” She brought a hand up, rubbing at the golden script. “Is that your name? Angel?”_

_She shook her head._

_“I want to help you.”_

_She didn’t answer._

What about that day? Would she change anything? Would she be more careful not to get caught?

Maybe. But then she wouldn’t have been brought home. She wouldn’t have seen her mom or dad or siblings or Christen-

“Tobin! We’re going to be late, honey!” Tobin flinched, then hurriedly wrapped her necklace back up in the sweater, returning it to the duffel bag and returning it to its hiding spot in the closet. Her mom hadn’t told her she couldn’t wear it, but Tobin could feel it, unspoken.

She pulled her Jordans on and hurried down the stairs, pulling her hair into a ponytail. Her mom was already standing by the front door, keys in hand. “Ready?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” She followed her out to the car.

Today was Griffith Academy’s last home game before going into playoffs. It was also the first time Cindy had convinced Tobin to attend, despite Christen’s multiple invites.

They got there just a few minutes before the match was set to begin, and settled into the stands. Cindy even gave Tobin some money to go to the concession stand, although her eyebrows had pinched together as she watched her make her way around the metal bleachers.

She was back with their waters and popcorn before the game began, and she took a second to take a deep breath. This was fine, totally fine. Yes, this was her old school, the school she thought she would eventually play for at the high school level, the school she and Christen had sworn that they would take to state, but it wasn’t anymore. It wasn’t her school or her team or her teammates. She was just here to watch as a friend, it was completely casual.

And then the first whistle blew.

Tobin could barely stay in her seat, her head whipping from side to side as she followed the ball back and forth. She could feel her feet twitching and moving, her knees bouncing up and down as if she could help control the ball through sheer force of will.

The team was pretty good, and it was easy to see how they had made the playoffs, but no one came even close to Christen. She was fast, much faster than when they had been kids. Her long legs seemed to carry her up and down the pitch effortlessly, running circles around the other team’s defenders.

Thirty minutes in, a slide tackle took her to the ground and Tobin was on her feet before she could stop herself. “That’s a yellow!” she yelled earning herself some curious looks from the people around her. Her mom tugged her back down. “She barely caught any ball!”

“I know, but take it easy,” Cindy chided.

On the field, Christen was being helped to her feet, stretching her leg, giving it some tentative swings before giving her coach and the ref a thumbs up and jogging back into position. The spectators all began to clap and Tobin joined in, bringing her fingers to her mouth to whistle loudly.

Christen bagged her first goal in the 42nd minute, but the other team evened the score right before the whistle blew for half time. One of Chris’s teammates scored in the 56th minute, bringing them 2-1, and then in the 88th minute Christen slotted a beautiful kick into the upper right hand corner. Her teammates mobbed her, hugging her and swinging her around. Tobin yelled along with the rest of the crowd, celebrating an incredible goal, but she couldn’t help the pangs of jealousy that were ringing through her chest.

_That should be you, this was supposed to be your team, this should be your win._

She tried to push the thoughts away, but it seemed like they just multiplied, piling onto her shoulders until she had to sit back down. Up until this moment, she had been aware of the things she had missed with her family, but now… now she was realizing the enormity of what she had missed. She had never played high school soccer, much less experienced the joy of moving up to varsity. She hadn’t been called up for camps, at a state level or national level. Even school, something she had never loved, was something that had been taken from her. And how was that fair? Had Samuel ever considered what he was stealing from her when he made the decision to take her to Arizona?

“Tobin, are you okay?” She blinked and realized that the game had ended and everyone was gathering up their thigs to leave. Her mom was staring at her, her face concerned.

“Yeah! Yeah, I just…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I realized how much I miss soccer. And how much soccer I missed. Y’know?”

She reached out and squeezed Tobin’s knee. “Yeah. I do know.”

“But Chris was great!” She shook off the sadness threatening to overwhelm her. “She’s so good!”

“Well, let’s go tell her!” Tobin followed her down to the door of the field house, where the other families we clustered, waiting for their respective players.

Christen came out and was immediately pulled into a hug by her dad, picking her clean off the ground. Tobin could hear her giggling as he shook her back and forth, telling her how proud he was. When he finally released her back onto the ground, she turned and caught sight of Tobin.

“Tobs! Hey!” She threw her arms around her, surprising them both. “Sorry,” Christen laughed, pulling back. “I must smell awful.”

“No, you-” Tobin shook her head. “Chris, you were so good out there! Like, unbelievable.”

“Thanks,” she smiled.

“But how do you feel? Man, when number ten took you down…”

Christen shrugged. “I’m okay. It hurt in the moment but now I’m good. Just hungry!” She gave Tobin a bright smile. “I think a group of us are going out for pizza, do you wanna come?”

“Oh! Nah, I mean, you should hang out with your friends.”

Christen waved her hand. “No you should totally come, they’d love to have you. I mean,” she turned to Cindy, “If it’s okay with you?”

She looked back and forth between them, seeing the cautiously hopeful look on her daughter’s face. “Um… yeah, I think that would be okay.” She pulled out her wallet and handed Tobin some cash. “Here’s some money for food, and I guess you can just call me when you’re done and I’ll come pick you up?”

“I can bring her home, I’m driving,” Christen supplied.

Cindy nodded. “Okay. Well, don’t be out too late, and keep your phone on please.”

“Of course.” Tobi gave her a hug and kissed her cheek. “Thank you!” she called over her shoulder as she followed Christen through the crowd. Cindy waved and took a deep breath.

It was all just baby steps.

X

Pizza with Christen’s team was a lot of fun. Some girls Tobin remembered from when she went there, her and Allie in particular had fallen right back in with each other, joking and laughing until Tobin accidentally spewed Mountain Dew out of her nose. She had pretty much completely forgotten about her moment of sadness by the time she and Christen were climbing into her car.

“Man I love Harry. She just gets me.”

“Why did you guys call each other Harry again?”

Tobin paused for a moment, then cracked up. “I can’t even remember. We just did.”

“Well I’m glad you came out for pizza. Did you have fun at the game?”

She hesitated just a moment too long before replying, “Yeah! Of course!”

“Are… are you sure?” Christen glanced over at her.

“No, I did! I really did, I just…” She took a deep breath. “I miss it, y’know? And I didn’t realize how much until I was watching you guys. I can’t even remember the last time I played.”

Christen nodded, not saying anything, then suddenly threw on the brakes. She put on her turn signal and made a U turn, driving the opposite direction.

“Woah, what are you doing?”

“We’re going to the field.”

“What- no, Chris, I didn’t mean… I mean, it’s late, and you played a full 90 today.”

“So what? I’ll just count it as extra conditioning.” She pulled into the parking lot and parked the car, grabbing a ball out of the backseat. Tobin had no choice but to follow her as she ducked under the turnstile.

Christen didn’t stop until she was in the centre circle. She dropped the ball then turned to look at Tobin with a grin. “You ready?”

Tobin chuckled, unprepared for the nerves building in her stomach. “I don’t know. I mean, I might not remember how to… well, do anything.”

Christen rolled her eyes and took a little step forward. “Tobin, soccer lives in your bones. The way you were talking about it at dinner? It’s still there, I promise.”

“Well I definitely won’t be as fast as you.”

This earned her a cheeky grin. “You never were, why would that change now?”

Tobin’s mouth dropped open in mock offense. “So rude! You know what, just for that-” she darted forward, pulling the ball towards her and took off towards the goal, Christen hot on her heels.

Being back on the pitch… it was indescribable. It was like the air had come back into her lungs after being trapped under water. For the most part Christen was right, it all came flooding back to her, the way to keep the ball in her control, to change directions and speeds as needed. Of course, she wasn’t nearly at Christen’s level, but she still gave her a fair fight, at one point sending the ball spinning between her legs.

Christen came to a stop, throwing up her hands. “Are you kidding me?!”

Tobin grinned. “I mean, you might have the speed, but it looks like I have the skill,” she teased.

She laughed, clasping her hands behind her head as they caught their breath. “We’ll have to keep practicing. If you can nutmeg me that easy, they’re going to laugh me off the pitch at Stanford.”

Tobin froze. “What?”

Christen’s eyes went wide, then she blushed. “Oh. I mean… yeah. I had offers from a few schools but I decided on Stanford. I went ahead and committed and everything, so…”

Tobin stared for a few seconds, overwhelmed, then she threw her arm around Christen, spinning her around and around, making her laugh.

“My best friend is going to Stanford!!!”

“You dork, you’re gonna make me throw up!”

Tobin put her down, and they found themselves close, their faces just a few inches apart. Christen’s breath was still coming in pants, and it tickled across Tobin’s cheeks, making her shiver. She realized she was staring at Christen’s lips and raised her eyes, meeting her stare. Her stomach swooped, and for one crazy second she thought about leaning forward and pressing her lips to hers. But then she snapped out of it and took a quick step backwards.

“Seriously, Chris. Stanford is… That’s incredible. And they’re so lucky to have you. Because you… you’re amazing.”

Christen smiled. “Thanks, Tobs.” She cleared her throat. “Alright, we better head home. Don’t want your mom to worry.”

Tobin nodded and they headed back towards the car. Before she stepped off the pitch however, she leaned down and tugged out a handful of grass, bringing it up to her nose and breathing deep. It smelled sweet and earthy, like weekends and summer and sunshine and laughter.

“Are you coming slow poke?” Christen called from the turnstile.

Tobin grinned. “Yeah, I’m coming.” She let the grass flutter back to the ground.

It smelled like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: @thetheatrelady


	21. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen attends prom and then loses her virginity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! Here's Chapter 21, I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> TW for... mentions of straight sex? lol

The doorbell rang, barely audible over the hiss of hairspray in the bathroom. “Christen!” she heard her dad yell from downstairs. “Joey’s here.”

Christen leaned in closer to the mirror, inspecting her makeup. “I’m almost ready. Tell him to just… hold on!”

“Channing go down and tell them it will just be a few minutes.” The fourteen year old slipped from the room and Stacy gave Christen a smile. “You look beautiful, Christen.”

She straightened up, smoothing her had over her perfectly curled ringlets, making sure each one was hanging the exact way she wanted. “Are you sure? Do you think I should have just straightened my hair? Maybe that-”

Her mom put her chin on Christen’s shoulder. “Baby. You look lovely.” Her eyes shined in the mirror. “Really. You’re absolutely stunning.”

Christen smiled, distracted momentarily from fiddling with the cut outs on her black gown. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Are you excited?”

Christen took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah! No, I am. I think it’ll be fun.”

“It will!” She glanced at her watch. “Okay, let’s not keep the boy waiting ay longer than he has to.”

When Christen came downstairs, Joey was nervously standing next to her dad in the entryway, hands shoved in the pockets of his rented tux. He flashed her a grin when he saw her.

“Chris! Wow… you look, like, so hot. I mean, beautiful!” He glanced at her parents quickly, then back at her. “Beautiful.”

She giggled. “Thanks. So do you.”

He picked up a plastic box from the entry table. “Here’s your corsage.” He handed it to her and she took it out of the package.

“Channing, will you go grab his boutonniere?” She slid the corsage onto her wrist, her dad taking pictures as she did. Twenty minutes later, all the flowers in their correct places, hundreds of pictures on her dad’s camera, and Christen was being led down her sidewalk to Joey’s car, a beat up mustang he had inherited from his older brother.

Prom turned out to be… well, prom. When she would go to school on Monday and be hounded by the other sophomore girls about what it had been like, she would lie and say that it was amazing. But underneath all of the taffeta and hairspray and clouds of cologne and perfume, it was the same group of kids she had known for years. There was none of the romance that movies and television had promised. They ate their meal, the boys going back for seconds while most of the girls poked miserably at their salads while their dresses threatened to cut off circulation. The DJ took a while to fall into his groove and find music that they all wanted to listen to.

It wasn’t to say that she didn’t have fun. She danced and laughed most of the night. But she couldn’t shake a lingering feeling that it wasn’t living up to the hype, that it wasn’t as magical as everyone said.

During a slow song, Christen found herself in the middle of the dance floor with Joey’s hands on her waist. She held onto his shoulders, trying not to poke him in the face with her corsage.

“You’re uh, still coming out to Walker’s, right? For the bonfire?”

She nodded. “Yeah. If you still want me to.”

“Yeah. Yeah, dope.”

They swayed more in an awkward silence.

After the Prom King and Queen Coronation, a lot of the kids started to head out. Joey drove her back to her house and she quickly ran in and changed out of her dress, throwing on jeans and a sweatshirt. They drove out of the city to where one of their classmates lived on a large stretch of land. The fire was already going, and Christen accepted a wine cooler from a guy surrounded by coolers.

Joey was more relaxed now that he wasn’t in his tux, and he started cracking jokes, making all of the people around him crack up. Christen too, was feeling more comfortable, and when he turned to her, his dark eyes big and warm as he asked if she wanted to go in the house for a bit, she nodded yes, taking his hand.

They found a room that was unoccupied, and at first they just sat next to each other.

“Have you picked a college yet?” Christen asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, I’m gonna go to UC Santa Barbara.”

“That’s awesome.”

“Yeah. I got into a few others, but I have an aunt who lives in Santa Barbara, so I can stay with her to cut down on costs.”

“That’ll be good.”

“I mean, I know I could take out loans, but I’m going for a biology degree, so it’s not like I’ll ever be able to pay ‘em back, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get it.”

He ran his hands over his curls. “Coming to Griffith Academy was… it was a miracle. My siblings all went to public school. But I had really good grades, so I did all of the applications and scholarship essays and everything…” He gave a little laugh. “Sorry, this is hella boring.”

She grabbed his hand. “No! I don’t think it’s boring. I… I think it’s great that you took it upon yourself to apply to school. It says a lot about who you are.” He blushed, which made her blush, and for a moment neither one could say anything.

“I’m really happy you came with me tonight.”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

He leaned in, then paused, second guessing himself. “I, uh…” She leaned the rest of the way, capturing his lips with hers in a soft kiss.

Christen hadn’t had sex before, so she didn’t have a lot to compare it to, but judging by her friends’ experiences and what she had read online, it was good, if a little brief. Just as it started to feel a little good for her, Joey was shuddering above her, gasping into her neck before shuffling back with an apologetic look.

“Sorry, I- I just- it felt-”

She shook her head. “it’s okay.”

“Did you…”

She swallowed then gave her head a little shake. “No.”

He hung his head. “I’m sorry, I-” He gave a little cough then scooted backwards off the bed, removing the condom. Christen grabbed one of the pillows and pulled it in front of her self-consciously.

“Do um… can I do anything? To make you feel good?”

She glanced up at him. “Oh! Uh…” She picked up her phone from the nightstand. “it’s actually kind of late. I should probably head home or I’ll miss curfew.”

“Right. I’ll drive you.”

“Thanks.”

When they got to her house, Joey walked her to her door and kissed her on the cheek. She slipped inside and up the stairs. She poked her head into her parents’ room to let them know that she was home.

Stacy looked up from her book. “Hi baby! Right on time.”

“Yeah.”

She gestured to where her husband was snoring loudly. “Your dad tried to tell me that I could go to sleep, that he would wait up for you, but that obviously didn’t happen.” She took off her reading glasses. “Did you have fun?”

Christen hesitated. “Um… yeah. Yeah, I guess.”

She tilted her head. “Everything okay?”

Christen shifted her weight from foot to foot, then gestured for her mom to follow her. Once they were in her room, Christen sat on the bed. “Uh… Joey and I had sex.”

Her mom’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh!” She sat down next to her middle daughter. “And how… how was that?”

Christen nodded. “It was… fine.”

“Joey seems like a nice boy,” her mom added delicately.

She gave a little smile. “He really is. He was really sweet about everything, especially when…”

“When?”

“Well, it didn’t last very long.” Her mom put a hand to her mouth, trying to smother a laugh. “Mom!”

“I’m sorry baby. I’m not laughing at you, I promise. I’m just laughing at… I don’t know. How funny life is.” She put a hand on Christen’s shoulder. “Did you use protection?”

She nodded. “Yeah, he had a condom.”

“Do you think that the two of you will have sex again?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I like Joey, he’s really nice.”

“Well, I think at any rate it’s probably a good idea for you to go on birth control. What do you think?”

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”

“And so you like Joey? Do you think the two are going to start dating?”

She chewed on her lip. “Maybe? He’s nice enough. And he likes me.”

Stacy nodded. “And how do you feel about that?”

She wasn’t sure what to say. “It’s… nice to be liked.”

Stacy took her daughter’s face in her hands. “Christen, there will be no shortage of men who like you. You’re a beautiful girl, but more than that, you’re smart and kind and funny. And I’m not saying that you need to have some antiquated idea of saving yourself for marriage or ‘the one’ if you don’t want to, but sex can be a big deal.”

“But why? Isn’t it just… body parts? Touching other body parts?”

Stacy sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I don’t know, baby. Maybe it’s all of the hormones that get involved, maybe it’s the pressure that society puts on it… But I think more than that, it’s that having sex with somebody means trusting them a whole lot. It’s trusting them with your body but also your spirit and your future. I mean, worst case scenario, sex can lead to an infection or a pregnancy. And also, I think it gives people a little piece of your heart.”

Christen sighed, turning everything she had said over in her head. “I guess I see what you mean. But like I said, Joey was really sweet. And I don’t see us like, getting married or anything, but I think I would want to go out with him again.”

“And that’s good!” Stacy pulled her close. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. And I mean, I really did have a good time tonight, it just… it kinda felt off. Does that make sense?”

“Hmm. Off how?”

“I’m not sure. Like something was missing.”

Stacy pressed a kiss to Christen’s temple. “Something? Or someone?”

And with that, it all clicked into place, the knowledge that she had once again hit a major milestone with out her best friend. She had been so excited about prom itself that she hadn’t recognized the dull ache in her stomach for what it was.

She sniffed, not wanting to cry. “She should have been here. Or at least, if not at prom with me, she would have gone to the bonfire, or I would have spent the night at her house afterward. Like, she should have been the first person I told that I had sex. No offence,” she added quickly.

Her mom shook her head, lightly stroking her fingernails up and down Christen’s back. “I get it baby. I get it.”

“Why do people have to leave?” Christen whispered. “Why do we lose people who are important to us?”

Stacy stared at her for a long moment, her eyes seeming miles away. “I wish I had an answer for you baby. All I know is that it happens, and we have to keep pressing on the best we can. We can’t crumble under the weight of our grief, even when we want to.”

Christen leaned into her, hard, breathing in the comforting scent of her mom’s bodywash. “I miss her so much that… that I didn’t even realize how much. Does that make sense? It feels like it’s just a part of who I am now. My name is Christen. I’m a sophomore. I have green eyes. I miss Tobin.”

Stacy inhaled sharply, then kissed her head again. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry.”

Christen took a deep breath and wiped under her eyes. “I should take off my makeup, get some sleep.”

“Okay.” Her mom stood up and crossed to her door, but then paused. “Christen?”

“Mmhm?”

She gave her a shaky smile. “You’re strong baby. Much stronger than you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found on tumblr @thetheatrelady


	22. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's sisters come home for Christmas Break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi hi. Sorry for the delay. Here you go!

Tobin came downstairs, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, to find her mom vacuuming the living room. “What are you doing?”

She paused, switching the vacuum off. “Oh good, you’re up! Can you go ahead and strip your bed? I’m washing all of the sheets. Oh and then once you’re ready we’re going to go to the supermarket.”

“Why? Why are you cleaning so much?” she asked through a yawn.

Cindy laughed, brushing her hair from her eyes. “Katie and Perry are coming home today, remember? They’re out on Christmas break?”

“Oh.” It had somehow completely slipped her mind.

“Sheets please.”

“Right.” She went upstairs and retrieved them, adding them to the washing machine along with detergent. When she walked back into the kitchen, she nearly ran into her mom, who was pouring over the list in her hand.

“Are you headed upstairs to get dressed?”

“Can I eat first?”

She gave a breathy chuckle. “Right. Of course.” Tobin poured herself a bowl of cereal and settled at the kitchen island. “Coffee?” She nodded, and Cindy made her a cup, complete with cream and sugar.

“So is Katie bringing Todd home?”

She gave me a bemused look. “What? No, of course not. Why?”

Tobin slurped milk from her spoon. “Then why are you cleaning everything? I mean, Katie and Perry lived here.”

She smiled, wringing a dish towel in her hands. “It’s just what moms do, Toby. I can’t explain it.”

“How long will they be here?”

“Until the start of the spring semester, second week of January. Oh, don’t forget, your dad is coming over for dinner tomorrow.”

“Right.”

She watched Tobin for a moment. “Everything okay?”

“It’s just… Why did you and Dad get a divorce?” Cindy seemed to freeze, and Tobin regretted asking the question that had been spinning around her mind ever since she got home. “Never mind, sorry.”

“No! No, it’s… It’s okay.” She swallowed and folded the dish towel, placing it on the counter. “We…”

“It’s fine, Mom. Forget I asked.” Tobin stood up from her stool, placing her cereal bowl in the sink and starting for the stairs.

“Tobin.” She turned around. “After you… After he took you, it was so hard to get out of bed in the morning. Every day was…” She sighed heavily. “The longer we went without finding you, the more we fought. It was so easy for the anger and the resentment to build up. We couldn’t say it out loud, but we blamed each other.” She gave her a small, sad smile. “If we had done something wrong, then there was a why, and that’s something we wanted desperately.”

It felt like her throat was closing off. “So it was my fault? The divorce?”

She quickly shook her head. “No. It absolutely wasn’t, baby. It was…” She furrowed her eyebrows. “There was already a spark of something there. It, it probably would have happened eventually, whether you went away or not.”

“But you were mad at each other about me-”

“That was only one thing we argued about.”

“But- but-”

“Tobin. Honey. Our divorce wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Not mine, not his, but definitely not yours.”

She chewed on her lip. “Why… why doesn’t he come around more? I mean, doesn’t he… doesn’t he miss us?”

Her mom walked closer, brushing her hair back. “I’m sure he does. He misses you and Jeff and your sisters more than just about anything.”

“Then why does he stay away? Why does he only come for dinner every couple of weeks?”

She sighed, shaking her head. “I wish I knew the answer to that. I really do.” She kissed the side of her head. “Go get dressed so we can go to the store.”

X

Tobin was laying in bed, scrolling through TikTok, when her door cracked open. Perry poked her head inside.

“’Sup?” Tobin asked.

“Come on.”

“Come where?”

Perry rolled her eyes and gestured. “Just come on already.”

Tobin stood up and followed her sister through the darkened house, down both sets of stairs into the basement.

Katie was already there, hair thrown up in a bun and holding a giant bowl of popcorn. “Finally.”

“What’s going on?”

“It’s girl’s night, duh!”

Tobin rubbed at her shoulder. “I don’t know. Aren’t we supposed to be asleep?”

Perry grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her to sit on the couch with them. “Chill out! We’re not doing anything bad, just having a good old fashioned slumber party in the basement. Just like when we were kids.”

“Except now, we can indulge in a little mischief,” Katie grinned. She went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. She grabbed a stack of solo cups and brought them over to the couch.

Tobin took the cup she was handed, but looked over her shoulder at the door at the top of the stairs. “If Mom sees that, she’s gonna freak.”

“Speak for yourself! I’m twenty-one.” Katie divided the wine between each of their cups.

“And hopefully, she won’t wake up,” Perry laughed.

Tobin took a drink, the sugary alcohol sliding easily down her throat.

“But first things first,” Katie declared. “Face masks.”

After face masks came nail painting, and after nail painting Katie put on Mean Girls. They only watched the first few minutes though, before Perry began to whine that she was bored and that they should play Never Have I Ever.

“Never have I ever… traveled internationally,” Perry said. Both of her sisters drank. “Wait seriously? Ugh, I’ve gotta get out of this stupid place.”

Tobin thought hard, her mind already blissfully happy from the wine. “Never have I ever… gone to college.”

“Touché. Your turn Katie.”

She wiped at her lip. “Never… have I ever… kissed a girl.” Immediately, Tobin’s stomach dropped. She felt hot, and sick, and embarrassed, so much so that she completely missed Perry taking a sip until Katie gave Perry a shove. “Wait what?!”

Perry shrugged. “What?”

“What do you mean, ‘what?’”

“It’s not a big deal,” she insisted.

“You’ve kissed a girl?” Tobin clarified, her voice barely audible.

“Yeah. My roommate sophomore year was a theatre major, and she invited me along to one of their parties. We ended up playing spin the bottle and… yeah. I kissed a few, actually.” She took another sip. “Not bad, but not for me.” She laughed. “My friend Margo says the same thing but about dudes.”

Tobin looked back and forth between the two of them, observing the relaxed set of Katie’s shoulders, the surprised but almost awed raise of Perry’s eyebrows. “Really?”

Katie nodded, her eyes fixing on Tobin. “Really. And honestly, you guys should give it a whirl, see what you think.”

Perry laughed, but Tobin suddenly found her entire body vibrating. She felt like she was walking perilously close to the edge of a cliff. “I… I have, actually. Kissed a girl before.”

To her sisters’ benefits, both reacted pretty calmly, as if sensing that one wrong word would send her spinning. “…really?” Katie asked.

She nodded tentatively. “Um. Yeah. I, I went to a party with Chris and-”

“You kissed Christen Press?!” Perry exclaimed before being hit by her older sister.

“No!” Tobin’s face flushed hot.

“Okay! Okay, then who?”

“Her, her name was Alex, I don’t… I mean, I had never met her before, I just, she came up to me and-” She broke off, unsure of what to say.

Perry and Katie shared a look. “Well… did you like it?” Perry finally asked.

“I… I…” She swallowed. “…yes?” she finally whispered.

They both broke into wide smiles. “That’s great, Tobs,” Katie told her, leaning forward and grabbing her hand. “Really.”

“Yeah?” Her voice came out in a strangled squeak, and in an instant her sisters had piled on top of her, squeezing her tight.

“We love you, Tobs. No matter what. No matter who you kiss,” Katie assured her.

“Promise,” Perry added.

“Hey, what’s going on?” The three of them sat up to see Jeff on the stairs, tiredness relaxing his normally scowling face.

“Get over here.” Katie lifted an arm, inviting him in.

He shoved his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. “You guys are weird.”

“Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeff,” Perry whined, the other two joining until finally he rolled his eyes.

“Okay, fine, just shut up.” He slunk closer and as soon as he was within reach, Katie grabbed him and pulled him onto the couch, ignoring his cries for mercy as the three teasingly pinched his cheeks and ruffled his hair.

“Look at our little baby boy, all grown up, our lil’ munchkin,” Katie cooed.

“Stop, you’re so annoying,” he moaned, making them all laugh.

Tobin flicked his ear. “We’re just so happy that you came down to play with us.”

“Yeah, now the Heath family sleepover is complete!” Perry cheered.

“You’re all a bunch of dorks.”

“Yeah, yeah, takes one to know one.”

He squirmed out of their grasp and took a handful of popcorn. “What are you guys drinking?”

The three shared a look. “Nothing.”

“Bull, what is it?” He picked up Perry’s empty cup and sniffed it. “Whatever it is, I want some.”

“No way!” Katie quickly finished off what was left in her cup.

“Tobs. C’mon.” He gave her what seemed to be an attempt at puppy dog eyes. She broke out in a laugh.

“What happened to us being dorks and annoying?”

“This is your chance to prove you’re not.”

She gave a good-natured sigh and handed him her cup. “I have like, two swallows left.”

“I’ll take it. Anyway, what are you guys doing?”

“We told you, it’s a slumber party.” Perry gestured to where the TV was playing the Mean Girls title menu.

“Girl are lame.”

Tobin gave him a mock offended look. “Rude! I just gave you the rest of my wine!”

“And besides, what would you rather do?”

Jeff thought for a moment, then gave his sisters a big grin. “I have a great idea.”

X

Cindy Heath had no idea that her four children weren’t in their beds. She probably wouldn’t have realized for a few hours if she wouldn’t have woken up and remembered that she had left a load of laundry in the dryer the night before. She opened the basement door and started down the stairs, coming to an abrupt stop.

The television was still on and playing the Mario Kart theme song. They were scattered around the basement, Katie curled up in the recliner and Perry sprawled out on the ground. Her youngest two were on the couch, Tobin cuddled underneath Jeff’s arm as he snored away.

Once she got over the scare, she had to clumsily sit on the stairs, pressing her hand to her mouth. It had been years since she had seen all four of her kids in one place, all of them safe and healthy and not suffocating under the weight of their grief and anger and fear. 

She blinked back the tears and took several deep breaths. One of them would probably be up within the next hour; until then she would take solace in knowing they were all there and all safe, if only for one moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: @thetheatrelady


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